Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The Juelles Scott Blog Crossover :P

Here is my comments on the awesome Juelles and her retrospective of visiting New Zealand. By our awesome commenting powers combined we will surely manage to explode the space time continuum. Original comments from Juelles are marked with my crap noted underneath ;)

Juelles: New Zealand: Australia’s Little Brother

Scott: The cooler, better looking little brother. That doesn't get drunk and punch you in the eye like the older brother does.

Juelles: I spent the last three days in Auckland with my beloved blog icon and friend, Mr. Scott Lovesy.

Scott: No, I did not make that up, she actually said these things. :P

Juelles: Most of the time consisted of me laying around in my pajamas until 1PM refusing to get dressed and stuffing my face with candies supplied by Scott’s mom. And watching cricket (boo) and rugby (surprisingly cool).

Scott: I have nothing to correct with this summation ;) Except one fatal mistake. Bashing cricket. Obviously a game that goes for five days and still might end in a draw isnt exactly everyone's cup of tea... but I like pointlessly long things that waste a crapload of time!! Look at my music tastes for God's sake!! :P I also found it funny to have come home from work after 6 hours of working to find her asleep. Mwahaha. I loved it!!

Juelles: I also engaged in some intellectual conversations about what exactly a kiwi-bird (New Zealand’s official mascot) is:

“It’s like a chicken?”
“But it’s the size of a chicken and it can’t fly”.
“Stupid American”.

Scott: I dont believe I called you stupid. That is not my style. My style is more to roll my eyes and wordlessly IMPLY that you are stupid. ;) But anyway, Juelles' point is utterly self refuting. She even posted a picture of a kiwi bird showing specifically how un chicken like it looks. :)

Juelles: Dude, it looks like a chicken with a long beak. Take that, Lovesy.


Scott: It's BROWN. It's beak is very thin and LONG. It's hunched over and NOT UPRIGHT. Saying it looks like a chicken is like saying a dog looks like a smaller zebra with less stripes.

Anyway. :)

Juelles: It felt nice to chill out, sleep in and recharge my batteries for a few days. Compared to Australia it’s freezing in Auckland. Scott and I rode the bus all over town. We went to the zoo and looked around. We ate at Denny’s which proved to be just as craptastic as it is back home.

Scott: Denny's is so bad that it's good. Mark my words I will never rant against Denny's. It has never done me wrong so far. And yes, Auckland is freezing compared to Australia. But again that's like saying any regular place is freezing compared to the Sahara Desert. I would have thought a better thing to say was that Auckland's weather is kind of like Scott's mood at the world, rough, highly changeable and utterly unpredictable by any form of logic. :P

Juelles: We drove around and ate lunch on the beach. I saw a biker gang at one of the pubs. I am going to puke if I eat any more “chips” (french fries).

Scott: Blasphemy!! You must eat more freedom fries. And some liberty burgers.

Juelles: We spent most of the time driving around, sitting around and eating.

Scott: Which is basically my dream lifestyle, so we cant have gone too much wrong on that one ;)

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Proxy Rant: The Skinny Smackdown

*Disclaimer: Because people are overly P.C and sensitive, and may not get the point, none of the following is intended to bash people who actually have anorexia which is a serious condition. This is for all the dipshits who don't have it, and have no perspective :P*

Before I get to the proxy rant, I first feel that I must recuse myself for in fact, being skinny. :P However, at least I have never maintained a desperate need to drop some weight.

"Oh my God, like totally look at me! If I had a Latin classification it would be Flabbius Maximus! Like totally! This is like, so totally devastating! I gotta lose some weight!!"

Seriously, if I see some skinny fuckwit ranting in their status updates about how they need to shed some serious poundage to even be able to look in the mirror I'll walk over there and provide them with my own personal version of liposuction, by ripping their tiny guts out with rusty meathooks. Too far?? Never!

