Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Scott's Survival Guide to Current Worldwide Doom

In case you haven't been paying attention... there is a hell of a lot of doom going on lately. Sharemarket doom, US economy downgrade doom, London rioting doom and let's not forget the criminally overlooked continuing Fukushima radiation meltdown doom and underreported mass random deaths of fish and birds doom!! With all of this doom erupting worldwide, it can be hard to know what to do... luckily your hero is here with a survival guide. Fuck that Bear Grylls fuckwit, he isnt fit to shine my survivalist shoes. And they always need shining, because I just do so much SURVIVING. Surviving the likes of which YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE. Let's do this thing.

1. Sharemarket Doom.

I am currently reading an article about a share broker leaping from a 3rd story window after the Dow collapsed like a sack of shit on Monday. That guy could have really used this guide. But yes, the economy sucks and we're likely heading towards some variant of great depression THE LIKES OF WHICH THE WORLD HAS NEVER SEEEEEENNN. PANIC PEOPLE PANIC!!! Oh right... I'm supposed to be calming people down. Well there's good and bad news on this. The bad news is... yes you are going to lose everything. But the good news is, McDonalds is considered too big to fail and will be bailed out by the government!!! WHOO!!!! So here is my guide to surviving financial doom. Head to Mcdonalds and spend your now worthless life savings on the new Government Big Macs, now will 6000% more xanax, prozac and mind controlling chemicals!! Then you will be so much of a zombie, financial doom will be the last thing on your mind. See, this is why they pay me the big bucks.

2. UK Rioting Doom

The last few nights the dishevelled youth of the UK have been taking to the streets and basically burning and pillaging. Either this is some large orchestrated 'Remember the Vikings' history celebration or they're just pissed and want to destroy things. Your guess is as good as mine. I'm just here to help you survive it not play collective fucking psychoanalyst. Well the first step is simple. Don't be in the UK. I have it fairly good authority that people not currently in the UK are safe from the UK Rioting Doom. If you are one of those poor sods stuck in the UK well your situation is a little different. Still survivable of course, but different. In that case, go pull on your best torn hoodie smear some dirt on your face, go out in the streets and bellow in some English accents some anti society speech. But be sure to mispronounce half your words and never use any word with more than 2 syllables otherwise they'll KNOW YOU'RE A FRAUD. By doing this you should fit in fine, and since the police are doing all of fuck all... you should be able to pocket some sweet electronics and designer clothing while you're at it!!

3. Fukushima Radiation Doom

Yes, even though the media on this have gone as silent as a whore in church, radition doom still happening, and is getting worse. This will surely bring Godzilla. But lucky everyone... help is at hand!! According to the Japanese Government, radiation is actually good for you. Of course!! Why couldn't we have seen this earlier?? All those mutated babies and high cancer rates from Chernobyl were just fear mongering media disinformation! What they weren't telling you was all the super healthy babies with rippling abs, perfect hair and massive genitalia that were being born!! So basically nothing to see here, no need to tell you how to survive this, because surely it will be a better world when millions of people have extra limbs, green skin and a new language consisting of grunts, gargles and groans. A new utopia of mutated freakiness. And Godzilla. Good job Japanese Government, you really saved me some work on that one.

4.Mass bird and fish death doom

If you haven't heard of this... obviously you have been living under a rock. Or in McDonalds, eating some of those chemical depressant Big Macs. Since the start of the year, masses of birds have been randomly falling out of the sky dead and millions of fish have been washing up dead everywhere worldwide. Some great calamity is striking down the avian and fish populations!! My personal theory is that the Earth's magnetic field is fucked, but since if that were true, I'd have to write another whole entry on how to survive magnetic field doom, I'm probably wrong. So... how to survive fish and bird death doom. Go to a store, purchase an umbrella, deploy it wherever you go. Some birds have sharp freaking beaks and plummeting headlong out of the sky into your uncovered dome will surely result in brain damage. The umbrella will at least slow them down somewhat, so the only brain power you'll lose is your ability to remember the whole last 6 months. And I saw what fucking debauchery you got up to... so that's probably good news.

And the world breathed safely again... doom averted.

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