Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Some Messages to the Cast of 'The Hills'

The Hills. The grandest abomination that has ever vomitted forth into our unsuspecting world, corrupting all it touches with it's hideous vileness and all encompassing bile and burning calamity. Not only that, but it has reproduced, and formed two hideous offspring to carry on it's truly malevolent legacy; The City and Jersey Shore. Mired in pseudo reality we get a glimpse into the lives of the biggest asshats and douchebags that have ever been given extraordinary privilege and still saw fit to moan like fuck about it. So for all sane thinking people, here is a message to YOU, the cast of the Hills.

1. "No. You are NOT the shit."

Alright girls, the amount of cosmetic surgery you all have is probably keeping the entire industry in business at this point, but I regret to inform you that none of it makes any fucking difference whatsoever. Remarkably enough, before the boob job you were a shallow prissy stuck up human being and after the boob job, you're still a shallow prissy stuck up human being, now with silicone! How about some perspective girls, you are not God's gift to man solely because you are attractive... it doesn't matter how good you look, men still have to talk to you. And none really want to hear about your piddling little issues about how Whitney said something behind your back or how Spencer is starting rumors.

2. "WHO CARES?!"

Alright guys and girls of 'The Hills', I'd like to introduce you to my new invention. It's called the Problem-O-Scope. What you do, is you tell the machine your problems, and it comes out with a never fail 100% accurate representation of how serious your issues really are!! See, let's test it! I just brought in a displaced homeless man from the Gaza strip and he registered at 88 out of 100! Looks like his problems are real! Now, you try! Oh... your Mom doesn't like your new haircut?? Your sister living with you is proving a slight annoyance to your boyfriend?? Your ex is like TOTALLY snogging someone else even though he KNOWS you're in the club too?? Your private plane is in for repairs?? Okay Problem-O-Scope... what do you make of all this? Oh... hold on... I've never seen THIS reading before. Apparently the Problem-O-Scope has come out with -15 out of 100. As in, not only are these problems not real, they are an INSULT to real problems. Please people, stop talking. There's only so much oxygen to go around and I don't like what you're doing with your share.

3. "Your standards are imaginary. They have no objective reality outside of yourself. Stop being such a judgmental dickhead."

How many damn times on this show do we have to bear witness to someone describing one of their friends as "a total bitch" for doing something completely insignificant that they probably didn't even know was a real issue. And a second thing, how many damn times are you idiots going to rely on Chinese Whispers that has passed through like six different people as the honest truth of what's going on with your friends?! If the cast of The Hills set the standard for friendship in this world, boy I'd be on the next rocket ship to Mars. And when someone does something totally piddling to you, STOP BLOWING IT OUT OF PROPORTION. Seriously, you can cry about it when and if they do something like trying to kill you, or burn down your house. Saying to your boyfriend that they don't like your pants remarkably doesn't qualify as serious. Forgiveness people. Forgiveness. Oh but I forgot, forgiveness doesn't equal ratings, and we've got young minds to corrupt into thinking this is the way social interaction should work!!

4. "Choosing whether society should be exposed to Hitler, or The Hills is a fucking tough choice"

Seriously, people worship this show and it's hideous progeny. Young guys will start thinking acting like those muscle bound douche nozzles on Jersey Shore is the only way to get girls to pay attention to you. Young girls will think guys wont pay attention to them unless they disregard all personality and just focus exclusively on appearance. Seriously, can anybody think of any people you would want to have a conversation with LESS than the cast of Hills or the Jersey Shore?? In fact, if I ever saw them on the street, I would BOLT in the other direction. Congratulations cast of the Hills, you are promoting transitory materialism and crippling our youth from discovering the beauty of love and forgiveness.

The Hills is coming to an end?! Good, that's step one. Now break out the Men In Black memory washers so we can all go on as if it had never happened in the first place.

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