Friday, August 27, 2010

Things That Will NEVER Come Out of My Mouth

This one sort of self explanatory. And it will also be the last post before I fly away to TROPICAL PARADISE for 7 days. HO-LEE SHIT. :)

1. "Capitalism is a fair and equitable system that is sure to result in happiness and contentment for everyone!!"


3. "Man I hope they renew Jersey Shore for another season"

4. "California Girls may be the greatest song ever written."

5. "And if it ain't, it's second only to My Humps"

6. "Come on, you know you want me."

7. "You know... the way we conduct relationships makes a lot of sense!"

8. "Materialism RULES."

9. "You know... I should really work harder, I wouldn't want people to think I'm not a hard nosed go getter!"

10. "I care about how your day at work was"

11. "Fuck this plot is WELL THOUGHT OUT. What was the name of this book again... Twilight?"

12. "My favourite country has gotta be ISRAEL BABY!"

13. "You know... people need to SPEAK UP MORE about their complaints about day to day life. I'm sure there are a lot of struggles out there that are worthy of being heard by the whole world!"

14. "I've done enough ranting. I think I'll pop a tranquilliser and go to bed."

15. "If we had human history all over again, there's just no way we could have built a better society than THIS ONE BABY! WHOOOO!! LET'S ALL GET DRUNK TIL WE PASS OUT!!"

16. "I can't believe how superior men are to women!!"

And finally...

17. "I'm a mother fuckin P.I.M.P!"


Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Survival of Consciousness

This is a VERY different topic from the usual humour presented here, but I thought I'd drop it in for everyone interested (which really should be EVERYONE). The past 3 years I've been doing A LOT of reading on this topic and found that not only is there evidence for the fact that we are immortal and our consciousness will survive death, there's a fucking BOATLOAD of it. Just one more reason to despise the mainstream news and mainstream society for systematically covering it the fuck up to protect their precious materialism which causes pretty much every problem known to man.

By now I'm pretty much an encyclopedia of knowledge on survival, psychic phenomena and the paranormal (and the arguments against these things, which tend to you know, be shallow as a paddling pool and easily rebutted). The main reason these things aren't widely accepted is because nobody really knows the evidence, and whenever tidbits are provided on the news there's always your token materialist skeptic who gets wheeled on to make some bad arguments that have zero evidence behind them. The record shows that pretty much every scientist/priest/lawyer whoever who decided to systematically investigate the topic came away convinced of the phenomena. So here is some recommended reading for those interested.

1. Entangled Minds by Dean Radin PhD.
2. The Sense of Being Stared At by Rupert Sheldrake PhD.
3. Parapsychology and the Skeptics by Chris Carter
4. Evidence of the Afterlife by Jeffrey Long M.D
5. The Articulate Dead by Michael Tymn
6. Life Before Life by Jim Tucker M.D
7. Your Eternal Self by Craig Hogan PhD.
8. The Promise of Psychical Research by Lawrence LeShan PhD.
9. The Medium, The Mystic and the Physicist by Lawrence LeShan PhD.
10. Irreducible Mind by a bunch of people (if you have the patience for a 700 page book demonstrating in excruciating detail how the brain does not produce consciousness haha)
11. The Synchronised Universe: A New Science of the Paranormal by Claude Swanson PhD.

That should do for a start ;)

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

A very LATE answer to more ETERNAL QUESTIONS

How late are we talking?? Two months that's how late. But the most important thing is these questions get ANSWERS from the Guru. Because lord knows the world cant rest until a bunch of questions that are probably meant to be rhetorical are given ridiculous answers on a blog hardly anyone knows about. ;)

1. Does true love exist? What about love at first sight?

Yes and yes. The phenomena known as 'love at first sight' is linked to a specific set of planning that we as souls did before we incarnated in this lifetime. So that we don't miss out on our soulmates we place 'reminders' in the other person's appearance, scent or the circumstances in which we are to meet them to let us know they are in fact something special. I have had this happen to me before, when from the instant I saw someone, I knew they were going to be a lifelong connection. This connection does not always have to fall within the confines of a limited 'relationship' or 'marriage'. So far it has proved accurate, and they have confided they felt the same thing when they first saw me. Now really, why did this question have to be first? As far as I know there is little that is funny about me going off on tangents such as this. Maybe I can bring it back by saying that if you're having these sort of feelings I'm describing and you're looking at a pig on the farm, you may need psychiatric help.

