Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Proxy Rant: The Skinny Smackdown

*Disclaimer: Because people are overly P.C and sensitive, and may not get the point, none of the following is intended to bash people who actually have anorexia which is a serious condition. This is for all the dipshits who don't have it, and have no perspective :P*

Before I get to the proxy rant, I first feel that I must recuse myself for in fact, being skinny. :P However, at least I have never maintained a desperate need to drop some weight.

"Oh my God, like totally look at me! If I had a Latin classification it would be Flabbius Maximus! Like totally! This is like, so totally devastating! I gotta lose some weight!!"

Seriously, if I see some skinny fuckwit ranting in their status updates about how they need to shed some serious poundage to even be able to look in the mirror I'll walk over there and provide them with my own personal version of liposuction, by ripping their tiny guts out with rusty meathooks. Too far?? Never!

Do you people like, go up to a dwarf and then go, "You know what, I'm just too TALL. I wish I could be SHORTER." If you did I guarantee you'd receive a short, sharp dwarven knife right in your fucking calf. That's as high as they can reach after all. Do you go up to an amputee and go "You know, I wish I fucking had less LIMBS." He'd rip off his artificial prostheses and beat your dumb ass over the head with them. So how about some goddamn PERSPECTIVE you socially illiterate piece of 'I turn sideways and I disappear' garbage? Because some people out there turn sideways and the result is measured on the fucking Richter Scale. Meanwhile, if you actually fulfilled your wish and dropped some weight I'd hate to think of where it would come from. Maybe there's still some scraps in between your rib cage. Maybe your toothpick chicken legs have something left to give.

Look, maybe I've been too hard on these people. Maybe they just grew up with a steady diet of Vogue Magazine and the fucking Fashion Channel 24/7. If so, I can see why you think you're fat. Because the girls on these networks used to have jobs as being the spears that athletes throw around every four years at the Olympics. Compared to them you are indeed a rolling rumbling sea of flab and girth. However, you could also fit about 78 of them in a Mini. So maybe, just MAYBE these shaved pencils aren't exactly the best point of comparison. Maybe actual men like I don't know, ME, wouldn't want someone to look like that because for fuck's sake I'd be afraid of touching them, THEY MIGHT SNAP. I'd be afraid of coughing around them BECAUSE THE WIND FORCE MIGHT SEND THEM CRASHING HEADLONG INTO THE WALL.

So basically, in summation... stop posting idiotic crap about needing to lose weight on your facebook, you know, unless you're one of those ever growing lardballs who needs a crane to lift you out of bed. Actually, that's perfect. I call it 'The Crane Test'. Do YOU need a crane to get out of bed in the morning? No. Then skull back a nice tall glass of shut the fuck up juice and get some damn self esteem. I heard they sell it on EBay.

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