Sunday, January 9, 2011

Scott's most profound Mancrushes

Men men men men manly men men men
Men men men men manly men
Whoo hoo hoo
Hoo woo ooo
Men Men Men Men...

In a post that is sure to cast lingering doubts on my heterosexuality, here is Scott's list of my greatest mancrushes or bromances of all time.

1. Daniel Vettori

The New Zealand cricket team are the greatest team in the world at consistently bringing the suck time after time. Being a fan of them for 12 years, it is little wonder that I have grown into the jaded, cynical, depressive mess that I am today. In fact yesterday they capitulated so badly to Pakistan that walking outside in one of Lady Gaga's meat bikinis may have been less embarrassing. But none of that is due to this man, Daniel Vettori, the bespectacled cricket hero who must be so fucking sick of playing with this ragtag group of fuckhead incompetents who cant hold a bat he's ready to take off his glasses file them down to a sharp metallic point and stab massacre the fucking lot of them. If this means anything to you, he is one of only 5 men in the history of the game to take over 300 test wickets and score 3000 test runs. I would have his babies.

2. Tommy Karevik

If this guy was a woman I would be stalking her ass right about now. Oh who am I kidding, I'd still stalk his ass if he didn't live in Europe. This man is the vocalist of Seventh Wonder and is probably the biggest ladies man on the prog metal scene. Because I can guarantee you that Tommy Karevik could induce spontaneous multiple orgasms to an entire population just by singing to them. This is probably the reason why Seventh Wonder don't play large arenas, cause the post orgasm clean up bill is far too expensive. I heard the reason Simon Cowell quit American Idol is because he heard the producers were ignoring the application requests of Tommy Karevik just because there'd be no drama to the competition because he would smoke them all quicker than a truckload of hash in Jamaica.

3. Coach Benjamin Wade

If there was some sort of competition, I would have no hesitation in labelling Coach the MANLIEST MAN OF ALL MANLY MEN OF ALL TIMES OF MANLY MEN. Ever since he rocked our world on Survivor Tocantins and Heroes vs Villains Coach has single handedly assured that every man feels a little bad about himself. He is a renaissance man adventurer. Once he was kayaking down the Amazon river and he was kidnapped by natives (!), he proceeded after being physically and emotionally tortured for 2 weeks to untie himself, run to his kayak and paddle away all the while being tracked by his captors all the way down the river. He has survived a hurricane, a shark attack and five or six other life or death situations. He writes poetry, never tells lies, calls himself the Dragon Slayer, practises Tai Chi, wears a feather in his hair, coaches soccer, conducts a symphony orchestra and stars in movies. I salute you Coach, but I hope you'll forgive me when if I ever see you, I immediately run in the opposite direction, because being in your presence will immediately cause me to experience total man immolation where I will spontaneously combust through Coach's sheer force of man.

4. Alvin Plantinga

Feel the love for the old philosophers!! Alvin Plantinga is perhaps the world's most influential philosopher of religion. The reason he is on the list is because of his gigantic intellectual penis which penetrated the spurious arguments of atheists and demonstrated how lacking their position really is. Plantinga's Evolutionary Argument Against Naturalism demonstrates how unguided evolution and atheism are actually incompatible by showing that if unguided evolution produced our brains we would have no way to trust our beliefs as accurate and hence have no reason to believe in Naturalism/Atheism (MWAHAHAHA. SUCKERS.). He also reformulated the Ontological Argument in favor of God's existence, creating perhaps the most quirky and fun proof of God ever seen. Also demonstrated that materialism in the mind/body problem violates Leibniz's law of identicalities and is thus falsified. I love this man.

5. Taylor Lautner

(No picture, I don't want a swarm of 13 year old girls visiting this blog, their heads may explode, and mine certainly would.)

The reason heart throb Taylor Lautner makes this list of man crushes is because he is apparently a man, and I would greatly desire for him to be crushed.

6. Agent Smith

You hear that? That is the sound of INEVITABILITY. The inevitability of Agent Smith making this list baby! After recently rewatching the Matrix trilogy (some of the most philosophically breathtaking movies of all time. Part 2 and 3 get a bad rap because people have no idea what's really going on. One of these days I'm going to write a blog entry explaining why everyone is wrong and Matrix 2 and 3 are fucking awesome) it comes to my attention that Agent Smith may be the quintessential bad guy of cinema. He represents materialism, nihilism, mechanism and evolutionary thinking taken to their logical extreme. He is the embodiment of all that is wrong with human society. His only goal is to endlessly replicate himself over the entire world like a virus, and subsume everything under his hand for no purpose whatsoever because as he says "The purpose of life is to end". His soulless eyes stare without remorse from behind a perfectly cut suit and tinted sunglasses. He is everywhere and there is no escape. He is the PERFECTLY rendered vision of materialistic society, and I doubt even half of the people watching will have understood that. So why does he make the list? Because he is the textbook definition of what a villain should be, taken to the next level, and one of the most iconic characters of all time. So many layers. I love the Matrix baby!

7. Devin Townsend

I hesitated to include Devin on this list. Not because he isn't number one on it... but because I am fairly sure that Devin Townsend is not human. Seriously, if there was one man on the planet I would point to and say "From outer space, no doubt about it." it's Devin. Last year I actually MET this god of music and he was awesome, spending time after the show in the rain to take pictures and autographs with everyone. But he's an alien. No doubt about it. He CANNOT be human.

Every last album he has released has transcended music and captured something immortal and eternal. Ocean Machine captured the essence of the ocean and the waters, Terria captured the Earth, land and the nature of our lives on it. Synchestra captured the harmony of nature. Infinity actually did the impossible and captured the meaning of life itself. City captured the black grind of industrialised modern existence. And that's only HALF of his albums. Basically in the pantheon of musical expression there is Devin Townsend, and then there's the rest.

And there I had better stop. And reassure everyone that no matter how great these men are, women are far and away the superior sex. Magical creatures. Until next time. Keep it real.

No comments:

Post a Comment