Sunday, May 23, 2010

Social Stupidity

Yes, when examined... the features and foundations of our civilised society fall apart like a house of cards. Like an ice house in a firestorm. You get the damn picture. And what way best to point this out than to actually describe to you the nature of these foundations in clear language? Trust me... you'll see what I'm talking about.

1. Money and the Market

We print out a whole bunch of paper rectangles with printings of famous people on them. The higher the number that's inked into the corner of this piece of paper... the better!! We also make a whole crapload of circular metal objects resembling gold and silver but not actually made of gold and silver. If you wish to do anything, you must possess these pieces of paper or circular metal objects. No, you dickhead, you CANNOT make your own pieces of paper with numbers and famous people on them. Why? Well... you just cant. Stop questioning authority. Entire lives can and will be dedicated to gathering as much pieces of paper and round things as possible. If you have a higher pile than anyone else... that makes you better somehow.

Once you have a pile of pieces of printed paper, you can take it to a building and give it to other people. They will take your pieces of paper and convert it to a number on a lit up screen, which you can change with a plastic card. Needless to say, if your screen has a higher number on it then other people... they are forced to bow to your every whim. Largely because they need you to make the numbers on their screens higher. The majority of the population will give up the majority of the time of every day to doing menial tasks that they have no interest in so that their computer screen number gets higher. These are considered sane, normal and mandatory facts of life. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. Now get back to work.

2. Sports (in this instance, soccer)

Two groups of eleven men between the ages of 16 and 40 assemble together on a patch of grass divided into various segments with white paint. Each group is dressed in a different colour and represents a different arbitrarily denoted piece of land. A round object is placed in front of them and each group endeavor to deposit this object into a net that is guarded by a special man. The group of uniformly dressed men between the ages of 16 and 40 who manages to do this the most within the span of 90 minutes is declared superior and awarded a bulky metal object sometimes adorned with streamers. Millions of people's happiness will depend on if the group of men they've never met in person or had anything to do with is successful in navigating the round thing into the net more times. In some cases these eleven men will be made social outcasts if they fail to bring back to their piece of land the bulky metal object with streamers. Millions of people will desire this object even though they will never see it, touch it, or use it to do anything of use whatsoever. Makes sense.

3. National pride / Citizenship

Kinda follows on from #2. The planet is divided into segments of land and each of these given a separate name. The division follows no rules whatsoever, and ends up with some segments being fucking gigantic and others being tiny. You shall not cross from one arbitrarily denoted piece of land to another, otherwise you shall be forced to go back whence you came due to the fact that you came out of your mother's girl parts on one segment of land and not the other. Oh, no boundaries will be actually visible between these segments, they are entirely invisible, except on pieces of paper and spinning globes. You are expected to be loyal to the piece of land that you were fired out of your mother into for no apparent reason and if required, you will be forced by a group of individuals representing your segment to pick up a gun and go somewhere to kill some people from another segment who your segment is not supposed to like. You can and will refer to your useless chunk of Earth as the greatest chunk of Earth ever.

4. The Lottery

Millions of people will each give away one of their printed pieces of paper for an infintessimal chance to take home all the pieces of paper given away by every other person playing the lottery. Nobody will realise that this endeavor is doomed to failure. Everybody will use rationalisations such as "You've got to be in to win" to justify their dwindling amount of paper each week with zero returns. If one week somebody puts in 10 pieces of paper and gets a return of thirty pieces of paper they will be happy in spite of the obvious fact that even though they have received thirty pieces of paper this week, when you tally up all the weeks of playing the lottery they are still down by hundreds of pieces of paper. Hmmm.

5. Relationships/ Marriage

People decide that they enjoy spending time with and being in physical contact with another person. Society dictates they will now engage this person in a deal whereby they arrange to spend time and be in physical contact with each other on a regular basis. A proviso of this arrangement is that neither party shall be in physical contact with other peoples. Why? Well that's never exactly explained. You just do it. After a certain amount of time you are expected to write up a piece of paper to make this arrangement permanent and binding for the rest of your lives. To signify this arrangement, the woman will put on some flowing white clothes and go to a building where people come to pay homage to the eternal source of freedom and truth. Here they will speak some pre-arranged lines none of the people at the ceremony even wrote themselves. Then they will promise to the aforesaid eternal source of freedom that they will spend the rest of their lives not being free. This process guarantees that in the event of anybody changing their minds, the other party will take half of their pieces of paper and collections of objects that they have accumulated since they begun going to places they don't want to be for 8 hours each day. Sounds sensible to me.

Society. It makes SENSE. ;)


  1. Well said my friend. Sad but true. So now the question is, how are you going to change it?

  2. Yes indeed that is the question ;) I am planning on laying out my proposals to fix this fastidious bullshit in part 2.