Sunday, October 10, 2010

Scott dismantles 'Old Sayings'

I HATE Old Sayings. You know, those pieces of turd wisdom passed down through the eons that have now become so cliche. Crap like "The Early bird gets the worm", and all that rot. Well I for one am sick of hearing these nuggets of shit, and hearing people think they're so clever when they pronounce them mindlessly and think they're fucking Confucius. I will now demonstrate why some of these old sayings are worthless, and hopefully the sheer force of this blog post that nobody will read will leak out into the sonisphere and abolish these sayings forever somehow. That's right hope springs eternal.

1. "The Early Bird gets the Worm"

May as well start off with the one I already mentioned. Now right off the bat I see three things wrong with this rotting piece of verbal greuhl. One, I don't want a fucking worm. They are gross. Two, I'm not a bird and don't actually have to get up early and do unnecessary labor for the right to eat food. You know, because there's such things as supermarkets that are open all day so I can sleep in and still get food. I mean fuck, who came up with this shit? Third... this metaphorical saying infers that the person who drags themselves out of bed at 4:30am or something to slave away at the salt mines will end up better off than the guy who gets to the salt mines on time. Well I disagree with this fucking premise. See, the guy who gets up on time for the salt mines is obviously better off because he has THREE EXTRA HOURS OF SLEEP THAT HE ISN'T SPENDING IN THE BLOODY MINES. So I never want to hear this shit again.

2. "Never look a gift horse in the mouth."

Hey... why not?? Why can't I look the gift horse in the mouth?? It is a GIFT isn't it? So you're giving me a gift, and then telling me how I can and cant use it?? So you're teaching conditional love and conditional giving? What a heart warming message. Get stuffed. I'll look my damn gift horse wherever the fuck I want to look at it. And if you've got a problem with that, DON'T GIVE IT TO ME.

3. "A rolling stone gathers no moss"

I don't roll stones, and it doesn't bother me a jot if stones get moss on them. NEXT. What? Be serious you say? Okay fine. this saying encourages me to keep doing things all the time so I don't get moss on me or something. Well fuck that. I'll take the moss and be lazy.

4. "All good things come to he who waits"

You know, something about my personal experience tells me that this saying is a load of fecal matter the size of Olympus Mons (that's the largest mountain in the solar system for all you less informed). I have waited for 24 years. So far very few good things have just spontaneously fucking arrived. Since the saying is not "Very few good things come to he who waits", it says ALL I'm bringing out my bullshit stamp. ALL? ALL?! I fucking wish. That means every possible pleasurable experience will just land itself in my lap if I do nothing. EVERY LAST ONE IN THE FREAKING UNIVERSE OF POSSIBILITIES. Well I am skeptical. Of course, since I hope this saying is true so much, I will keep right on waiting. I'm sure my perfect mate is going to knock on the door and throw themselves into my arms any day now.

5. "Boys will be Boys."

Oh dear lord there are no words. The sheer pointlessness makes me stomach churn. Allow me to demonstrate. Replace both instances of the word 'Boys' with ANY COLLECTIVE NOUN WHATSOEVER. Does it change the meaning or provide any enlightenment at all? NO.

Plants will be plants.
Labradors will be labradors.
Fat people with lycra encrusted into their rolls will be fat people with lycra encrusted into their rolls.
Wooden planks will be wooden planks.

See? Gee, thanks for this saying. It has really provided a great fucking educational benefit to society. Why don't you go and point out the sky is blue and the Earth is round while you're at it. Or maybe "Don't stop breathing. It's not healthy." THANK YOU NUMBNUTS. Now take a one way trip to Get Fucked. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars.

I'll be back someday with more old sayings... because unfortunately they are seemingly more numerous than bacteria.

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