2. If you build it, will they come?

Well, it largely depends what you mean by the qualifiers 'it' and 'they'. For example, replace the word 'it' with the word 'A mosque' and replace the word 'they' with the word 'Jews' and the answer is probably fucking not. However, if you replace the word 'it' with 'shopping mall with flashing lights and colours' and 'they' with braindead socially programmed deadheads, the answer is almost certainly yes.

3. Is youth wasted on the young?

Oh dear, this set of Eternal Questions seem to stuck on repeat. Since I've answered this before, I'm going to instead go off and waste my youth by smoking some serious reefer.

4. Do blondes have more fun?

Dude... I could totally go for a cheeseburger right now. Or five.

5. Is love blind?

Love is both totally blind and all seeing. This is not a paradox. Love is blind because physical form ultimately makes no difference and may as well not exist. Love is all seeing because it sees both physical form and that which lies beyond. In other words, try loving Adolf Hitler even if he possessed the body of Brad Pitt in his prime. It ain't fucking happening. Then try loving your soulmate if he has temporarily assumed the body of Adolf Hitler. Perfectly possible.

6. Should English be America’s official language?

No. The official language of America should be a complex series of clicks and whistles. It should then be forcibly imposed on every citizen. Basically because this is a state of affairs that I would find humorous.

7. Is it too late to apologize?

No. It is never too late to apologize, and to forgive oneself. Forgiveness stops the wheel of karma. This answer however may have it's limits. For example, if you were the son of a bitch responsible for the extinction of the dinosaurs, IT'S FUCKING TOO LATE YOU SMARMY BASTARD. THE DAMAGE IS FUCKING DONE.

There, now you have more Eternal Answers and your life continues to be illuminated by my splendor.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Lost In Translation

So I was looking over my photos from my Europe tour a few years ago, and came across something that reminded me of an incident of great hilarity.

Myself (a New Zealander), two Australians Ed, Thomas and one American (Juelles) were sitting in Prague outside coffee shop with one of those gas powered heating towers providing warmth in the negative degree temperatures. I remark that those towers are "like things you put on your deck". Juelles almost spits out her drink exclaiming "WHAT?!?!?!". The Aussies do nothing, realising the nature of the Kiwi accent. However, my statement had got lost to our darling friend Juelles who heard the word 'deck' as something else entirely. ;)

I was perplexed for a second... and then the realisation dawned. Uh oh, she thinks you're a weird ass pervert ;) Hilarity ensued.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

The Next Rant

If you will but take a look to your right you will see that this month has been unusually productive here on the GBA. (Public Service Announcement: The Greatest Blog Alive has recently been scientifically evaluated by a collection of highly trained PhDs. They unanimously came to a conclusion that it IS in fact the Greatest Blog Alive. They also liked the 20s I slipped them before they finalised their reports)

Soon the ball will be kept rolling with Part 877 of my never ending and by now extremely fucking tedious ranting. But you are the suckers who keep reading so apparently you know best. On the NEXT EPISODE... Batman and Robin have been strapped to THE CONVEYOR OF DEATH BY THE RIDDLER!! DOOM IS NIGH!!! HOWEVER WILL THEY ESCAPE!! DAMN THAT RIDDLER!!! HE'S SO FIENDISH!!!

Uh... I mean, on the next Rant topics dealt with will be; Ambition and how it is a pointless waste of time. Also, Idiots who believe the shit they hear on the news, the RETURN of more fucking swine flu bullshit hysteria and how Reality TV has gone to shit. See you soon ;)

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Scott's Proxy Rant #3: Leggo's is going down

Welcome one. Welcome all. If all happens to be more than one. Which in the case of this blog is highly doubtful. Today we have another client... one who had a bad experience with some spaghetti sauce.


Alright so I was just MINDING MY BUSINESS and cooking up some serious fucking spag bol right? I mean seriously, up until that moment my day was just going fucking swimmingly. Then I grab the container of bitter destiny. Marked with the logo of Leggos. I pour that sum bitch evenly over my beautifully rendered and exquisitely drained SPAG BOL and sit down to eat. Hey wait... what are those white bits?? OH HELL FUCKING NO.

