Saturday, July 17, 2010

Classic Crap: Scott Rants Part SEVEN

Well here we are again. Back by popular demand (yes I call two people commenting favorably on the last part 'popular demand'. You got a problem? Go get impaled on a clothes hanger.) Because these rants got stale about four parts ago I need a gimmick to fool you into thinking this is actually something different and not just the same old shit. But dont be fooled. At the end of the day it is still really the same old shit. I'm like a one trick pony. Only without the pony part. And the trick kinda sucks. But I digress, this being part seven, I will analyse and verbally denounce THE SEVEN BLUNDERS OF THE WORLD. The seven stupidest, most idiotic, piss brained things that the collective vomit bag that is humanity have ever invented in our long, tedious and pointless history. You may disagree with these selections, but as usual, if you disagree, you have just drunk the Kool Aid of WRONG. So lets get on with it shall we? Addressing you directly is making me ill.

The first blunder of the world: RINGTONES

Ugh. Just writing that word makes me feel sick to my very loins. My loins I tell you!! Whoever invented the first ringtone that was any different to the traditional 'brring brring' sound, thank you for being the most monumental trash bag douche ever recorded in the annals, or in your case the anals, of time. Ringtones are the most annoying, suicide inducing sounds the human ear can ever hear. And people PAY MONEY for this bullshit!! I'm sorry but if youre ever with me, and your phone goes off, and its anything other than 'brring brring' or 'beep' (even 'beep' is a fucking stretch) then I shall inflict pain on your hideous soul judged by the following levels. 1. If it is some comical horn sound, fart noise or cartoon sound effect I slap you in the face. 2. If its some quote from some movie I give you a colonoscopy with my boot and 3. If its pop music, or worse, I hear 'sexyback' then I murder you. With rusty meathooks. There is simply no excuse for that shit. "I want a ringtone that expresses my personality blah blah blah" I hear you moan. Well you've done a great job because your ringtone perfectly expresses the fact that you're an annoying repetitive unoriginal waste of everybody's time that I wouldn't pay $1.99 for. And I'll end on that because I cant top that last sentence. Brring Brring mother fuckers!!

The second blunder of the world: GOLF

If ringtones make me want to rip my ears off, watching golf makes me want to gouge my eyes out. I can only imagine what sensory carnage could ensue if golf was on tv and a ringtone went off. I cannot conceive who invented a game where a collection of oddly shaped sticks are used to hit a dimpled white sphere down a field into a tiny hole. All I'm sure of is that when it was invented, crack was involved. If you have ever sat through a full round of golf coverage then you seriously need to reconsider your life. Golf is the equivalent of a full frontal fuck off lobotomy. The player swings the stick at the ball. The ball flies through the air and lands on grass. The player spends fifteen minutes walking to the ball with a blank look on their face. Repeat for five hours. To add excitement, sometimes the ball lands on slightly longer grass, or in sand. Wow, feel the fucking electricity. And we pay these blank faced dullards millions of dollars... all the while children in 3rd world countries starve to death and earn pittance for slaving 14 hours in shoe factories. Good job civilised society. Good job.

The third blunder of the world: MCDONALDS

For one reason and one reason alone. If McDonalds never existed, nobody would have ever bought out Georgie Pie. And if Georgie Pie was still around I can only presume my last ten years would have been filled with far more ball pits and far less persistent depression. Oh, and McDonalds created the obesity epidemic in our younger generation. But thats more a good thing than a bad. More fatties to laugh at and feel socially superior to.

