Okay I admit it. I am a voracious beast that feeds on compliments. I devour them and use them as fuel to power my propane gas tank of hatred. And since I have once again been paid the honour of having my wife to be (Verbal contract still binding in a court of law, time passing does not diminish the eternal bindingness, trust me, already talked to my lawyer, she cant weasel out of it) say that my rants are awesome... I now produce another one. That's right I am easy to manipulate. But none of that means that there arent things in the world that really need to be abolished. Things that rape my existence on a day to day basis and make me want to go swimming in the waste disposal pond, just because if the world wants to make me wade through shit I'd rather it be literal and not metaphorical.
1. Shopping excursions.
Oh, shudder. Just typing those words makes shivers of disgust race up and down my spine. As a card carrying male, the words 'shopping excursion' never fail in making my male organs shrivel and retract inside my body like they were running away from a whirring chainsaw. Don't get me wrong, I think women are so far superior to men that it's just not funny, but, your methods of shopping need to die and die fast. Just because there is a mall does not compel you to walk in there, amble between shops with all the pace of a snail crawling through fucking glue pick out 8 different outfits, try them ALL on over a period of 3 hours and then decide to buy fucking NONE OF THEM. I mostly try to avoid shopping at all costs, but when I am forced, I will buy the first thing that looks halfway decent to avoid the inevitable pain. BUT NO THAT JUST WONT WORK FOR YOU. And why oh why does every excursion follow the same pattern?! That is: you walk into the shop, see something you like, don't buy it and proceed to walk through 18 other shops before COMING BACK TO THE FIRST ONE AND BUYING THE FIRST THING YOU LIKED. And every last time, I hear God laughing at me. Every last time.
2. The U.S Political System
For the heart and soul of democracy, America sure gives you a fat dicksquat nothing choice. The Democrat who will end zero wars, change nothing and restrict your freedom or the Republican who will end zero wars, change nothing and restrict your freedom. Well fuck me, thank God our ancestors died to give us THIS PRIVILEGE. Why dont you stop insulting people's intelligence and just tell them, "Yo guys, it doesnt really matter, whoever you pick is going to be under the thumb of the bankers and will have their head up Israel's rectum". Sure, noone will like to hear that, but at least you'll be being fucking honest.
3. Small talk with strangers
Do you know why they call it small talk? Because that's the size of it's fucking importance in terms of fucking ANYTHING. Maybe they should call it what it really is: "A giant waste of everyone's time and an insult to my intelligence". Basically at work the other day, the recommendation from the fucking empty suits comes down to engage more customers in small talk or your reviews will go down. Remarkably, their report didnt include why exactly I should give a fuck. I refuse to pretend to care about things. I know that's how people get by in this stinkhole of a world but I REFUSE. Do you people out there honestly care about the weather?! Do you actually expect me to care that you like Peanut Butter M&M's over the regular version?! They tell me "Try to engage them based on mutual interests", and I fucking laugh my ass off. Yeah I bet it'll be great when I bring up to someone I don't know that "Hey I was reading this morning on the latest collection of cases suggestive of reincarnation!!" or "You know, the British Society for Psychical Research proved the survival of consciousness after death 100 years ago, why do you think noone knows about this today?". I bet that'll go down a fucking treat. So take your advice and cram it up your ass. I don't care about you, and you don't care about me. Let's not make this any more painful than it already is.
4. Interviews with sports players after games.
Seriously, it doesnt matter what sport we're talking about. Can anybody honestly remember any one time when they did an interview with a player before or after a game and they actually said ANYTHING interesting? NO. Just some manufactured bullshit about "Yeah full credit to the rest of the team they played well" or "Back to the drawing board". JUST ONCE I want to hear one of you dull ass fuckwits come out with someone notable like "Yeah you know, I was on fire out there but the rest of my team played like fucking snails crawling through glue. If they don't ship up I'm going to open up a can of whoop ass on those overpaid useless wankers".
5. Diet Coke. Or Diet ANYTHING for that matter.
I was minding my own business the other day and noticed a warning on the side of a can of Diet Dr Pepper. "This drink contains artificial sweeteners that have been shown to cause cancer in laboratory animals". Fan Fucking Tas Mic. So not only am I giving up the smooth taste of regular soft drink for something that tastes like sweetened ass, I'm also getting cancer for it. But hey, anything to drop a few pounds right??
6. People who are shocked at the truth.
Alright people here's something to remember: DON'T ASK HOW SOMEONE IS UNLESS YOU WANT TO HEAR THE TRUTH. When someone asks 'How are you?' I have a tendency to you know, be fucking honest. Like say "Well, I got here ay 7:30am and it's now 7:30pm, how the fuck do you think I am?" or "Pretty shit, Crohn's flaring up again". The result is the same everytime. The same fucking slack jawed confused look like they dont know what to say. Obviously you were expecting me to say "good" and move on. In that case it's obvious that you don't give a solitary shit How I am, and thus WHY BOTHER ASKING IN THE FIRST PLACE. Go throw back a nice tall glass of shut the fuck up juice. Jeez people.
See you next time, for the next epic hatred boilover. Until then... don't do what society tells you. Do what I tell you instead.