Sunday, September 12, 2010

Fijian Days

ALRIGHTY THEN!! Welcome to another boring travelogue, the like of which you either love to read or absolutely despise. I promise I will try to make this as interesting as humanly possible. And also factual, because I know if I make up stuff, I'll get taken to task for it by my travel companion Ms Stewart. ;) So here it is, warts and all! Enjoy.

We flew out of Auckland at 5:45 pm on Monday 30th August. I don't know why exactly, but whenever I fly they lump me with the seat RIGHT DOWN THE BACK of the plane. I suspect it might be because my passport photo looks like I'm half Che Guevara and half Charles Manson and so they decide the other passengers don't need to walk past my ugly mug to empty their bowels. The real crap part is that they give you two choices of meals on the plane and you just know that by the time they get all the way to the ass end of the plane you're going to get lumped with some bullshit like Duck fetus in Green Seaweed Sauce. "Yeah sorry, we're out of steak and chips. Have some fucking cow anus with reprocessed cucumber substitute". However today was my lucky day, they actually had the chicken left when they got back to me. It was the poor yokels in front of me who got stuck with the Lamb and Mint Pie. (Seriously WHAT?! I swear these fucking airlines just put one horrible alternative every time just to take the piss). We spent the flight laughing our ass off to episodes of Big Bang Theory. It was sweet.

One of the best parts of going to Fiji is the moment you get off the plane and that wave of tropical heat bliss hits you square in the face. It's even better when you arrive during the day, but it was still good. Of course, I have the foresight of an amoeba and am stuck wearing the sweatshirt and jeans I got on the plane with. We then sample a Fijian beer at the hotel (I should have bought one, shit they were good. It tasted like 50% beer and 50% wine. I hate the taste of nearly everything alcoholic and I even thought it was good). I also got a taste of things to come when Ashleigh decided that chasing after geckoes and frogs to take pictures was a swell idea. We had a deal whereby she took care of and dispensed with any lizards (which freak me out) and I would dispense with any spiders (which freak her out). Yeah, one fucking guess as to which class of creature decided to molest me endlessly with their presence the whole trip and which we saw FUCKING NOTHING OF.

Next day was a rest day before the boat out to heaven on Earth otherwise known as Plantation Island and we basically spent it pretending we were superglued to loungers and chairs by the pool. In a spirited game of 'Would you Rather' it was revealed that yes, I would rather lose my sight than my hearing, and also that Time Travel was my superpower of choice. :P Apparently the spaghetti bolognese at dinner was pretty good too.

The next day we got taken to the Port (basically a beautiful place for exceedingly rich people. I was regaled with Ashleigh's planning out loud to seduce and marry one of the rich launch owners so she could 'dig some gold' many a time. I offered to be their bell boy when and if she succeeded, as long as the rest of the team consisted of beautiful women. That way, one of them pretty much HAD to go for me. :P) and went across the sea in a 50 minute boat ride to the island. Basically I don't need to say anything... just go on to Google Images and run a search for what it's like out there. You will probably sell your relatives to get there. I've been twice now. I'll try not to gloat. :P Once you are arrive you are regaled with song from the natives and given free shell necklaces and welcome drinks. The only downer was the weather which decided to be cloudy and windy. Complaining about this is somewhat akin though to someone giving you a chocolate cake for free and then bitching about there not being a cherry.

I believe the first night was the night of the first (and unfortunately not the last) gecko invasion. Two of the fuckers found their way inside the room (more than a room, more like its own little abode) somehow. Ashleigh cleverly managed to chase one of them out but the other proved elusive, so instead of helping me she decided to mercilessly taunt me by shunting it over towards my bed repeatedly. Wench. :P

The activities they run on the island are in general, fucking awesome. Daily snorkelling to the reefs (greatest thing ever), dolphin safaris, semi submersible boat (which is about sixty million times better than you expect, because they take you out and sprinkle food in the water, and the windows are literally covered over with tropical fish of all sorts, thousands of them! Pictures of this phenomenon will soon be forthcoming on my facebook. Plus, Ashleigh has the awesome foresight to bring underwater cameras, so hopefully those photos come out awesome as well. There's also kayaks, jetskis, parasailing, volleyball, frog races, crab races, island hopping excursions, fishing (which both of us were somewhat morally opposed to after seeing the absolute stunning beauty of the fish that were around). They also had an island Mr. Universe competition which I probably would have won hands down if I had entered. But I thought other people's egos needed it more, so I refrained. :P

Okay so that's complete crap. :P

The next day finally the weather turned it on for us. 30 degrees, blue skies, palm trees, clear waters, snorkels and amazing marine life. Couldn't really complain about any of it really ;) Well except one thing. THE FREAKING GECKOES WHO DECIDED IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO HAVE SEX IN THE NIGHT INCHES FROM MY BED WHEN THE LIGHTS WERE OUT . Fucking mortifying. One of my favourite things about the island is that at dinner (eating on the sand is AWESOME) at about 7pm a native dressed warrior runs past accompanied by drums with about 20 little kids running behind him with a flaming torch and lights all the torches lined up along the sand. Pretty epic.

Basically here is how a trip to Fiji usually works I have found. You go in with all these plans to be as active as possible, run around, play volleyball, stay up all night, drink yourself into a frenzy etc and then you get there and the sheer tropical blissful laziness takes over! Then you decide lying on the beach reading books, tanning and snorkelling ALL DAY BABY before pottering off to bed early is the best course of action. Seriously snorkelling out on the reef whilst scores and scores of fish swim all around you is an experience that rockets straight to the top five of your life and freaking stays there.

Since so far all we've heard about is embarrassing things about me, I have to mention for parity's sake that Ashleigh did in fact choke because she was too lazy to swallow the spit build up in her mouth. Sorry ;) In her defense, that is what Fiji does to you. ;) In other news from the socially unacceptable file, we also discovered a common affinity for the cheeseball 80s pop of Phil Collins. I for one, am totally not ashamed of this. 'Something Happened on the Way to Heaven', 'Another Day in Paradise', 'I Wish it would Rain' and 'Dont Lose My Number' are freaking CLASSICS.

In one last story, I cultivated a friendship with two clownfish under the sea (which one was Nemo is debatable). I saw them swimming beneath me then I swam over someplace else and saw two more of them. Then I swam somewhere else and saw two more. Then it clicked that they were same ones and had grown attached to me. Unfortunately this was an unexpected development and so I did not have enough time to convert them to my aquatic followers for my world domination army. (It's like my friend Dave has always maintained. YOU CANT TRUST THE FISH. THEY'RE PLOTTING).

So basically all in all, it was incredible, the snorkelling has to be seen to be believed, the geckoes didn't kill me and I didn't win Mr Island Universe. Maybe next time. Photos will soon be forthcoming. And if my description has tempted someone into booking a trip... please let me know. I want to go back ;)

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