Once upon a time there was darkness. Impenetrable darkness that noone could escape. The world was lost in a hazy fog of malfeasance and incredulity and none realised just how abysmally crap things we take for granted really are. Then one day, from the North came a shining crusader. Clad in silver shining armor and brandishing a flaming halberd of truth and victory he sallied forth on his thunder horse of enlightenment. From that day forth the dark world was brightened at last by the light. That crusader was me. And his flaming halberd was MY RANTING. Let's get to it.
HA. HAHA. HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!! Oh sorry, you must excuse me, but that is my usual automatic reaction when some sorry societybot informs me that I really need higher ambitions for my life. No. No I do not. And I shall explain why, whilst attempting to be civil and not go over the top about how much of a TURD MUNCHING IGNORAMUS you are. Ambition is fucking pointless. Am I the only one with enough foresight to realise that on my deathbed when I'm looking back over my life I'm not going to give two fucking flying shits about how much money I earned or how many people I stepped on to get the amazing right to waste 8 hours of my day for slightly more useless wads of fucking coloured paper than the rest of you?? I DONT CARE. Just because you are a totally indoctrinated brainless robot who subsumes your identity to the dominant will of society, doesnt mean I have to be. And you look all shocked when I tell you this. Like "What do you mean there are other ways to live your life?!". Listen you barrel of mentally constipated blowfish, I didnt choose to get born into this dirty infested shithole of a world, and now you expect me to dedicate my life to slaving away doing something I hate just for the right to survive?! Why the hell have we not rebelled against this bullshit? Oh wait I know, its because the majority of us havent had an original thought in about 50 years. Take your phony materialistic ambition and shove it.
2. Idiots who take everything on the news as gospel.
Hooo boy. Really?? Are there STILL people out there that think the mainstream media is telling them the truth about the world?? Apparently there are and they are fucking plentiful. Here, I have a giant black sack ready for them all to crawl into. It's marked on the side with 'Gullible Indoctrinated Fuckwits'. Please hurry up and climb in so I can biff you off a cliff and never have to hear your scurrilous "That can't be true, its not on the news" bleating ever again. Well you know what? I've never heard that the sky is blue on the news either. GUESS IT MUST BE FUCKING PINK. Here's something to ponder over. 90% of the stories on the news or in legacy media newspapers are sourced from either the Associated Press or Reuters. So basically all your precious news comes from TWO companies. With vested interest in doing nothing but pander to materialism, scare your balls off so you remain dependent and enforce the fact that your political system is just SO DAMN ADEQUATE AND PERFECT. Tell me they are unbiased purveyors of the truth. Fuck off. Last week, there was a printing malfunction and the NZ Herald didnt go on sale until midday Saturday. You should have seen the level of whining from people who didnt have their newspaper to read. Fucking Lemmings. "Oh no, I have no news to read. Whatever shall I do?" Gee I dont know, maybe think for yourself?! What am I thinking, that would involve intellectual integrity and a non sheep herd mentality!
3. The RETURN of swine flu hysteria.
Oh good lord no not this shit again. Obviously life is just not life without some mindless doom on the horizon to be scared witless about. OH NO SWINE FLU. WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE. No actually, you're not. You're more likely to die getting run over by a car after tripping over a turtle on the sidewalk. Maybe the next big media brou ha ha should be over "Turtle tipping fatalities reach epic proportions. Government reccomends compulsory anti turtle vaccine". Then we can all infect Scott by talkign to him about how worrying this whole fucking turtle business is. Because at least then I can laugh, because the word turtle is just mindlessly funny. Right now when I hear about swine flu I just want to eat my own face.
4. The demise of Reality TV.
Back in the year 2000 Reality TV was born with a show called 'Survivor'. It was innovative, it was gritty, it was real, it was an awesome insight into the human psyche. Ever since then Survivor has continued on its merry way racking up 20 awesome seasons which I am currently obsessed with. For example, watch Survivor: Vanuatu, where the tribes begin as all men vs all women. The men are openly honest with each other and make it plain that they are going to vote out the young strong bucks, everything out in the open. The women immediately get passive aggressive, catty and whine about each other behind their backs. As the season goes on, the male stupidity shines through as they fall pray to the women power alliance and get picked off one by one until only Chris, a lovable truck driver remains. At this point, the women go batshit insane on each other with double crossing and completely forget about Chris, who silently with honour and respect lets them eat each other alive, snakes his way to the final two and then wins the game because the women on the jury hate the final remaining woman so much!! What a fascinating dynamic, and really one of the most socially interesting things on television.
BUT WAIT. THIS SECTION SO FAR HAS BEEN NICE. WE CANT FUCKING HAVE THAT. You see, my real gripe is with the sea of lugubrious trash that this genre has spawned recently. The Amazing Race was decent. The Bachelor and the Bachelorette was cheesy and socially unacceptable stereotypic garbage. Then we get Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire and my head explodes. FUCK THIS SHIT. Let's all just reinforce some more fucking societal stereotypes about the only worthwhile people are rich and own a boatload of white horses or something. AND THEN WE GET THE HILLS AND JERSEY SHORE. Oh dear sweet lord almighty. Despite the fact that the collective IQs of the cast members of both these shows probably add up to something rivalling a gelatinous amoeba, that is not my main gripe. My main gripe is how this utter toff contributes NOTHING OF VALUE TO FUCKING ANYTHING. If I wanted to watch prima donnas who take themselves too seriously gossip and have wanton sex with everybody... oh wait I'll stop there, BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO WATCH THAT. This brain corrosive shit is likely going to be responsible for an entire generation of young girls wanting to be fucking Heidi when they grow up. Oh wait, did you say the new series "surprise, you're dating a transvestite" is coming soon? OH I LOOK FORWARD TO IT WITH BAITED FUCKING BREATH.
That's it for today. As usual, if you dont agree with me, I'm sure eventually your opinion will find it's way into the Encyclopedia of WRONG. ;)