1. The next person who asks me what I'm planning to do with my life gets a fucking bullet in the head. Seriously this old wretch of a woman comes in to my work every week and asks me the same shitting question. NOTHING MUCH HAS CHANGED IN A WEEK YOU USELESS PRYING OLD CRONE. Seriously I've tried everything. I tried sarcasm. One week I said "Well I'm planning on taking a jaunt to Mars". She seemed offended and left. The next week she comes in with that same hideous grin and ASKS ME AGAIN. FUCK!! Look, you need to get some things through your skull. One; I'm a highly intelligent but unmotivated loaf destined to squander his potential because I just dont give a fuck about employment or career success. Two; no matter what the answer is to your question, you're a nosy old bitch and it's my own fucking business. You know, usually ranting like this makes me feel better, but this time it really doesn't. Mainly because I know it's going to happen again EVERY FUCKING FUCK OFF WEEK.
2. The only thing I have to look forward to is a trip to the zoo in November. That's bloody sad. But still, all the same, YAY! ZOO!
3. Has anyone ever thought that giving out a brochure full of a medicine's multiple side effects is a bad idea? I mean, hypochondriac + brochure full of stuff that could go wrong + placebo effect = fucked.
4. I just thought of a perfect test to find out if local psychics are genuine. I'll go up to them and if they give me any other reading except "I see loneliness and ill health in your future" then they're full of shit.
5. The many worlds theory of quantum physics is sure fun to think about. According to this theory, there exists parallel universes right now where I am currently in a relationship with everyone reading this. So why am I in this stupid reality? Because the multiverse likes screwing me over. I mean I could be a billionaire love machine with a private yacht but NO DICE. No yacht either. I couldn't really care less about the dice actually.
6. I'm laughing my ass off at the sheer democracy FAIL taking place in the UK right now. This is the best system humans can come up with?? Fucking fail.
7. You know the other day I spilled coke on the floor. After a while it congealed and stuck to it like glue. Then I realised we actually drink this crap. Basically if you want to keep liking coke, dont picture it as congealed black crap clogging up your insides. Oh shit, sorry. :P
8. I agree with Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg. We need proportional representation. 100% me in control.
9. WE CARRY OUR FEAR INSIDE THE SPACE THAT HOLDS THE DARKNESS
WE STRETCH OUR SKIN AROUND, TO COVER THE ABYSS!!!
Okay I should not listen to death metal whilst coming up with random thoughts.
10. Whenever the aliens wanna come for me... I'm ready. This planet sucks.
11. Okay you need to tell me something. Am I the only one who, when listening to a really awesome song, I imagine myself performing it on stage, pretending that I wrote the music and lyrics??
12. Would you rather be a house pet to a race of super intelligent aliens or ruler of this world full of dumbasses? Personally I think I'll take the house pet role.
13. LIKE DEMONS OF THE LOST
STILL WRAPPED IN OUR OWN CONFUSION
THE CALL OF THE ABYSS!
Oh shit I did it again, sorry.
14. When you do your rock star routine in the mirror, what do you use for the microphone, your hair brush or the remote? I'm a remote guy myself.
15. If I dropped a bomb on your average shopping mall... how many people inside do you think society would actually miss? I'm guessing 3.
16. Those 3 would be the 3 people browsing 'Electronics Boutique'.
17. Why the hell does our stupid society conduct relationships so fucking backwards? Think about this for a second. I want you to think of your closest friends. You love them unconditionally, you know pretty much that they're going to be in your life forever, and that it would take a monumental act for that ever to change. And they dont get jealous if you have this same relationship with other friends. Now think of traditional relationships, the so called 'higher state of love'. At any moment they could fall apart for the most trivial reasons, they are characterised by game playing, uncertainty, fear and hiding of emotions. The chances of them lasting as long as your best friendship is practically nil. And there is a fucking implicit code of fucking fuck knuckle conduct that those therein are supposed to adhere to! Act this way. Don't act that way. Say this. Do that. Who the fuck came up with this bullshit? Why do we conduct our relationships in such a batshit insane way, when the model for how to love someone is right there in our friendships! Fuck this drives me nuts. Anyone who actually disagrees with this, I'd love to hear why. Largely because I know your argument is going to suck and fall apart and I want to see you embarrass yourself.
18. That's right I'm a fucking iconoclast.
19. A fucking iconoclast who is likely to die alone. :P
20. And you know the last thing? That orange special sauce in the Big Macs still piss me off.