WHY?! WHY DID I NOT NOTICE UNTIL HALFWAY THROUGH THAT I WAS INGESTING MAGGOTS?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Look, I know what you fuckwits are thinking. "Why weren't you more observant?" Well gee, I don't know you complete dick faces, DO YOU FUCKING PERFORM DETAILED MAGGOT INSPECTION ON EVERYTHING YOU EAT BEFOREHAND?! When you sit down with your fucking poorly cooked fish fillets or whatever fucking shit you decided to actually get off your ass and fail to make properly, do you really go over it with a fine tooth comb just in case?? NO YOU DON'T. Because you expect these manufacturing SHIT GORILLAS to actually do their fucking jobs to a decent standard. Oh yeah, my 3 year old ate some too but that's not important, I mean kids eat worms in the backyard all the time. :P

Alright Leggo's you have made a powerful enemy today. You have NO IDEA of the power I can bring to bear to bring down your corporate dick licking asses. In fact my plans have already begun... I SIGNED UP YOUR CUSTOMER SERVICE EMAIL ADDRESS TO PORNOGRAPHY SPAM!!! THAT'LL SHOW YOU!! You know, why cant you dickheads be more like your namesake, LEGO? Building blocks of fun, not building blocks of FUCKING INSECT LARVAE. And you have the GALL to offer me a fucking $15 dollar voucher as compensation. ON FEAR FACTOR THEY'D GIVE ME FUCKING $50,000 FOR THIS!! And you expect me to eat MORE LEGGO'S?! That's like me telling someone I got burned by jumping into a volcano and them giving me a voucher for more ALL EXPENSES PAID VOLCANO JUMPS. I hate this stinking world and every fucking maggot in it.

Alright I had fun with this one, hopefully it satisfies ;)

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Suggestions for the Nuske Amazing Race application

This entry may be meaningless to others, you have been forewarned. This entry is solely for the purpose of helping Troy and Michelle come up with a winning entry to get cast on The Amazing Race Australia using my brilliant mind.

1. Here's my first video suggestion. Play on the fact that you are both teachers. Show two scenes, with you in class getting harassed by your students, growing more and more insane. Then, you cant take it any more and film yourselves bolting out of class and running like hell away across the schoolyard. Then you both run into each other, introduce yourselves to the camera and beg into the camera for the producers of the Amazing Race to give you sweet escape from these kids. "Anywhere in the world will do!"

2. Play on the fact that you really cant stand each other ;) Make a video of you arguing like hell over anything, be it Sydney Roosters, Rabbitohs, Geelong, the fact that Troy smells. Show them the drama of your day to day lives, to convince them that you will be entertaining on the show, "How could we possibly co-exist? You'll have to pick us to find out!"

3. Incorporate the fact that you met each other on an overseas adventure, and thus are desperate to relive past glories by racing all around the world.

4. Every reality show needs EVIL VILLAINS. Make a video of you both being EVIL. Troy sneaks up behind a kid, steals his lollies and runs like hell away. Someone on the street asks Michelle for directions and she sends them halfway across town in the wrong way just for laughs. TROY AND MICHELLE CHECK IN TO A HOTEL AND TAKE THINGS FROM THE MINI BAR WITHOUT FILLING IN THE FORM AT CHECK OUT TIME. EVIL. Then you introduce yourselves, call yourself "The pure marriage of evil" and say you will do whatever it takes to smash those other couples if you're selected.

5. Make a complete cheese ball production of you both running in front of a screen that continually changes to reflect different Australian environments. How you will accomplish this is not my problem :P

6. An Amazing Team for an Amazing Race. Dress up as superheroes and emphasise how damn better you are than the average Aussie couple. You are AMAZING after all. :P

7. Troy, the resident Maths professor and his beautiful assistant Michelle stand in labcoats (not for any reason, but because labcoats make you look like professors) next to a blackboard with millions of equations scrawled on it. Say that your IMMENSE Maths knowledge has led to you formulate equations that will get you all across Australia faster and in means that your less educated opponents had ever dreamed of. Make up some bullshit about these equations that sounds awesome. "The coefficient of distance, denoted x minus the proportion of dumbness in our adversaries denoted y leads inexorably to a Nuske victory with extreme velocity!" Fuck I'm awesome.

8. Show Troy in a bar, dishevelled and drunk. Michelle then makes a public service announcement to the producers to give this poor man a reason to live by sending their ass around the world so fast that he wont have fucking time to be a drunken lout anymore. Hey, sometimes the truth works!

