That's right it is I. Your astrology master. Ready to tell you all what the fates have in store for your worthless insignificant, pimple on the side of the universe lives. That's right, in case you weren't aware, every little aspect of your existence is determined by the movement of the planets and some celestial crapola circling around in the zero point energy field. Some of us have the amazing power of discerning what exactly your fates are by observing the magnetic polarity of Venus in relation to the asteroid belt's momentum or some shit. I am one of those people. Actually I'm far better. Your typical astrologer in your typical bullshit newspaper is VERY unspecific. Largely because their skills are not as ELITE as mine. I have a PhD in cosmic crap. That's right that makes me Dr. Love (sy). Ooohh yeahhh.
When I read people their stars usually their first question is something along the lines of "Can't I change my destiny? Don't I have free will?" So I will answer that question before we even start. No and no. You are a useless water molecule in the water wheel of life. It will rip you out of the sea, spin you round and slam you back where you belong in order to provide 5 seconds of power for someone's fucking lamp shade. So stop asking and accept it.
1. ARIES (March 21 - April 20)
This is my star sign, so basically everyone else who happens to be born between these dates is guilty by association. And hence the fates will lay the celestial smackdown on your life simply because you had the audacity of emerging from the womb too close to me. Basically this year will be a never ending train of misery. You will be busted stealing pens from the bank when you go in there to enquire why you are flat broke. They will sentence you to 8 million hours community service where you have to sponge bath old people all day for the rest of your natural life.
2. TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
You are the bull. Which means naturally that you are full of bull shit. That's not an insult that's just a fact. Basically this year, nobody will believe anything you tell them and you will die alone in your home after you ring someone to tell them you have whooping cough and they don't believe you.
3. GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
Uh oh. It looks like Jupiter has got the shits with you. It's planetary electro magnetic banana scope states that you are NOT going to have fun in relationships this year. If you are female then a man will come into your life who you will fall in love with. Just in time for him to reveal that he's actually a lady boy thus confusing you greatly and sending you into a mental hospital. If you are a male then you will fall in love with a woman who turns out to be an escaped Sasquatch. You wont actually mind so much but angry scientists will, when they murder you to keep sasquatch under wraps to protect their precious evolution theory. Sucks to be you.
4. CANCER (June 21 - July 20)
Well in my last Star Sign Reading I told you that your name was going to come very true and you were actually going to GET cancer. So I'm happy to say 2010/2011 represents a turn for the better. You will go into spontaneous remission and baffle the medical establishment. They will insist that it's not a miracle but then be unable to give you a natural explanation. :P Unfortunately if you were born on June 21 or July 20 you are only a borderline cancer and you will only get borderline remission. Your legs are going to have to go.
5. LEO (July 21 - August 20)
The presence of swamp gas on Uranus means that you are going to have a stinky year. Be prepared for people to reject socialising with you because of your extreme flatulence. For God's sake get yourself under control Leo.
6. VIRGO (August 22 - September 21)
Well well Virgo. It looks like the planets are conspiring together to royally fuck up your life. Seriously Neptune and Pluto REALLY have it in for you. What did you do? Must have been bad. Basically Pluto came to me in a dream last night and laid out the circumstances of what is going to happen to you. Bear with me because this may take a while. If you are married, your husband/wife is going to leave you. Why? Because Neptune has photoshopped some photos of you getting jiggy with some other guy/girl and snuck them into your spouse's wallet. If you are not married then your parents will disown you. Why? Because Pluto has infiltrated their minds and deleted all memories of you. They don't know who you are and why you're in their house. If you are unmarried and don't have parents anymore due to death or dissolution of relationship all your friends are going to hate you by the end of the year. Why? Because Neptune and Pluto have been talking to them behind your back and telling them you said they looked fat in the last outfit they wore. That should do it if they're girls. If they're guys Neptune and Pluto are going to go to them and tell them they'll get to sleep with supermodels if they ditch you. And FINALLY... if you're unmarried, got no parents and have no friends... then Neptune is going to poke you with a stick a couple of times. Well, it's obvious your life is bad enough as it is.
There you have it, part one of our star sign emporium. Stay tuned for part two!!