Monday, August 9, 2010

Translating from Bullshit into English (Part One)

Do you speak English?? I do. I'm pretty good at it too, or so my university qualifications would have you believe. However I have noticed that 'English' is a language on the decline. No, I am not referring to an influx of other ethnic languages like Spanish, Chinese, French or whatever. I am referring to an influx on what can only be referred to as complete bullshit masquerading as English. Since I know this affects every one of us, I will now perform the public service of taking a handful of pure bullshit and translating it into what it really means in plain English. As usual, you can thank me later.

1. The Bullshit: "How are you??"

The English: Look, I don't give a flying fuck how you are. I want to rant about MY issues and complain about trivial crap. This is just me paying attention to societal convention and pretending to give two shits. Just, you know, hurry up, say 'good' and let's move on to more pressing matters. Like ME.

2. The Bullshit: "I've had such a crap day"

The English: Perspective?? What's that?? No I don't give a fuck that people are dying in Africa, Fucking Sandra made fun of my hair at work!! Can you believe that! What a bitch! And then I spent the rest of the day feeling inadequate. AND THEN I got stuck in TRAFFIC on the way home. Basically, I can't see the fact that all this drama I like to manifest in my life is as important and noteworthy in the grand scheme of things as a fucking popcorn fart. So I'm going to keep pretending the world revolves around me, no other problems exist and infect you with my total redundant first world bullshit. And you're going to fucking sit there, and like it.

3. The Bullshit: "I believe in freedom and equal rights!".

The English: I believe in freedom and equal rights... until someone disagrees or offends me. Then I will scream to the high fucking heavens that their point of view should be censored and they should be punished for offending me in such an egregious manner. I will also completely fail to see my own hypocrisy, and the irony in my pronouncements. Basically, I'm a purposeless snivelling worm who thinks my standards equal the standards of the universe.

4. The Bullshit: "I can't make it tonight... I'm feeling like shit."

The English: I only scheduled something with you because I was fucking desperate and had nothing better to do. Now, something better has manifested itself and so I'm going with that, all the while passing you off this bullshit and hoping we don't meet accidentally and awkwardly somewhere tonight. Man that would be ass!

5. The Bullshit: "I only drink in moderation"

The English: PASS THE VODKA!!!

6. The Bullshit: "I can cook pretty well when I have to"

The English: I can put toast in the machine and sometimes even scrape butter across it without making a mess.

7. The Bullshit: "I'm a hard worker and I learn fast!"

The English: After two weeks I'll be taking my four weeks leave thanks, then I'll burn through my sick days. And yeah, I'll be fucking up the same things I fuck up everyday when I finally decide to come to work. And plus, I'm as slow as a snail crawling through glue.

8. The Bullshit: "I like ALL KINDS of music"

The English: I like pop and R'n B. Wait... there are OTHER kinds of music?? I don't buy it. Otherwise they would play it on the radio!! I'm a true music connoisseur you know.

9. The Bullshit: "I wish more guys would admire me for my mind"

The English: I wear skirts short enough that they should be called belts. If my top was cut any lower it would also resemble a belt. I laugh at every stupid joke cute boys make, bat my eyelids and throw my hair back all the while making a comment about I couldn't understand the convoluted plot of the latest Disney/Pixar movie. If any guy really did admire me for my mind then he must have the mental capacities of a sea slug.

10. The Bullshit: "She/He is stealing my boyfriend/girlfriend!!"

The English: I'm a complete and utter fucktard who actually dares to think that the other person in my life is akin to a possession or belonging. I am an utterly brainwashed societal drone. I will also miss the fucking point that maybe my 'possession' has a free will of their own. The irony that 'stealing' happens to inanimate objects and not people will be totally lost on me. I am a turd on the underpants of life.

Stay tuned for part two of our elucidating wading through the ocean of BS ;)

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