9. Arty advertisements are all the rage these days. Make a video that has NOTHING to do with either of you. Like show some snow capped landscapes, followed by a closeup of a toilet all the while a narrator talks about "the struggles inherant in modern capitalism". Then out of nowhere, cut to a screen that says "Pick Troy and Michelle Nuske for the Amazing Race". It's DARING. It's MEANINGFUL.

10. Show the producers how you will compete effectively using Troy's small stature. Show Michelle stowing Troy into the overhead compartment, and rolling him up behind the bed for easy storage. Say that with such an advantage, Michelle will only need to secure one ticket for every journey and will streak ahead of their more encumbered opposition.

You can thank me later ;)

Monday, August 9, 2010

Translating from Bullshit into English (Part One)

Do you speak English?? I do. I'm pretty good at it too, or so my university qualifications would have you believe. However I have noticed that 'English' is a language on the decline. No, I am not referring to an influx of other ethnic languages like Spanish, Chinese, French or whatever. I am referring to an influx on what can only be referred to as complete bullshit masquerading as English. Since I know this affects every one of us, I will now perform the public service of taking a handful of pure bullshit and translating it into what it really means in plain English. As usual, you can thank me later.

1. The Bullshit: "How are you??"

The English: Look, I don't give a flying fuck how you are. I want to rant about MY issues and complain about trivial crap. This is just me paying attention to societal convention and pretending to give two shits. Just, you know, hurry up, say 'good' and let's move on to more pressing matters. Like ME.

2. The Bullshit: "I've had such a crap day"

The English: Perspective?? What's that?? No I don't give a fuck that people are dying in Africa, Fucking Sandra made fun of my hair at work!! Can you believe that! What a bitch! And then I spent the rest of the day feeling inadequate. AND THEN I got stuck in TRAFFIC on the way home. Basically, I can't see the fact that all this drama I like to manifest in my life is as important and noteworthy in the grand scheme of things as a fucking popcorn fart. So I'm going to keep pretending the world revolves around me, no other problems exist and infect you with my total redundant first world bullshit. And you're going to fucking sit there, and like it.

3. The Bullshit: "I believe in freedom and equal rights!".

The English: I believe in freedom and equal rights... until someone disagrees or offends me. Then I will scream to the high fucking heavens that their point of view should be censored and they should be punished for offending me in such an egregious manner. I will also completely fail to see my own hypocrisy, and the irony in my pronouncements. Basically, I'm a purposeless snivelling worm who thinks my standards equal the standards of the universe.

4. The Bullshit: "I can't make it tonight... I'm feeling like shit."

The English: I only scheduled something with you because I was fucking desperate and had nothing better to do. Now, something better has manifested itself and so I'm going with that, all the while passing you off this bullshit and hoping we don't meet accidentally and awkwardly somewhere tonight. Man that would be ass!

5. The Bullshit: "I only drink in moderation"

The English: PASS THE VODKA!!!

6. The Bullshit: "I can cook pretty well when I have to"

The English: I can put toast in the machine and sometimes even scrape butter across it without making a mess.

7. The Bullshit: "I'm a hard worker and I learn fast!"

The English: After two weeks I'll be taking my four weeks leave thanks, then I'll burn through my sick days. And yeah, I'll be fucking up the same things I fuck up everyday when I finally decide to come to work. And plus, I'm as slow as a snail crawling through glue.

8. The Bullshit: "I like ALL KINDS of music"

The English: I like pop and R'n B. Wait... there are OTHER kinds of music?? I don't buy it. Otherwise they would play it on the radio!! I'm a true music connoisseur you know.

9. The Bullshit: "I wish more guys would admire me for my mind"

The English: I wear skirts short enough that they should be called belts. If my top was cut any lower it would also resemble a belt. I laugh at every stupid joke cute boys make, bat my eyelids and throw my hair back all the while making a comment about I couldn't understand the convoluted plot of the latest Disney/Pixar movie. If any guy really did admire me for my mind then he must have the mental capacities of a sea slug.

