Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Scott analyses the truth value of pop music lyrics.

Popular music. The lowest common denominator of humanity. Stopped being good sometime around 1990. Somehow became even worse by 2000. In 2013, it is pretty much the most intellectually depraved, mindless, senseless, mind corrupting, repetitive bilge ever to seep forward from the infected teats of mankind. Today, we shall take a closer look at some of the words popular music is trying to sell us as truth, and see if they hold up under any sort of intellectual scrutiny.

1. "The Vengabus is coming".

Oh really? It's 'coming'? Well unfortunately, if I had stopped what I was doing to wait for this aforementioned bus, I would have long since starved to death. That's your infernal plan isn't it Vengaboys? You loudly proclaim the merits of this goddamn BUS over and over again in the most mind numbing, catchy manner possible, knowing that this will entice people to go out and wait for the bus. Then, in their dedication to all things Venga, they stay out there, waiting for the bus THAT NEVER COMES. This is all part of your cruel depopulation agenda and I see right through you. I won't wait for your goddamn bus anymore, you hear me?!

Conclusion: LIE. The Vengabus is not in fact coming. It probably doesn't exist.

2. "It's 11:30 and the club is jumping jumping".

First of all, it is necessary to discern the difference between "jumping" and "jumping jumping". I gather the latter implies an increase in intensity of the jumping involved. I could be wrong, but there is very little to go off in the lyrics to this song. The second question is, why does this unspecified 'club' only attain the level of "jumping jumping" at 11:30? Are we to believe that should the clock tick over to 11:31, the club will revert to merely "jumping", or even worse, that the club is no longer possessive of any level of jumping? And what is it about 11:30 that makes the club attain the level of "jumping jumping"? This seems like some sick temporal discrimination to me. Also, this bold proclamation of unbridled falsity assumes that there is no distinction in cultures in terms of the time that particular country's clubs reach the plateau of "jumping jumping". For a group of African American women, you would think that they would be more sensitive to other cultures. Apparently not.

Conclusion: LIE. Although this may have been true at the specific club at the specific time Destiny's Child got the inspiration for the song (or more likely, when their team of monkeys sitting at typewriters cranked it out), it is certainly not uniformly true across all clubs at 11:30, and it is exceedingly discriminatory to even imply it.

3. "She's a maniac on the floor, and she's dancing like she's never danced before".

Ooohhh look, this one is partially true!! First off, it seems somewhat unkind to label a girl dancing a maniac, unless in fact she was spinning around with pairs of scissors in her hands or something. Cause that shit is ill thought out and harmful right there. Putting aside the issue of the dancing girl's mental stability however, the second part of this proclamation is assuredly true. Even if this lady was seeking to perfectly imitate a time she had danced before (if she truly is a maniac, it is highly unlikely these thoughts would be occurring to her), such a task is simply impossible. Imitating in an exact manner each precise angle of movement of every muscle, sinew and limb would surely be a task that is beyond even the mightiest of cyborg dancing robots from the future. So congratulations, you tell the truth! This is another example of the degeneration of pop music, the oldest song is the one that tells the truth.

Conclusion: TRUE. Although her status as a maniac is debatable.

4. "The hips don't lie".

Hmmm. Yes. Although actually stating this as akin to stating other phrases of self evident ridiculousness like "Fish don't carry around scissors", "2x4s dont recite the periodic table" or even "shuttlecocks don't get addicted to heroin". Good job.

Conclusion: True, but who the fuck cares?

If anyone has any more proclamations of pop lyrics they wish me to run the finger over. Let me know and I shall eviscerate them for the pleasure of nobody.

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