Do you people like, go up to a dwarf and then go, "You know what, I'm just too TALL. I wish I could be SHORTER." If you did I guarantee you'd receive a short, sharp dwarven knife right in your fucking calf. That's as high as they can reach after all. Do you go up to an amputee and go "You know, I wish I fucking had less LIMBS." He'd rip off his artificial prostheses and beat your dumb ass over the head with them. So how about some goddamn PERSPECTIVE you socially illiterate piece of 'I turn sideways and I disappear' garbage? Because some people out there turn sideways and the result is measured on the fucking Richter Scale. Meanwhile, if you actually fulfilled your wish and dropped some weight I'd hate to think of where it would come from. Maybe there's still some scraps in between your rib cage. Maybe your toothpick chicken legs have something left to give.

Look, maybe I've been too hard on these people. Maybe they just grew up with a steady diet of Vogue Magazine and the fucking Fashion Channel 24/7. If so, I can see why you think you're fat. Because the girls on these networks used to have jobs as being the spears that athletes throw around every four years at the Olympics. Compared to them you are indeed a rolling rumbling sea of flab and girth. However, you could also fit about 78 of them in a Mini. So maybe, just MAYBE these shaved pencils aren't exactly the best point of comparison. Maybe actual men like I don't know, ME, wouldn't want someone to look like that because for fuck's sake I'd be afraid of touching them, THEY MIGHT SNAP. I'd be afraid of coughing around them BECAUSE THE WIND FORCE MIGHT SEND THEM CRASHING HEADLONG INTO THE WALL.

So basically, in summation... stop posting idiotic crap about needing to lose weight on your facebook, you know, unless you're one of those ever growing lardballs who needs a crane to lift you out of bed. Actually, that's perfect. I call it 'The Crane Test'. Do YOU need a crane to get out of bed in the morning? No. Then skull back a nice tall glass of shut the fuck up juice and get some damn self esteem. I heard they sell it on EBay.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Random Thoughts Part Four

1. Why do so many people feel the need to ask How much wood a woodchuck could chuck? Seriously, wouldn't the more pertinent question be Who gives a fuck?!

2. I have watched 16 out of 20 seasons of Survivor in the last 4-5 weeks. I have officially crossed the line into Nerd No Man's Land. I like it here actually, finally a place that feels like home.

3. Why are both Diet Coke and Coke Zero on the market?! Aren't they like, the same fucking thing?! No, I don't care about the piddling trifling differences someone will surely bring up in response to this. "One has a slight malty aftertaste". Me telling you to shut the fuck up also has a slight malty aftertaste.

4. The Republicans win the Mid Term US elections. Now watch as they govern EXACTLY like the Democrats and the stupid ass American public get pissed off at them, not realising their system is a giant fucking sham.

5. I woke up in the middle of the night yesterday and thought a vicious dog was on top of me ready to attack for a good 10-15 seconds. Turned out to be a pillow. It was freaky though. Probably a mild form of that sleep paralysis thing where aliens come in and steal you away while you're totally paralysed. Sounds like a good time to me.

6. Shane Powers: If you betray me I will come to your shitty little apartment and fucking kill you!
Courtney: Hey! My apartment isn't little!
It's quotes like this that are the main reason you should be watching Survivor. :P

7. "The only way Rodger would win immunity is if the challenge was 'Name that Perry Como song' or 'What type of prune is this?'" - Rob Cesternino
Here is another :P

8. I love youse.

9. Fox News: Fair and Balanced. Like a black man being pelted with tomatoes by white people whilst standing on a 1 inch beam. Nice try Fox News.

10. I LOVE CRICKET SEASON!!! Watching every ball of a 5 day test is the absolute best way to distract you from the fact that you have no friends.

11. Last week I had the opportunity to eat steak 3 consecutive nights in a row. I copped out and ate Satay Chicken from Denny's instead. Dammit, I was so close to being a real man and then I copped out.

12. Alright now back to watching Survivor: China. ;)

Saturday, November 6, 2010

The Invasion of the Chester

I am lazy and thus am refusing to write a retrospective of WORLD FAMOUS SUPERMODEL Juelles Chester and her visit to my place in New Zealand. Go here instead. :P