10. The Bullshit: "She/He is stealing my boyfriend/girlfriend!!"

The English: I'm a complete and utter fucktard who actually dares to think that the other person in my life is akin to a possession or belonging. I am an utterly brainwashed societal drone. I will also miss the fucking point that maybe my 'possession' has a free will of their own. The irony that 'stealing' happens to inanimate objects and not people will be totally lost on me. I am a turd on the underpants of life.

Stay tuned for part two of our elucidating wading through the ocean of BS ;)

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Scott's Proxy Rant #2: Business is Boomin'!

That's right so far I've kept to my goal. Four entries in four days!!

Today, my client is a Mr. Blanky McBlank Blank Blankerson, (name changed to protect identity) who lives in Sydney, Australia with his beautiful wife and his surly disposition. ;)

1. New people at work who think they're too good to fit in.

Look you egregious wankers you're going to listen to me and listen good. When I started teaching at this fucking hell hole of a school that I had to pretend to be Catholic to even get into, I realised it was going to be a struggle for my heathen ass to fit in. SO I TOOK MY LICKS. Do you think I WANTED to interact with half of these total losers?? For God's sake some of them actually LIKE TEACHING!! And even worse... SOME OF THEM TEACH ENGLISH. (Aside note from Scott: Yes, it pains me to write that... but the pay is good :))

So every fucking day I waltzed into Satan's testicle (otherwise known as 'The Staffroom') and sat down to eat my lunch amongst my colleagues attempting to engage them in conversation. Now of course, there were several things I would rather have been doing. Some of them include watching fucking paint dry, walking barefoot across broken fucking glass and selling my body on the street to 200kg women who would no doubt crush me into the fucking netherworld with their overwhelming obesity. BUT I DID IT NONETHELESS. I ASKED ABOUT THEIR FUCKING CHILDREN. I PRETENDED TO FUCKING CARE WHAT UTTER JOCKSTRAP RIPPING BULLSHIT THEY DID IN THE WEEKENDS. I PRETENDED NOT TO WANT TO THROW THEIR ASS INTO A FUCKING ACTIVE VOLCANO AFTER FOUR SHIT BAG WORDS THAT CAME OUT OF THEIR INSIGNIFICANT OLD MOUTHS.

And then... And fucking then you new teachers come in here, and think you can get away with NOT DOING THAT?! You dont talk to ANYONE. You eat lunch AT YOUR DESK UPSTAIRS. I'm sorry but no deal fuckface. You get your ass into Satan's testicle and fucking listen to what Mr. Smith's four year old did in the weekend until you want to gouge your own eyes out with pencils. Do you people think you're better than me?! FUCK. I HATE YOU ALL. You fuckwits better try and fucking socialise or I'll have you condemned to coaching the fucking chess team. Go eat shit newbies.

The number is 1-800-SCOTTRANTS. Cheap and easy at only 78.95 per minute!!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Classic Crap: Scott Rants (Part 34.87) The Bullshit I was told as a child edition.

(This is being posted for two reasons. 1. So I can say I did 3 rants in 3 days. 2. Looking through my old ones, this is the only one that actually makes ME laugh reading it back. So I like it the best :))

Aha!! Look!! Another note!! Like OMG TOTALLY AWESOME!! Or, if you're an actual human being who doesnt watch mind melting shit like Glee or High School Musical, welcome to the new note, please sit down and enjoy yourself. Today, we will be taking a journey back to childhood. I will reflect upon the most crucial statements that were made to me which I firmly believed stopped me from developing into a super powerful immortal sex god eternal epic being. It's bullshit like this that stops humanity from reaching its true potential. It's bullshit like this that I promise never EVER to tell my kids, so that they can grow up into aforesaid super beings. Stupid lousy parenting.

1. "You cant have ice cream for breakfast!"

Fuck you. I demand to hear your reasoning why I cannot have ice cream for breakfast. I demand you produce the scientific studies confirming the fact that serious harm will befall me for eating ice cream in the morning as opposed to any other time. I get the feeling you cannot produce it. I GET THE FEELING THAT THEY DO NOT EXIST. I GET THE FEELING THAT YOU'RE TRYING TO REPRESS MY FUCKING CHILDHOOD. What the fuck are you trying to tell me here?! That by committing this cardinal sin, it is in danger of tearing a hole in the breakfast-time continuum which will devour us all whole? Do you realise how damn arbitrary this rule is?? I will demonstrate. If I eat icecream at 7:30am in New Zealand, the time in the Northern Hemisphere is 7:30 AT NIGHT. WHICH IS FUCKING ICE CREAM TIME. Which means if I was there, right at that time... YOU'D LET ME EAT BLOODY ICE CREAM. Damn you and your ice cream International Date Line double standards. You cant have it both ways. Time is irrelevant. Either you let me eat ice cream any time I want... or you never let anyone eat ice cream ever on account of it being breakfast time somewhere in the world. And if you choose the second option... I kill you. Congratulations with this rule you have ruined my life. I mean sure, I eat ice cream for breakfast now, but all I can think of is all the times I couldnt do it that I'll never get back. I'm sure it's shit like this that makes people join gangs.

