Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Classic Crap: How To Survive the Recession (A Practical Guide)

Ever since the global economic downturn begun, I've seen a gajillion of these stupid guides crop up in every publication and website under the sun. And they're all deceitful bullshit that totally misses the point. So I'm doing you all a massive favour. Here is the true be-all and end-all guide on HOW TO SURVIVE THE RECESSION.

1. Breathe oxygen.
2. Eat food and drink water regularly. Starvation can lead to death.
3. Do not bring electrical appliances with you whilst taking a bath.
4. Do not put your hand into the insinkerator.
5. Joining the military is a bad idea. Statistics show that if you are in the army you have less chance of survival than someone who is not in the army. It's just sense people.
6. When skydiving, ensure parachute is equipped.
7. On second thought, dont fucking skydive.
8. If you are above the age of 85, your chances of surviving the entire recession become slim. Try to reduce your goals and expectations a bit. Maybe you can survive half the recession and that'll be something right?
9. Active volcanoes may seem like fun places to travel to. But you're reading this guide for a reason, so dont even fucking think about it.
10. Methylated spirits is not for drinking.
11. Dont talk to other people. Your personality and viewpoints are surely gorssly offensive and may warrant murder. The only way to be safe is to disavow the entirety of humanity until the recession ends.
12. Yes, even your family.
13. ESPECIALLY your family.
14. And stay away from animals.
15. Yes, fucking ALL OF THEM.
16. Travel by plane is generally thought to be safer than travel by automobile. So fly everywhere. Including to the store to get milk.
17. On second thought, dont drink milk, you dont know where that cow has been.
18. Following on from number 11... If you must talk to other people you must under no circumstances touch them. Recession STDs are rampant, especially Currency Clamydia and Stockmarket Siphyllis.
19. Why are you on the internet?? Radiation from the computer monitor is harmful to your health. Get back to your underground bunker... I'll tell you when the recession's over.

And finally... the ultimate piece of advice to survive the recession.

20. Dont die between now and the end of the recession.

You can all thank me later for saving your ass in this difficult time.

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