Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The Hunt for BIGFOOT.

BIGFOOT. Enigmatic. Mysterious. Big Feet. Those are the things you probably think about when considering bigfoot. Me however? I think Science Destroying Alien Genetic Tampering Sillybuggers. Because as soon as I find one of these bigfeet, I can prove that science is a sham and aliens created the human race. Then I can go down in history as that dickhead who ruined everything.

So let's search!!

Day One: Well above all other things I am fucking lazy. Thus, I decided to search my backyard for bigfoot just in case it was there and I didn't have to go anywhere else on annoyingly long journeys. I had never seen an 8 foot tall hominoid lurking in my small yard ever before but what the fuck, I was still optimistic. So it went out there... and I did find a creature and immediately snapped off a photo. Unfortunately it was a small black cat called Smudge who I was already familiar with. I mean, sure I could show a scientist a picture of my cat and say "here proof that aliens manipulated our DNA"... but then I'd be a laughing stock.

Day Two: Okay so Bigfeet don't have a proclivity to hang around outside my house. But I do have a plan B! My nana's house in Birkenhead is on the borders of LeRoy's bush, a likely haven for hominoid activity!! So I go over there, ignoring the fact that my nana doesn't live there anymore and the people living in their house freaked out that someone was breaking in. Ah well, fuck em. So I pried around in the bush, looking for suspicious footprints. However, the only ones I found had a freaking Nike logo on them. DAMN YOU NIKE. PROBABLY SCARING AWAY BIGFOOT YOU SMARMY MOTHER FUCKERS. MULTINATIONAL CORPORATIONS ARE DESTROYING OUR WORLD. Ahem, excuse me. So I had stayed in this stupid bush all day and all I found were old people out for walks. I thought they may be bigfoot in disguise so I pulled at their wrinkles thinking it was some mask. It wasn't. I'm due in court in September.

Day Three: I went on the bus into town. Looked around central Auckland City. Actually I just went in there to buy metal albums from JB Hi-Fi. I thought, you know, if Bigfoot liked cruising round town, some Auckland city bogan probably would have noticed him by now. But judging by the people who hang around in town, that's probably doubtful. Bottom line, I didn't find bigfoot. Running out of ideas here.

Day Four: Okay the only other place I can think of is the Southern Alps in the South Island. But that is fucking cold. And it probably wouldn't be Bigfoot that I'd find, it'd probably be the Abominable Snowman. Which would be equally science exploding, but still, I don't trust fucking snowmen. Usually they have carrots for noses, and that just freaks me out.

Day Five: Okay it's time to find some EXPERT advice on the matter. Juelles tells me she has a sneaking suspicion that I can find bigfoot hiding in flocks of sheep. Well, she's an expert at looking beautiful and bringing democracy to Iran, not bigfoot, but I'm assuming that's just a technicality. So I get on the bus up to Albany, where the nearest flocks of sheep are hanging out. I immediately spot the flaw in this hypothesis (sorry Juelles!). Sheep tend to be white. Bigfoot are brown. Therefore a big huge brown hominoid amidst a flock of white sheep would be about as conspicuous as coming home to find a sea otter sitting on the couch watching tv. I did find a brown thing in between the sheep but it turned out to be a cow pat. Which I proceeded to step in. But wait?? Am I sure that it's cow pat?? It could be bigfoot droppings. I immediately send my shoe, encaked in shit to the scientific lab for analysis and go home on the bus with one foot looking like a dipshit. All in the name of the genetic tampering aliens people.

Day Six: While I wait for the results I turn to another expert, David Stewart who advises that he has knowledge a bigfoot makes residence on the top of the Auckland Sky Tower. Dave is an expert in Egyptology, so his brand of aliens are the ones who built the pyramids. I assume they are the same as the ones who genetically altered the human race because that is more acceptable according to Occam's Razor. What is not acceptable to Occam's Razor is how FUCKING WRONG Dave turned out to be. Seriously I went up there and the only thing on top of the skytower was some maintenance guys who obviously weren't as petrified of falling to their doom as I was. Now sure, Bigfoot may have donned a harness and mechanic's uniform and taken to repairing tower antennae. And fucking unicorns fly by my window on a regular basis.

Day Seven: Results back from the lab. They saw it's cow shit. Do I believe them? NO. BECAUSE THEY ARE SCIENTISTS. IF THEY ADMITTED HOMINOIDS EXISTED THEY WOULD LOSE THEIR JOBS. I SEE THROUGH YOU, YOU MONKEYS IN LAB COATS. IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE I FIND YOU BIGFOOT.... A MATTER OF TIME!!!!!!

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