2. "You can be anything you want to be!"

Wait, I hear you say. Isn't this good parenting? Isn't this positive encouragement? Well no. No it isnt. Because all it takes is one damn look at the person this statement is coming from to completely invalidate it and make you realise they're lying to you. In my case, I was being told "You can be anything you want" by someone working for an insurance company, struggling to pay the rent and bring up two children. Now there are two possibilities here. One, you have some fucking weird desires for your life. I sure don't spend some time wishing for the possibility of one day being stressed to the max raising two little shit bags in between boring mundane 9-5 jobs. Or two, what you're telling me is complete bullshit and every desire I ever have for my life is going to evaporate as I spend my time slaving away in a box factory. Dammit Mum next time, keep it to yourself.

3. "You're not getting down from the table until you eat your vegetables"

Oh just the thought of this one makes me burn with violent fury inside. Every damn night you lay in front of me a dinner that is 2/3rds great and 1/3rds utter shit on a stick. Then after doing my level headed best to eat that ungodly stack of hideous vegetables that you piled on there higher than Mt Fucking Healthy Bullshit Everest, you make me sit there and eat every last bit no matter the circumstances. You know what this taught me? That the world will hold me down, repress my individuality, crush my dreams and force feed me crap I don't want. I remember sitting at that table for hours on end being imprisoned by the gestapo nazi parenting regime. I remember my hope for the future dying inside. I remember thinking that I could be doign all manner of things, like I dont know... FINDING A CURE FOR CANCER. That's right, the reason why we dont have a cure for cancer is because I was force fed vegetables as a child. I would have been in my 5 year old toy laboratory cooking up some genetic brilliance BUT NO. This one's on you, parents.

4. "Stop drawing on the walls"

WAIT WHAT?! THE WALLS ARE WHITE!! WHITE LIKE PAPER!! YOU LET ME DRAW ON PAPER!! YOU EVEN ENCOURAGE IT!! THE WALLS ARE WHITE!!! AAAAHHHHH!!!! Okay Scott... calm down, it's all over now, you can draw on all the walls you want. AND IT'S EVEN CALLED WALL FUCKING PAPER!!! BUT I CANT DRAW ON IT!!! AAAAHHHHHH!!! This one, this one is the one that really destroyed my life. This one taught me how little sense and logic are in the rules and restrictions of this world. And yes, I heard their bullshit reasons. "You're devaluing the house". Oh yeah? Well you're devaluing my life!! I could have been Picasso version 2.0. Trust me, I've seen some of my drawings, my stick figures OOZED WITH RICH EMOTION AND LIFE. Instead now I'm a repressed adult with an English degree. IT'S WHITE AND ITS CALLED PAPER AND I CANT DRAW ON IT?!?! DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!!!!


And finally...

5. "You can have your treat after you've finished dinner"

Wow, I'm sensing a pattern here. Parenting power trip rules that dont make a lick of objective sense. Okay so I cant have my Milky Bar two hours before dinner, but two hours after is fine. Why exactly? "Because you wont eat your dinner". Well why the fuck would I need to eat my dinner IF IVE ALREADY EATEN. You non sensical authoritarian fascists would then not have to make dinner, saving yourself a lot of work! Oh wait... now I see... for the first time it's becoming clear... you want to make dinner so that you can pile up my vegetables and then make me sit there and eat them until midnight!! Then I'll be so tired that I'll go straight to bed WITHOUT DRAWING ON THE WALLS!! And then I'll sleep all morning so that.. gasp... I WONT BE ABLE TO EAT ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST!! And then, I'll get sleep sickness and stop caring about going out and being anything that I want to be in life!! Finally their whole entire sordid conspiracy is laid plain before my very eyes! It's all some sick twisted plot cunningly fashioned to ensure that I'll never grow up with dreams, goals or unearthly sexual ability. Well congratulations!! YOU'VE WON THIS ROUND!!

