Friday, June 4, 2010

Random Thoughts (The Fourth)

1. Scientists are baffled. All the time. Seriously every new thing you see on the news is ALWAYS followed by the words "Scientists are baffled." A new fossil was dug up in West Jimbuckistan. It doesn't fit with the timeline scientists believe happened. Scientists are baffled. Old man goes without food and water for 18 days. Scientists are baffled. Jupiter loses one of it's stripes. Scientists are baffled. What appears to be a UFO streaking through space appears on Hubble image. Scientists attempt to write it off as the result of a meteor collision. Normal guy points out that its in FUCKING SPACE and meteor collisions in fucking space can't produce a trail of burning plasma behind it. Scientists are baffled. Scientists report being baffled. Scientists are baffled at the fact that scientists are baffled. Report indicates scientists have a proclivity to being baffled. Scientists are baffled. What the hell are they good for?

2. I'm teaching my English students the art of argument, how to think on the spot and counter unexpected developments. Thus we are having a debate on Monday concerning the topic 'Boys are superior to girls'. I am on the negative team. I'm going to crush them. We aren't fit to lick girls feet.

3. Mountain Dew Code Red. Tastes like a bizarre mix of Pepsi, Mountain Dew and Mirinda Raspberry. Scientists are baffled.

4. Can someone tell me why Coke Zero and Diet Coke are still on the market together? I just don't get it.

5. I have nine months to kill. Time to go into hermit mode and write my next book. It's going to be fucking awesome.

6. Another topic I have planned for the English Student debate is: 'Pop music is relevant and worthwhile' (funnily enough, I'm on the negative team).

7. I went in to McDonalds the other day to see if I could get a look at them preparing their fucking Big Mac Special Sauce of never ending mystery. They found me hiding behind trays of buns and kicked me out. I still don't know what the damn special sauce is made out of.

8. There's a dance rave thing called 'Chemistry' on over here soon. I despise raves and dance music with all my heart and soul but I vow if they ever name one of them 'Quantum Physics' I will be so fucking there.

9. I will break out my signature dance for the occasion. 'The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle'. As in, everyone around will be uncertain as to whether I'm dancing or having a seizure.

10. The day my blog gets 20,000 views is probably the day hell freezes over.

11. I guess it doesn't help that I'm a skinny white guy from the ass end of nowhere and thus will get zero views based on my inherent visual desirability.

12. Okay so the BP oil spill. Are we going to get over this whole oil thing yet?? Let me guess. No.

13. Speaking of the oil spill. Let's analyse the sequence of events here. BP fuck up. Oil starts going fucking everywhere. BP thinks 'Oh shit'. BP gets the world's finest scientific minds to come up with a solution. They decide to fire golf balls into it to plug the leak. Fuck. What was the appeal with scientists again?? Then fucking Clint Eastwood or whoever comes along and says "Here, I made this gizmo in my spare time, it sucks up oil and shits out diamonds". Fucking scientists.

14. I have 2600 emails in my inbox.

15. 2595 of them are along the lines of "Your amazon.com order has shipped", "Grow your penis naturally using supplements" and "Forward this to 20 people and your penis will grow naturally with supplements"

16. 5 are actual emails from people who I want to read.

17. That's not recent either. That's the collection of my last 3 years worth of emails. I never get around to deleting them.

18. Headline news in this country was our Prime Minister saying at a press conference that he went and got a vasectomy. Nope, Israel commandeering a vessel with aid for people in poverty and North Korea on the verge of war with the South obviously aren't important. We need to hear about John Key shooting blanks!

19. Scientists are baffled.

20. Especially at the content of special sauce. WHAT IS IT DAMMIT?!

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