Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Classic Crap: Scott Rants (Part 34.87) The Bullshit I was told as a child edition.

(This is being posted for two reasons. 1. So I can say I did 3 rants in 3 days. 2. Looking through my old ones, this is the only one that actually makes ME laugh reading it back. So I like it the best :))

Aha!! Look!! Another note!! Like OMG TOTALLY AWESOME!! Or, if you're an actual human being who doesnt watch mind melting shit like Glee or High School Musical, welcome to the new note, please sit down and enjoy yourself. Today, we will be taking a journey back to childhood. I will reflect upon the most crucial statements that were made to me which I firmly believed stopped me from developing into a super powerful immortal sex god eternal epic being. It's bullshit like this that stops humanity from reaching its true potential. It's bullshit like this that I promise never EVER to tell my kids, so that they can grow up into aforesaid super beings. Stupid lousy parenting.

1. "You cant have ice cream for breakfast!"

Fuck you. I demand to hear your reasoning why I cannot have ice cream for breakfast. I demand you produce the scientific studies confirming the fact that serious harm will befall me for eating ice cream in the morning as opposed to any other time. I get the feeling you cannot produce it. I GET THE FEELING THAT THEY DO NOT EXIST. I GET THE FEELING THAT YOU'RE TRYING TO REPRESS MY FUCKING CHILDHOOD. What the fuck are you trying to tell me here?! That by committing this cardinal sin, it is in danger of tearing a hole in the breakfast-time continuum which will devour us all whole? Do you realise how damn arbitrary this rule is?? I will demonstrate. If I eat icecream at 7:30am in New Zealand, the time in the Northern Hemisphere is 7:30 AT NIGHT. WHICH IS FUCKING ICE CREAM TIME. Which means if I was there, right at that time... YOU'D LET ME EAT BLOODY ICE CREAM. Damn you and your ice cream International Date Line double standards. You cant have it both ways. Time is irrelevant. Either you let me eat ice cream any time I want... or you never let anyone eat ice cream ever on account of it being breakfast time somewhere in the world. And if you choose the second option... I kill you. Congratulations with this rule you have ruined my life. I mean sure, I eat ice cream for breakfast now, but all I can think of is all the times I couldnt do it that I'll never get back. I'm sure it's shit like this that makes people join gangs.

2. "You can be anything you want to be!"

Wait, I hear you say. Isn't this good parenting? Isn't this positive encouragement? Well no. No it isnt. Because all it takes is one damn look at the person this statement is coming from to completely invalidate it and make you realise they're lying to you. In my case, I was being told "You can be anything you want" by someone working for an insurance company, struggling to pay the rent and bring up two children. Now there are two possibilities here. One, you have some fucking weird desires for your life. I sure don't spend some time wishing for the possibility of one day being stressed to the max raising two little shit bags in between boring mundane 9-5 jobs. Or two, what you're telling me is complete bullshit and every desire I ever have for my life is going to evaporate as I spend my time slaving away in a box factory. Dammit Mum next time, keep it to yourself.

3. "You're not getting down from the table until you eat your vegetables"

Oh just the thought of this one makes me burn with violent fury inside. Every damn night you lay in front of me a dinner that is 2/3rds great and 1/3rds utter shit on a stick. Then after doing my level headed best to eat that ungodly stack of hideous vegetables that you piled on there higher than Mt Fucking Healthy Bullshit Everest, you make me sit there and eat every last bit no matter the circumstances. You know what this taught me? That the world will hold me down, repress my individuality, crush my dreams and force feed me crap I don't want. I remember sitting at that table for hours on end being imprisoned by the gestapo nazi parenting regime. I remember my hope for the future dying inside. I remember thinking that I could be doign all manner of things, like I dont know... FINDING A CURE FOR CANCER. That's right, the reason why we dont have a cure for cancer is because I was force fed vegetables as a child. I would have been in my 5 year old toy laboratory cooking up some genetic brilliance BUT NO. This one's on you, parents.

4. "Stop drawing on the walls"

WAIT WHAT?! THE WALLS ARE WHITE!! WHITE LIKE PAPER!! YOU LET ME DRAW ON PAPER!! YOU EVEN ENCOURAGE IT!! THE WALLS ARE WHITE!!! AAAAHHHHH!!!! Okay Scott... calm down, it's all over now, you can draw on all the walls you want. AND IT'S EVEN CALLED WALL FUCKING PAPER!!! BUT I CANT DRAW ON IT!!! AAAAHHHHHH!!! This one, this one is the one that really destroyed my life. This one taught me how little sense and logic are in the rules and restrictions of this world. And yes, I heard their bullshit reasons. "You're devaluing the house". Oh yeah? Well you're devaluing my life!! I could have been Picasso version 2.0. Trust me, I've seen some of my drawings, my stick figures OOZED WITH RICH EMOTION AND LIFE. Instead now I'm a repressed adult with an English degree. IT'S WHITE AND ITS CALLED PAPER AND I CANT DRAW ON IT?!?! DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!!!!


And finally...

5. "You can have your treat after you've finished dinner"

Wow, I'm sensing a pattern here. Parenting power trip rules that dont make a lick of objective sense. Okay so I cant have my Milky Bar two hours before dinner, but two hours after is fine. Why exactly? "Because you wont eat your dinner". Well why the fuck would I need to eat my dinner IF IVE ALREADY EATEN. You non sensical authoritarian fascists would then not have to make dinner, saving yourself a lot of work! Oh wait... now I see... for the first time it's becoming clear... you want to make dinner so that you can pile up my vegetables and then make me sit there and eat them until midnight!! Then I'll be so tired that I'll go straight to bed WITHOUT DRAWING ON THE WALLS!! And then I'll sleep all morning so that.. gasp... I WONT BE ABLE TO EAT ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST!! And then, I'll get sleep sickness and stop caring about going out and being anything that I want to be in life!! Finally their whole entire sordid conspiracy is laid plain before my very eyes! It's all some sick twisted plot cunningly fashioned to ensure that I'll never grow up with dreams, goals or unearthly sexual ability. Well congratulations!! YOU'VE WON THIS ROUND!!

Well that's that. And now I'm off to eat ice cream, be a space astronaut with time travel powers, burn some vegetables, draw on the walls and eat chocolate before dinner. Peace out!!

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