Well that's that. And now I'm off to eat ice cream, be a space astronaut with time travel powers, burn some vegetables, draw on the walls and eat chocolate before dinner. Peace out!!

Monday, August 2, 2010

The first ever PROXY RANT

Alright people, today it's time for something a little different. I have realised that ranting about stuff I hate is good. But I have been missing an opportunity to make MILLIONS. All I have to do is start accepting offers for me to rant on things other people hate in their place!! They get emotional catharsis, and I get barrels of money. Probably. So here is the first official: Scott rants ON YOUR BEHALF. ;)

1. Lamewads pretending to be sick and screwing me over.

Look you people, am I the only one with even the slightest semblance of a fucking WORK ETHIC. From the looks of you mind stunted fucktards it seems that I'm the only one who understands the fact that if you don't work, YOU DON'T GET FUCKING PAID. Look, when you call in sick, it kind of defeats the pitiful transparent illusion that you are trying to create by BEING ON FACEBOOK ALL FUCKING DAY COMMENTING JOYFULLY ON STATUS UPDATES, FIDDLING WITH YOUR FUCKING FARM, MAFIA AND PRETENDING YOUR SHITTY CONVERSATIONS WITH YOUR OTHER LAYABOUT FRIENDS ACTUALLY MEAN SOMETHING. All the while, some of us have actually sucked it up and gone and done the thing we're being paid to do. I hate every last one of you and I hope that whilst you're laying in your cosy bed with your nice lunch a few swine flu germs fly in there and actually make you sick. Because that would be delicious irony, you stayed home pretending to be sick, and actually got sick. All the while I'm at work, dealing with a bunch of snot nosed brats who think the world revolves around them and aren't interested in listening to a single fucking word I've got to say. I'm telling you, this world is going to FUCKING hell in a FUCKING handbasket. Because if you capitalise the 'fuckings' it just hammers home the FUCKING point.

2. Unsupportive spouses.

I tell you, they don't make marriage like they used to. Well actually, they never made marriage good, but that's me talking and I'm doing this for someone else so ignore that one :P You know, here I was when I was making my vows actually daring to think that your promise to support me through thick and thin ACTUALLY MEANT SOMETHING. And then you go and do... THIS. My entire life has been spent wishing violent death on the vile vile Sydney Roosters Rugby League team, who have existed only to spite my beloved Souths Bunnies and then you go and bet money on them to win the Premiership JUST TO ANNOY ME. Thus, if they don't win the premiership, WE'VE LOST MONEY. And if God forbid they do... THEN YOU'VE PROFITED FROM MY MISERY. Somehow when God was sitting on his cloud conceiving of the human institution of marriage, I DON'T THINK THIS IS WHAT HE HAD IN MIND. (Aside note from Scott: Fucking fuck knuckle Sydney Roosters can kiss my ass. They beat my Warriors in the 2002 grand final, thus denying us the glory that was rightfully ours.) You know, sometimes I wish that when you take the garbage out, you would just sit out there with it, and then the garbage truck could take your ass away too. I am NOT PLEASED.

There, hopefully I have done a good job. Remember, for all your ranting needs, dial 1-800-SCOTTRANTS. Thank you ;)

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Scott Rants Part 876: Abolish These Things Now Edition

Okay I admit it. I am a voracious beast that feeds on compliments. I devour them and use them as fuel to power my propane gas tank of hatred. And since I have once again been paid the honour of having my wife to be (Verbal contract still binding in a court of law, time passing does not diminish the eternal bindingness, trust me, already talked to my lawyer, she cant weasel out of it) say that my rants are awesome... I now produce another one. That's right I am easy to manipulate. But none of that means that there arent things in the world that really need to be abolished. Things that rape my existence on a day to day basis and make me want to go swimming in the waste disposal pond, just because if the world wants to make me wade through shit I'd rather it be literal and not metaphorical.

