Monday, May 3, 2010

Scott presents The News... as it really is!

Yes hello everybody and welcome to the blog that is like climbing Mount Everest. Exhausting and largely pointless. I have a question for you. Are you as sick of the fucking news as I am?? Seriously every day and night 24/7 you have CNN (the lesser of the evils), BBC and fucking Faux News spewing fear mongering crap at you, in an attempt to convince you that the world is a dangerous deadly place and you need to coil up inside your home lest those evil terrorists get you. However I am pleased to inform you that I have purchased one hour with which to tell you THE REAL NEWS. What's REALLY going on in the world. So let's fucking get to it.

Segment One

Greetings news watching scum! Tonight marks a change from the usual one hour news bulletin. Tonight we're going to be telling it like it is. And I'm obliged to start by pointing out that the overwhelming majority of the people watching this are gelatinous parasites, sponging off other people's misery. And to all the people out there who think that last statement doesn't apply to you... think again. If the truth upsets you then fuck off. Come back tomorrow night when we will return to subtly attempting to influence your perspective on the world by portraying Muslim countries as evil all the while ignoring everything our own country does, because... well... they own a 51% share in our company. Maybe I've said too much.

In our lead story tonight... today there has been no terrorist activity anywhere whatsoever. That's right, nothing at all. In fact, in the 9 years since 9/11 there's been nothing from the terrorists at all. Oh, apart from those few bombings that killed a few cats and bruised one person's fingers that we attempted to blow out of proportion. And oh yeah... before 9/11 there was a whole lot of nothing too. How about that? But don't forget to be scared to death of the non-existant threat, or else the government wont be able to cavity search everyone going through customs, or pass laws letting them break into your house at will! See you after the break.

Segment Two

Welcome back to the News. Today, all across the country, every child going to school made it there safely, got through a school day without incident and went home to their parents. Also in the news today... Jimbo Bob and his family were involved in a car crash on the way home from a day's work at the lumber yard. Nobody was hurt, and panelbeaters estimate the damage at around 100 bucks, which Jimbo's insurance policy will likely cover without much trouble. Stay tuned for more real news, that gives an accurate picture of what's going on in the world!

Segment Three

Welcome to the Entertainment News segment for tonight. Today breaking news, from sources close to Nicole Kidman and her husband... you know, that country singer guy. Yes ladies and gentlemen, we have the only accurate SCOOP right from the horse's mouth of those closest to the marriage!! Are you ready? Because let me tell ya... it's fucking juicy shit! According to our anonymous source... today... Oh God it's so damn accurate and realistic!! Excuse me... I got carried away there. Anyway... here it is. According to our source... today... Mr and Mrs Kidman experienced no marital issues whatsoever, and both were reported to have a fun time going bowling together. According to the source Nicole Kidman won the bowling game, but this caused no problems or arguments, as being involved in country music has already taught this man how to accept being a complete loser. That's right baby, this is the NEW News. All truth, all the time.

Also, in the interest of transparency and honesty we have to make the following corrections to the gossip we have reported about Hollywood Celebrities over the last 5 years...

*Scrolling list appears on screen. 4 hours later...*

Phew. Yup, that's all of it. Oh wait, excuse me I'm just being told there's one more. Apparently, every time we've ever reported having a source close to the Hollywood Celebrities... it's just been a random guy off the street who we paid to make up some crap. Yup, NOW that's all of it. We'll be right back.

Segment Four

It's time for the sports!! Today in sports... all of fuck all actually happened. I mean, if this was any regular day we'd make up some shit about some players being unhappy with their coach, or try to feed some lies to one team about the team they're playing this week just to piss them off and create some news out of nothing. So instead of all that... we're going to pad time by sending you to 7 minutes of footage of soccer players running laps of the field at training today.

Segment Five

Alright it's time to send it over to our crack meteorological department with their true and accurate weather report for the day!! Here for the report is anonymous blonde weather girl #6. Basically she's only here because she looks good and we get paid based on the fucking ratings. Take it away underqualified weather bitch!

"Gee thanks Scott. Here is your completely accurate and true weather report for the day. Today it rained like a motherfucker. Even though yesterday we told you it wouldn't. Yeah sorry about that. We found that if we tell you it's going to be sunny, it makes it more ,likely for you not to change the chanel. Oh did I say Chanel? I meant Channel. He He He! And if you want to hear the forecast for your area for the coming days... here goes. First... take out a random dartboard, label it's areas with various weather patterns. Then whiff some shit at it, and wherever it sticks... that's what the weather's going to be. To be honest, this method is what we use backstage to predict the weather in the first place. It's as accurate as you're going to get, because this weather prediction stuff is just pseudo scientific bullshit. Actually I'm surprised nobody has figured it out by now. Just goes to show you how fucking dumb all of you viewers really are. And trust me, I'm the authority on dumb. I slept with 4 fat old executives in one night to get this job! Back to you Scott."

Thank you unimportant weather slut. Well that's all the time we have for tonight. We'll leave you with one of those charming little useless bullshit stories that always finish off news hours. Oh actually... no we wont. I'm not going to insult your fucking intelligence by informing you that fucking North Shore Fish Pot fucking cafe has won the annual 'Best Fish and Chips Award'. We'll be back tomorrow night, corrupting your mind, biasing your views, terrifying the living shit out of you and making up shit for ratings. Remember our slogan. We Report. You Decide. No wait... that's our regular slogan. Fuck that. Remember our REAL slogan. We Alter Reality. You are sold complete bullshit as truth.

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