Tuesday, April 30, 2013

The return of the RANT!!

Oh God, I havent done one of these in so long. In fact its been so long the last rants I've done have actually grown mould. Which is actually perfect, because they were so venomous that I'm going to take this mould and use it to create the world's most effective BIO WEAPON, engineered with dripping hatred to eradicate everything I hate from this FELL WORLD! Muahahahahaha!!! Well, let's get to it.

1. Idiot whiner complainers.

Oh dear lord. These days, I think there has been some sort of switch implanted in humanity, permanently set to 'on' that compels them by some groin pulling mechanism to whine and bitch at the most insignificant crap and then force people with ACTUAL problems to listen to them. Ugh. Exhibit A in this gallery of douchebaggery: A few years ago, New Zealand removed all their coins from circulation and replaced them with smaller more compact coins that were lighter, as well as doing away with the 5 cent coin entirely. Why did they do this? Because people were WHINING that coins were too heavy. And then, what came after this initiative? YOU GUESSED IT. People began WHINING that coins were TOO SMALL, TOO LIGHT and they couldnt differentiate them. The exact same people!! Exhibit B: Recently Anchor Milk, a large conglomerate milk company repackaged their milk in light proof bottles to aid taste and help milk last longer. Were people thankful for this development? No. REMARKABLE! I have actually heard this next complaint THREE times from THREE different people. They literally say, "now I dont know how much milk I've got left." You have got to be fucking kidding me. I'll tell you how you find that out, mother fucker. Lift the milk bottle up, place it over your fat, stupid whiner head and turn it upside down. If you get covered in milk, YOU'VE GOT MILK LEFT. Seriously people, get real problems that aren't milk, coins, sitting for 15 minutes in traffic or a niggle in your knee. Like Crohn's Disease or pain disorders.

2. Cooking shows. EVERYWHERE.

And on the fifty six thousandth day, when Pharaoh remained unmoved, Moses called down a plague of fucking cooking shows. Seriously, I would be surprised if there are actually any other shows being made right now for television other than fucking cooking shows. Every. Single. Night. My Kitchen Shitty Rules. Masterchef cooks gizzards. New Zealand's Greatest Bake Off. Kitchen Nightmares. How To Cook Albanian Muskrat: A Cooking Special. Why are we watching this shit?! Especially when a good solid, 85% of the food being cooked is just fine dining gut splurging nonsense that you are being manipulated to believe is actually EDIBLE. This is just some sort of conspiracy to make my stick something in a gas oven. Most likely my head.

3.  Water Rates.

The other day, I got given my monthly water bill. Let's not even get into the fact that water falls from the fuck knuckle sky and I have to pay for it. No, this is even more egregious. So I look down the line of charges that they're about to insert like a fiery rod of financial flame into my rectum. I look at the top line. What does it say? "Actual water usage fee: $6.50". Oh well, that's some pocket change, not actually that bad. Then my poor eye peers downward. "Fixed water charges: $16.60". KISS MY ASS. SERIOUSLY GET DOWN THERE AND FUCKING PUCKER UP WITH YOUR BULLSHIT LECHEROUS EXCUSE TO MAKE ME PAY FOR INVISIBLE SHIT. Well I'm sorry, water people. I am charging YOU a fixed bill reading and envelope opening charge of $16.60, thus negating yours.


Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Scott analyses the truth value of pop music lyrics.

Popular music. The lowest common denominator of humanity. Stopped being good sometime around 1990. Somehow became even worse by 2000. In 2013, it is pretty much the most intellectually depraved, mindless, senseless, mind corrupting, repetitive bilge ever to seep forward from the infected teats of mankind. Today, we shall take a closer look at some of the words popular music is trying to sell us as truth, and see if they hold up under any sort of intellectual scrutiny.

1. "The Vengabus is coming".

Oh really? It's 'coming'? Well unfortunately, if I had stopped what I was doing to wait for this aforementioned bus, I would have long since starved to death. That's your infernal plan isn't it Vengaboys? You loudly proclaim the merits of this goddamn BUS over and over again in the most mind numbing, catchy manner possible, knowing that this will entice people to go out and wait for the bus. Then, in their dedication to all things Venga, they stay out there, waiting for the bus THAT NEVER COMES. This is all part of your cruel depopulation agenda and I see right through you. I won't wait for your goddamn bus anymore, you hear me?!

Conclusion: LIE. The Vengabus is not in fact coming. It probably doesn't exist.

2. "It's 11:30 and the club is jumping jumping".

First of all, it is necessary to discern the difference between "jumping" and "jumping jumping". I gather the latter implies an increase in intensity of the jumping involved. I could be wrong, but there is very little to go off in the lyrics to this song. The second question is, why does this unspecified 'club' only attain the level of "jumping jumping" at 11:30? Are we to believe that should the clock tick over to 11:31, the club will revert to merely "jumping", or even worse, that the club is no longer possessive of any level of jumping? And what is it about 11:30 that makes the club attain the level of "jumping jumping"? This seems like some sick temporal discrimination to me. Also, this bold proclamation of unbridled falsity assumes that there is no distinction in cultures in terms of the time that particular country's clubs reach the plateau of "jumping jumping". For a group of African American women, you would think that they would be more sensitive to other cultures. Apparently not.

Conclusion: LIE. Although this may have been true at the specific club at the specific time Destiny's Child got the inspiration for the song (or more likely, when their team of monkeys sitting at typewriters cranked it out), it is certainly not uniformly true across all clubs at 11:30, and it is exceedingly discriminatory to even imply it.

3. "She's a maniac on the floor, and she's dancing like she's never danced before".

Ooohhh look, this one is partially true!! First off, it seems somewhat unkind to label a girl dancing a maniac, unless in fact she was spinning around with pairs of scissors in her hands or something. Cause that shit is ill thought out and harmful right there. Putting aside the issue of the dancing girl's mental stability however, the second part of this proclamation is assuredly true. Even if this lady was seeking to perfectly imitate a time she had danced before (if she truly is a maniac, it is highly unlikely these thoughts would be occurring to her), such a task is simply impossible. Imitating in an exact manner each precise angle of movement of every muscle, sinew and limb would surely be a task that is beyond even the mightiest of cyborg dancing robots from the future. So congratulations, you tell the truth! This is another example of the degeneration of pop music, the oldest song is the one that tells the truth.

Conclusion: TRUE. Although her status as a maniac is debatable.

4. "The hips don't lie".

Hmmm. Yes. Although actually stating this as akin to stating other phrases of self evident ridiculousness like "Fish don't carry around scissors", "2x4s dont recite the periodic table" or even "shuttlecocks don't get addicted to heroin". Good job.

Conclusion: True, but who the fuck cares?

If anyone has any more proclamations of pop lyrics they wish me to run the finger over. Let me know and I shall eviscerate them for the pleasure of nobody.