Thursday, June 20, 2013

Conversations I never want to have again... EVER.

Look people, this is a public service announcement and I'm only going to say this once, for everyone's benefit. I am fucking tired of wasting my oxygen with the meaningless platitudes that 95% of society have somehow misconstured as 'conversation'. So I am throwing down the gauntlet. I officially REFUSE to interact with anybody except those in my life with boredom free passes on these topics EVER AGAIN. If they are brought up around me you will get one of two responses. One, I will turn around walk away and ignore you, thus laying down the social smackdown. Two, I will withdraw my trusty butter knife and skewer you like a kebab. It depends on my whims on that given day.

1. The Weather

Oh fuck the hatred is boiling over already. Why the fuck is this shit the default topic of conversation in modern society?? My theory is it's because the average work a day mush bleater has the intelligence of a gnat stuck in porridge. I think it's a solid theory myself, I confirm it empirically every time some malfunctioning slime brain brings up the fucking weather to me and I realise they have the intellectual sophistication of a discarded can of 7Up. Here is the usual pattern. If it's hot people whine the fuck out of it being hot. When it's cold people whine the fuck out of it being cold. When it's summer they want winter. When it's winter they want summer. When it's fucking spring or autumn they want summer or winter to hurry up and get here already. The common denominator among all of these categories of whining and bleating is the net total amount of fucks I give. Ie NONE. NEVER BRING UP THE WEATHER AGAIN. EVER. It's just like bringing up the colour of the fucking wall paint. NOT INTERESTING. NOT IN THE SLIGHTEST. NOT EVEN IF I HAVE A FUCKING LOBOTOMY.

The Exception: The only exception, the only bloody time I want to hear about the damn weather is this. Listen and listen well. If it is hailing full blown ice WHILST a volcano is erupting and earthquakes are ravaging the city, I might let you talk to me about it. Keyword: MIGHT.

2. The affairs of celebrities.

OMG KANYE WEST CHEATED ON KIM KARDASHIAN!! The bigger news is the baffling reason why on Earth you would care, and then care enough to actually bring this up to me in our conversation when I have expressed no interest whatsoever in the minutiae of the lives of Kanye and Kim. And trust me, I have NEVER and would NEVER express such an interest unless extremely doped up on goofballs. I will not tolerate you investing any of my time in the lives of people I will never meet, talk to or even see passing me by on the fucking street. This is the reason the world is so SCREWED, because instead of reading books about philosophy, self improvement or classic literature, you READ ABOUT KIM KARDASHIAN!! AND YOU ACTUALLY CARE!!! If I could, I would create a vortex of wasted emotion where every single person who gives a shit about the affairs of celebrities has their feelings sucked out into an inescapable void as punishment for wasting them on such feculant, redundant shit.

The Exception: If you actually ARE a celebrity, and you happen to be talking to me for some reason I cannot fathom (Hey, I do know a model!! *CoughcoughJuellescametovisitmecoughcough** *Self adulating plug alert*) then feel free to talk about your own affairs.  

3. Cars

No, I do not care about your car. I do not care about ANY car. I don't care about the modifications you've had done, how many fuck knuckle revs per minute you can get from it or the fact that painting it hot pink makes you feel great about your cuteness and femininity. There are two reasons I don't have one of these things. 1. Because it's a societal monetary black hole of conformity and motorised debt. 2. Because I don't want to become one of those absolute dipshits who take their hunk of metal they're paying shitloads per month to insure as an extension of their penis and feel the need to TALK ABOUT IT ENDLESSLY. SCREW OFF. PREFERABLY SOON.

The Exception: You are only bringing up cars to tell me you are giving me a new Lamborghini which I will sell for a shitload of money. Then, by all means feel free.

 4. Those Bullshit "How are You" exchanges.

How are you??

Good! What about you??

Yeah I'm good.

Repeat endlessly for every sixty million encounters with other people you have during your life. Never has a single societal convention revealed more about the LIES of humanity than this one. For one, 98% of the time (Trust me, I did the trig) you don't actually care about how the person you're asking is. You just do it out of bullshit politeness. I don't actually find it that polite when you're consciously dishing up a BARREL OF LIES to somebody, but apparently I'm in the fucking minority as per usual. Secondly, when you say you're good, you're LYING. You're just saying you're good because that's what you're expected to say!! So this whole fucking thing is like a meat layer of layers between a sesame seed bun of lies then drizzled over with the secret sauce of LIES. I WONT HAVE IT ANYMORE.

The Exception: If you are on the side of the road bleeding out, I'm attempting to treat you and you're actually making improvement thanks to my emergency medical assistance, it is okay to tell me so when I ask how are you. That is IT. ALL. NO MORE.

There you have it. The first part of conversations I never want to have again EVER. There will be more, just because morons keep assailing me with conversational bullshit and never actually bringing up anything worthwhile. Goddamn them all. 

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