The fourth blunder of the world: THE UNITED NATIONS

Last week the United Nations security council debated for FOUR HOURS about whether to add the word 'concerning' to their description of the North Korean missile test launch. They eventually after FOUR HOURS could not come to an agreement. Fucking great work U.N. I have a suggestion to improve the U.N because right now its just an excuse for members of every nation to get together and talk uselessly about 'issues that could be issues or if they're leading to issues, but we've got to decide if they're issues or if they're leading to issues possibly related to other issues'. Replace every member with a monkey in a sash with that country's name printed on it. When one monkey throws faeces at another one, that means those countries will go to war. When one monkey grooms another monkey that means those two countries have come to terms on a free trade agreement. And if two monkeys start having sex, those are probably the monkeys marked 'United States' and 'Israel'. Wow this note is really on fire so far!!

The fifth blunder of the world: TWITTER

Okay so let me get this straight. You post single sentences of 140 characters or less telling people your thoughts, what you're doing or posting messages. Other people do the same. This is just wrong on so many levels. One, 140 characters is not enough for an articulate gentleman such as myself to adequately express the depth of my thoughts. Two, it creates the illusion that people actually give a fuck about you and your shitty mini updates on your pointless life. Three, its all the rage right now, so it must be shit. Everything popular is automatically crap according to rule 146 of the book of life. Twitter must be stopped before people start thinking that their opinions mean something. The real reason it only gives you 140 characters to express yourself is because Twitter knows whoever is dumb enough to sign up for it must be so shallow, pointless people that everything about them can be summed up in that many letters. Well you made a mistake Twitter. I only need 10 characters to describe everything about these people. Douchebags.

The Sixth blunder of the world: WINDOWS VISTA

1. Have you ever used Windows Vista? If yes, go to 3. If no, go to 2.
2. Go and use Windows Vista. After you have done so, providing you have not killed yourself make your way to 3.
3. You now know how god awful Windows Vista is and how it makes you feel the desire to go on a murderous rampage every time it loads up. Congratulations.

The Seventh Blunder of the World: MARRIAGE

Yes, we have saved the most abominable to last. Marriage. MARRIAGE! One third of the 'unholy trinity' of Work, Marriage and Religion. Work is a prison for your body, religion is a prison for your spirit and Marriage is a prison for your mind. Nothing mankind has ever invented has killed more people before their time than marriage. Allow me to methodically take you on a journey through marriage that is highly reminiscent of 'Dante's Inferno', because yes my friends, you will see hell.

Marriage is a concept that has no point or purpose. The only possible reason two people have to give away their precious freedom as free thinking individuals and subvert themselves to emotional prison for eternity is the need for security. And it doesn't even fucking do that. Congratulations, now you've got a ring and a government contract, is that going to stop him/her shacking up with anyone else? History says no. Marriages typically follow this timeline: Things go well for the first 6 months to a year, then things get boring/the partner suddenly changes/stresses come along/emotions die down/money gets tight and happiness wanes. You either soldier on through in spite of this or get a divorce. Soldiering on through creates resentment, unhappiness and the feeling of entrapment as both parties feel trapped by their obligations and vows. Divorce creates unhappiness and bitterness as well as possession division. Hooray. But why you ask?? Because marriage is predicated on an obligation that no human being can rationally make. Promising to feel the same way tomorrow is a lie to the universe let alone promising to feel the same way the rest of your life. It can't be done and no one seems to fucking figure that out. The truest form of love is waking up each morning and choosing again to be with the person you love without any obligation and the freedom to walk away at any time. In this sense a relationship is a higher form of love than marriage solely because of the lack of physical commitment; both parties are there because they want to be with nothing exterior holding them there. Anything else is just some counterfeit version and is deluding yourself. Successful marriages are the ones where both people do just what I have outlined and happen to make the same choice until they die. They could have done this exact same thing without the binding contract, ring or promises. SO WHATS THE POINT. Answer: there is none. And as an aside, on the gay marriage issue, gays should be allowed without question to marry. They should get the right to be as miserable as everybody else.

Phew, that turned out a little more serious than I had imagined. Ah well, fuck it. I hope everybody who reads this is offended in some way shape or form, because then I'm doing my job ;) Peace, and I await the endless onslaught of marriage defenders posting comments in 3...2....1....

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