Okay I'm skipping the intro because you know the drill. Yadda yadda yadda astrology master. Yadda yadda yadda celestial garbage. Blah blah blah I know the future and you don't you're a loser. So let's go.
1. Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Ahhh libra. You are represented by the scales. The popular myth is that the scales represent the divine scales of justice. As usual the popular myth is fucking WRONG. The scales in your case represent the fact that you are a fat, hideously obese slab of lard. Seriously libra, lose some fucking weight. I don't even WANT to tell you your future whilst I actually have to look at you. Seriously, go get liposuction or something. Or better yet, waddle your gelatinous ass out the front door and try to walk down the street. You'll either get some exercise and lose some weight or you'll explode your heart and die. Either one suits me.
You're still here?! Oh dear lord fine I'll read your stinking future. Instead of seeing planets orbiting the sun... I'm seeing planets orbiting YOU.
2. Scorpio (October 23 - Nov 21)
Ahh the scorpion. Well the stars aren't favouring you this year. Basically this is the year that everyone realises what a giant dickknob you are. At the stroke of midnight on September 23rd 2010 the planetary alignment of Mars simultaneously deleted your ability to put on a social mask in front of your friends. You will be forced to be the REAL you. And that's bad news. Because that social mask was like a thin veneer of perfume on a giant mountain of feces. And that giant mountain of feces is the REAL you. After that date your future is much the same as the giant mountain of feces. You will be ripped apart into pieces and strewn across the soil to make grass grow. Only in your case, you'll fail to make anything grow and you'll just end up being ripped apart for nothing.
3. Sagittarius (Nov 22- December 20)
Seriously, Sagittarius. Who do you think you're kidding. You were born in the single most awkward time of year. People thinking of what to buy for Christmas, getting stressed out shopping and feeling the pressure of the budget... and you flop out into the world to be a gigantic annoyance. This year is the year everyone finally gets sick of you and refuses to acknowledge your birthday. Since Sagittarius is known for having low self esteem, this will break your fragile ego and you'll spiral down into an inevitable and low key suicide. Nobody will really care and they will decide to forego the funeral. Because you know that costs money and ITS FUCKING CHRISTMAS.
4. Capricorn (December 21 - January 19)
Things are looking good for all you Capricorns. Since pretty much every other star sign is going down the tubes this year, you're going to pick up the pieces! Unless your life is filled with other Capricorns you will be dealing with a bunch of suicides (Sagittarius), disembowellings (Scorpio), whooping cough deaths (Taurus) and commissions into the mental hospital or murders in the name of science (Gemini). I hope you're equipped for all this, because your ass is about to drowned in a deluge of life insurance forms.
5. Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
It's the aaaage of Aquarius! Aaaaage of Aquarius! Actually fuck the age of Aquarius. That song fucking sucks. But as much as I hate it... it is actually coming up to the Age of Aquarius. And whilst you probably think that's a good thing, the fact that it's the age of Aquarius doesn't actually mean that its going to good for you. But in this case it actually does mean it's going to be good. Fuck. I hate giving good news. As soon as it transitions into the Age of Aquarius you will immediately be granted super powers, immortality and time travel abilities. Seriously I fucking hate you right now.
6. Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
And we have come full circle. And run into the fucking fish. Seriously your star sign is a FISH. How good do you think your future is going to be?? Oh wait, you're a FISH. You have a TINY TINY brain and a 3 second memory span. So it's not surprising you have delusions that your future is going to be good. But even if it is, you're going to forget about it in 3 seconds anyway. So what's the point in telling you what it's going to be? YOU'LL JUST FORGET IT IN 3 SECONDS. I would tell you to go screw yourself... but you'll forget I said it in 3 seconds. DAMN YOU PISCES. DAMN YOU TO ... oh crap you've forgotten.
There... your future is sealed. Don't blame me blame the damn stars.