Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Classic Crap: Things that used to be great and now COMPLETELY SUCK. (Rants Part Eight)

I don't know about you, but I'm having a very nostalgic couple of weeks. Sometimes I get myself into moods where I can do nothing but lament all the good things that have passed by in life. This could be because I'm just a depressed emo without the OTT makeup and poetry writing OR it could be because looking at the world around us and comparing it to the world of our childhood... the world has just gone spiralling off the cliff towards the sheer drop known as complete and utter SUCKTACULATION. See, I just made that word up. Webster's get the hell onto it for your next edition. So in this edition I invite you all to take a walk down memory lane... consider all the things that made your life meaningful, and how they now COMPLETELY SUCK.

1. Cartoons

Ah cartoons... do you remember back at school, when the only thing that got you through the day was the thought that you could get home and for 2 straight hours take in the joy of cartoons?? Do you remember pretending to be sick so you could stay home all day and watch Cartoon Network? I sure do. They were the good times. And why did we do that? Because cartoons 10-15 years ago were QUALITY!! Let's prove my point shall we? First we had CAPTAIN PLANET. Where a group of teenagers with bad haircuts used the power of nature to banish evil polluting no-goodniks with the help of slightly feminine looking captain planet!! This show taught us many important lessons about life. Like whoever has the power to burn things is definitely the coolest, and that the power of the heart is the most useless power imaginable. Seriously, what can you do? Feel emotion and talk to a monkey. Big fucking shit. I'd rather create tidal waves or wind storms anyday. Oh and there's probably something in there about not polluting or something, I never really paid attention to that part. And it had a kickass theme song. "Captain Planet! He's a hero! Gonna take pollution down to zero! He's our powers magnified, and he's fighting on the planet's side!" And what do we have now?? DORA THE FUCKWIT EXPLORER. The little Spanish bitch that is so nice to everybody that I'm pretty sure she's going to grow up to be a stripper or cheap prostitute. The only lesson she teaches is how to switch off the television within one split second.

Moving on... what other quality defined cartoons of my youth? STREET SHARKS! A cartoon about a gang of sharks on rollerblades who fought against a gang of evil dinosaurs... on rollerblades. It taught us the lesson that sharks were misunderstood, and dinosaurs were pure evil. It also told us that sharks do well on blades. Now what crap do we have?? SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS. This stupid porous son of a bitch is a moronic waste of everyone's time and teaches a generation of children that burgers can be cooked without problem UNDER THE SEA. No wonder the next generation is fucked. In one final example... when I was young we had SAMURAI PIZZA CATS. A ball bouncingly entertaining cartoon about a gang of cats who made pizza by day and defended the world in a giant cat robot against no good niks at night. It had the best theme song ever. See look: "Samurai Pizza Cats! They're so bad! They've got more fur than any turtle ever had!" Genius!! How can you argue with that?? Now we have shit like YU GI OH, where people play cards for the right to own the world. How fucking riveting. You have raped my childhood cartoons... you used to be so good.

2. The Bible

Yup, THAT Bible. I remember back in primary school, when we had that compulsory Bible class when they tried to brainwash us into becoming mindless fear dominated adults. Now, that part wasn't good... but I was only like 10 so it didn't exactly register with me that they were trying to ruin my life at the time. What did register with me was all the kickass stories!! I mean seriously, how cool is Noah's Ark, Jonah's whale, Moses' escape from Egypt, Jesus being born in the manger and David vs Goliath?? As a child, these things are fun... and then you grow up. And you read the Bible for yourself. And you realise people actually want you to take it as a non fiction text. And then everything goes to shit. The Bible is a true exercise in duality as it is both the best fiction text ever and the WORST non fiction text ever. As a child nobody ever fucking told me that if I did my fucking shoelaces up wrong that it'd be hell for me. They just told me cool stories with giants, whales and plagues of toads in them. As a child nobody ever fucking told me that Old testament God butchers, rapes and murders children for his own personal enjoyment. Sigh. My youth has been corrupted.

3. Public Pools

Ah the public pools... those sweet hydroslides, balance beam and slippery pole extravaganza. Where we'd swim around all happy all day while the adults sat up on the concrete bleachers reading Woman's Day or some shit. But as we grew up... somehow these public pools that held so much merriment started to COMPLETELY SUCK. I think it was the fact that we as grown up people realise that swimming in a public pool is like swimming in a large collection of other kids' urine. And there was always that shady guy in the changing rooms who just seemed to stay in there far too long... OH MY GOD. Stupid fucking world, why must you take everything from me??

4. The opposite sex.

Wow, controversial. But let me explain. When we were 13,14,15 years old the opposite sex was a truly magical being. For us boys, the girl represented some magical fairy princess with shimmering skin who glided gracefully above the ground. They were everything us grubby, puppy fat boys were not and we wanted it. For the girls, the boys represented that fairy tale of prince charming; big, strong, dark and mysterious. They were everything you weren't and you wanted it. Then what happened?? Well you realise the truth. Boys are nothing more than sex obsessed dullards who rant all day about cars and sports and completely miss every last emotional signal girls send them. And girls are baffling non logical creatures who will break your heart and shatter your dreams for reasons that only make sense on the planet EVERYTHINGISCOMPLETELYASSBACKWARDSSHITSMELLSGOODTHESKYISGREENWITHPINKPOLKADOTSLAND. Come on, as much as you don't want to admit it, somewhere along the line, you started being more afraid and wary of the opposite sex rather than enamored with them. And nobody can blame you. Men are truly hideous creatures, simple and primitive, like deers waiting to blankly wander in the middle of the road to get run over by truck of their own stupidity. And women are bafflingly complicated, like a game that you really want to play but can't because the reading of the fucking rules of the game LASTS FOREVER. Give me back the mystery we had as children. Please? I'll give you a dollar??

(Blog Retraction: I would like to partially retract this last rant. I still think girls are magical creatures, and their non logical weirdness if anything makes them even more appealing to me. Guys still dumb. Thank you for your attention ;))

Well, I think that covers quite a bit. Please people, use the comments below to remember and pine for things that you have lost from the beauty of your childhood. And by the way, there's a button somewhere on this page that lets you SUBSCRIBE TO MY NOTES. You WILL click on it so that you are immediately notified whenever I have churned out more crap. If you do not click on it, you will be deleted from my friends list. :P Oh you think that's an empty threat?? Dont click on it then and see what happens. You have 72 hours.... MWAHAHAHAHA!!!

(Blog Comment: This last past refers to facebook. However this is still applicable to the blog. You will follow it now. Or I will find you. And dismember you. Or something.)

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