1. Shopping excursions.

Oh, shudder. Just typing those words makes shivers of disgust race up and down my spine. As a card carrying male, the words 'shopping excursion' never fail in making my male organs shrivel and retract inside my body like they were running away from a whirring chainsaw. Don't get me wrong, I think women are so far superior to men that it's just not funny, but, your methods of shopping need to die and die fast. Just because there is a mall does not compel you to walk in there, amble between shops with all the pace of a snail crawling through fucking glue pick out 8 different outfits, try them ALL on over a period of 3 hours and then decide to buy fucking NONE OF THEM. I mostly try to avoid shopping at all costs, but when I am forced, I will buy the first thing that looks halfway decent to avoid the inevitable pain. BUT NO THAT JUST WONT WORK FOR YOU. And why oh why does every excursion follow the same pattern?! That is: you walk into the shop, see something you like, don't buy it and proceed to walk through 18 other shops before COMING BACK TO THE FIRST ONE AND BUYING THE FIRST THING YOU LIKED. And every last time, I hear God laughing at me. Every last time.

2. The U.S Political System

For the heart and soul of democracy, America sure gives you a fat dicksquat nothing choice. The Democrat who will end zero wars, change nothing and restrict your freedom or the Republican who will end zero wars, change nothing and restrict your freedom. Well fuck me, thank God our ancestors died to give us THIS PRIVILEGE. Why dont you stop insulting people's intelligence and just tell them, "Yo guys, it doesnt really matter, whoever you pick is going to be under the thumb of the bankers and will have their head up Israel's rectum". Sure, noone will like to hear that, but at least you'll be being fucking honest.

3. Small talk with strangers

Do you know why they call it small talk? Because that's the size of it's fucking importance in terms of fucking ANYTHING. Maybe they should call it what it really is: "A giant waste of everyone's time and an insult to my intelligence". Basically at work the other day, the recommendation from the fucking empty suits comes down to engage more customers in small talk or your reviews will go down. Remarkably, their report didnt include why exactly I should give a fuck. I refuse to pretend to care about things. I know that's how people get by in this stinkhole of a world but I REFUSE. Do you people out there honestly care about the weather?! Do you actually expect me to care that you like Peanut Butter M&M's over the regular version?! They tell me "Try to engage them based on mutual interests", and I fucking laugh my ass off. Yeah I bet it'll be great when I bring up to someone I don't know that "Hey I was reading this morning on the latest collection of cases suggestive of reincarnation!!" or "You know, the British Society for Psychical Research proved the survival of consciousness after death 100 years ago, why do you think noone knows about this today?". I bet that'll go down a fucking treat. So take your advice and cram it up your ass. I don't care about you, and you don't care about me. Let's not make this any more painful than it already is.

4. Interviews with sports players after games.

Seriously, it doesnt matter what sport we're talking about. Can anybody honestly remember any one time when they did an interview with a player before or after a game and they actually said ANYTHING interesting? NO. Just some manufactured bullshit about "Yeah full credit to the rest of the team they played well" or "Back to the drawing board". JUST ONCE I want to hear one of you dull ass fuckwits come out with someone notable like "Yeah you know, I was on fire out there but the rest of my team played like fucking snails crawling through glue. If they don't ship up I'm going to open up a can of whoop ass on those overpaid useless wankers".

5. Diet Coke. Or Diet ANYTHING for that matter.

I was minding my own business the other day and noticed a warning on the side of a can of Diet Dr Pepper. "This drink contains artificial sweeteners that have been shown to cause cancer in laboratory animals". Fan Fucking Tas Mic. So not only am I giving up the smooth taste of regular soft drink for something that tastes like sweetened ass, I'm also getting cancer for it. But hey, anything to drop a few pounds right??

6. People who are shocked at the truth.

Alright people here's something to remember: DON'T ASK HOW SOMEONE IS UNLESS YOU WANT TO HEAR THE TRUTH. When someone asks 'How are you?' I have a tendency to you know, be fucking honest. Like say "Well, I got here ay 7:30am and it's now 7:30pm, how the fuck do you think I am?" or "Pretty shit, Crohn's flaring up again". The result is the same everytime. The same fucking slack jawed confused look like they dont know what to say. Obviously you were expecting me to say "good" and move on. In that case it's obvious that you don't give a solitary shit How I am, and thus WHY BOTHER ASKING IN THE FIRST PLACE. Go throw back a nice tall glass of shut the fuck up juice. Jeez people.

See you next time, for the next epic hatred boilover. Until then... don't do what society tells you. Do what I tell you instead.