Yes, people be forewarned because this is a cutting, tell all expose on the many, many MANY strange, bizarre, and downright freaky people that seem to live around my area and frequent my place of business. Standing behind a shop counter armed with a degree in psychology and English in order to eloquently describe this freak show, I am exposed to the dregs of society. And if it is this bad here... lord knows how bad it is in areas that are SUPPOSED to be bad and contain freaks, you know like Remuera or Gulf Harbour or something.
All names have been changed to nicknames to protect the identities of the people in question, and me from their inhuman wrath. Note all that is written here is true.
1. Old Lady Icicle
'Old Lady Icicle' has been frequently entering the shop on the days of Saturday and Sunday between the hours of 8 and 10am for as long as this intrepid sightseer can remember. Every day it is the same routine. She picks up the Herald, and on every second day a 4 pack of toilet rolls and deposits them in front of me for payment. I would ask why this little old lady seems to burn through four toilet rolls a day but some things I would rather be left a mystery. Even weirder, just seconds after placing her products down her hands will shiver and she will say "Its cold out there." I mean EVERY LAST TIME. Seriously, there has not been a time where she has neglected to inform me, using those words exactly that it is in fact 'cold out there'. Yes, even in summer. I'm serious. She could be overlooking an erupting Mt Vesuvius in a thermal jacket and it would still be cold out there. Like a public service announcement, she continues to repeat her words every single day, as if she forgets that she says the SAME DAMN THING EVERY DAMN DAY. Seriously, its like being stuck in a time vortex. Sometimes I wonder if its groundhog day. The worst thing is... next Saturday it will be the same thing. NO SCOTT THERE IS NO ESCAPE FROM OLD LADY ICICLE AND HER PROCLAMATIONS OF THE CURRENT OUTSIDE CHILL FACTOR.
2. The Sloth
Subject two, or 'The Sloth' is another regular who according to Scott's boss has been coming in ever since he acquired the shop. Again the pattern is similar. Every day he comes in, requests two single cigars and saunters out. The thing is... I have dubbed him the sloth for a reason, in that this guy is in no danger of setting any land speed records. The way he walks in as if he was a snail crawling through glue and digs around in his wallet for change you can actually FEEL YOURSELF AGING. If there are any customers waiting in line behind him, I feel like offering them a tent and some firewood because its going to be a long vigil. Congratulations 'The Sloth', all the time I spent serving you I could be on my fifth novel by now.
3. The Mummy
Oh the Mummy, how much sleep you have caused me to lose with your endless mystery. He is called the Mummy because every single day he comes in and buys a full pack of bandages. What for you ask?? Your guess is as good as mine. Leading theories between me and my boss are that he's into self multilation (me), he is selling them on some bizarre bandage black market (my boss) or he is using them to wallpaper his house... very gradually (me). None of us want to ask... because my boss is afraid of losing his patronage and I'm afraid of finding out the real answer. Even the thought right now makes me shiver
4. Mrs Happy
Shudder. Mrs Happy has arrived. An Australian woman with the most annoying voice and bouncy personality. She bounds into the shop like she's just been injected with the biggest dose of ecstasy this side of Dave's house and proudly greets you in such a way that you would think you are the grand ayatollah. She purchases her Woman's Day and three dollar instant kiwi and bounds out with that hideous gaping smile on her face. Seriously, I have never seen her anything but mindlessly happy and that concerns me a great deal. THERE IS NO POSSIBLE REASON TO BE THIS HAPPY. LOOK AT THE WORLD. ITS MISERY. Luckily a few months ago she packed up and moved back to Australia, taking her disgusting enthusiasm for existence far away from me. All I can say is that my desire to go to Australia, which I thought could not get any lower, just did.
5. The '5 cents off' woman.
Oh dont get me started on you. Oh wait, too late. You all remember when the five cent coins became obsolete right?? How everything that was 2.95 either increased to 3 bucks or went down to 2.90. Only the problem was the old price stickers on chips still said 2.95 instead of 3.00. Cue the stupidest argument Scott has ever been a part of, and trust me I've argued with my mum and Kat, so I know all about pure moronic stupidity being presented to me as an argument. She berates me for three solid minutes after I enter 3.00 instead of 2.95. SERIOUSLY BITCH ITS FIVE CENTS. THATS NOT EVEN HIGH ENOUGH TO BE THE LOWEST PIECE OF CURRENCY ANYMORE. So after I stop feeling gung ho about pushing my position and start feeling annoyed that this unpleasant lardball is calling me incompetent I give in and enter the damn 5 cent discount into the eftpos machine. Congratulations, I hope you used the spare 5 cents to buy yourself a brain, a personality and liposuction. I know this sounds harsh, but if you heard the things she was calling me for attempting to perpetuate THE GREAT FIVE CENT SWINDLE ON HER POOR BANK ACCOUNT you would understand.