Sunday, May 30, 2010

Scott read your Star Signs for 2010/2011 PART TWO!

Okay I'm skipping the intro because you know the drill. Yadda yadda yadda astrology master. Yadda yadda yadda celestial garbage. Blah blah blah I know the future and you don't you're a loser. So let's go.

1. Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Ahhh libra. You are represented by the scales. The popular myth is that the scales represent the divine scales of justice. As usual the popular myth is fucking WRONG. The scales in your case represent the fact that you are a fat, hideously obese slab of lard. Seriously libra, lose some fucking weight. I don't even WANT to tell you your future whilst I actually have to look at you. Seriously, go get liposuction or something. Or better yet, waddle your gelatinous ass out the front door and try to walk down the street. You'll either get some exercise and lose some weight or you'll explode your heart and die. Either one suits me.


You're still here?! Oh dear lord fine I'll read your stinking future. Instead of seeing planets orbiting the sun... I'm seeing planets orbiting YOU.

2. Scorpio (October 23 - Nov 21)

Ahh the scorpion. Well the stars aren't favouring you this year. Basically this is the year that everyone realises what a giant dickknob you are. At the stroke of midnight on September 23rd 2010 the planetary alignment of Mars simultaneously deleted your ability to put on a social mask in front of your friends. You will be forced to be the REAL you. And that's bad news. Because that social mask was like a thin veneer of perfume on a giant mountain of feces. And that giant mountain of feces is the REAL you. After that date your future is much the same as the giant mountain of feces. You will be ripped apart into pieces and strewn across the soil to make grass grow. Only in your case, you'll fail to make anything grow and you'll just end up being ripped apart for nothing.

3. Sagittarius (Nov 22- December 20)

Seriously, Sagittarius. Who do you think you're kidding. You were born in the single most awkward time of year. People thinking of what to buy for Christmas, getting stressed out shopping and feeling the pressure of the budget... and you flop out into the world to be a gigantic annoyance. This year is the year everyone finally gets sick of you and refuses to acknowledge your birthday. Since Sagittarius is known for having low self esteem, this will break your fragile ego and you'll spiral down into an inevitable and low key suicide. Nobody will really care and they will decide to forego the funeral. Because you know that costs money and ITS FUCKING CHRISTMAS.

4. Capricorn (December 21 - January 19)

Things are looking good for all you Capricorns. Since pretty much every other star sign is going down the tubes this year, you're going to pick up the pieces! Unless your life is filled with other Capricorns you will be dealing with a bunch of suicides (Sagittarius), disembowellings (Scorpio), whooping cough deaths (Taurus) and commissions into the mental hospital or murders in the name of science (Gemini). I hope you're equipped for all this, because your ass is about to drowned in a deluge of life insurance forms.

5. Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

It's the aaaage of Aquarius! Aaaaage of Aquarius! Actually fuck the age of Aquarius. That song fucking sucks. But as much as I hate it... it is actually coming up to the Age of Aquarius. And whilst you probably think that's a good thing, the fact that it's the age of Aquarius doesn't actually mean that its going to good for you. But in this case it actually does mean it's going to be good. Fuck. I hate giving good news. As soon as it transitions into the Age of Aquarius you will immediately be granted super powers, immortality and time travel abilities. Seriously I fucking hate you right now.

6. Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

And we have come full circle. And run into the fucking fish. Seriously your star sign is a FISH. How good do you think your future is going to be?? Oh wait, you're a FISH. You have a TINY TINY brain and a 3 second memory span. So it's not surprising you have delusions that your future is going to be good. But even if it is, you're going to forget about it in 3 seconds anyway. So what's the point in telling you what it's going to be? YOU'LL JUST FORGET IT IN 3 SECONDS. I would tell you to go screw yourself... but you'll forget I said it in 3 seconds. DAMN YOU PISCES. DAMN YOU TO ... oh crap you've forgotten.

There... your future is sealed. Don't blame me blame the damn stars.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Scott Reads YOUR STAR SIGNS for 2010/2011 (Part One)

That's right it is I. Your astrology master. Ready to tell you all what the fates have in store for your worthless insignificant, pimple on the side of the universe lives. That's right, in case you weren't aware, every little aspect of your existence is determined by the movement of the planets and some celestial crapola circling around in the zero point energy field. Some of us have the amazing power of discerning what exactly your fates are by observing the magnetic polarity of Venus in relation to the asteroid belt's momentum or some shit. I am one of those people. Actually I'm far better. Your typical astrologer in your typical bullshit newspaper is VERY unspecific. Largely because their skills are not as ELITE as mine. I have a PhD in cosmic crap. That's right that makes me Dr. Love (sy). Ooohh yeahhh.

When I read people their stars usually their first question is something along the lines of "Can't I change my destiny? Don't I have free will?" So I will answer that question before we even start. No and no. You are a useless water molecule in the water wheel of life. It will rip you out of the sea, spin you round and slam you back where you belong in order to provide 5 seconds of power for someone's fucking lamp shade. So stop asking and accept it.

1. ARIES (March 21 - April 20)

This is my star sign, so basically everyone else who happens to be born between these dates is guilty by association. And hence the fates will lay the celestial smackdown on your life simply because you had the audacity of emerging from the womb too close to me. Basically this year will be a never ending train of misery. You will be busted stealing pens from the bank when you go in there to enquire why you are flat broke. They will sentence you to 8 million hours community service where you have to sponge bath old people all day for the rest of your natural life.

2. TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)

You are the bull. Which means naturally that you are full of bull shit. That's not an insult that's just a fact. Basically this year, nobody will believe anything you tell them and you will die alone in your home after you ring someone to tell them you have whooping cough and they don't believe you.

3. GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)

Uh oh. It looks like Jupiter has got the shits with you. It's planetary electro magnetic banana scope states that you are NOT going to have fun in relationships this year. If you are female then a man will come into your life who you will fall in love with. Just in time for him to reveal that he's actually a lady boy thus confusing you greatly and sending you into a mental hospital. If you are a male then you will fall in love with a woman who turns out to be an escaped Sasquatch. You wont actually mind so much but angry scientists will, when they murder you to keep sasquatch under wraps to protect their precious evolution theory. Sucks to be you.

4. CANCER (June 21 - July 20)

Well in my last Star Sign Reading I told you that your name was going to come very true and you were actually going to GET cancer. So I'm happy to say 2010/2011 represents a turn for the better. You will go into spontaneous remission and baffle the medical establishment. They will insist that it's not a miracle but then be unable to give you a natural explanation. :P Unfortunately if you were born on June 21 or July 20 you are only a borderline cancer and you will only get borderline remission. Your legs are going to have to go.

5. LEO (July 21 - August 20)

The presence of swamp gas on Uranus means that you are going to have a stinky year. Be prepared for people to reject socialising with you because of your extreme flatulence. For God's sake get yourself under control Leo.

6. VIRGO (August 22 - September 21)

Well well Virgo. It looks like the planets are conspiring together to royally fuck up your life. Seriously Neptune and Pluto REALLY have it in for you. What did you do? Must have been bad. Basically Pluto came to me in a dream last night and laid out the circumstances of what is going to happen to you. Bear with me because this may take a while. If you are married, your husband/wife is going to leave you. Why? Because Neptune has photoshopped some photos of you getting jiggy with some other guy/girl and snuck them into your spouse's wallet. If you are not married then your parents will disown you. Why? Because Pluto has infiltrated their minds and deleted all memories of you. They don't know who you are and why you're in their house. If you are unmarried and don't have parents anymore due to death or dissolution of relationship all your friends are going to hate you by the end of the year. Why? Because Neptune and Pluto have been talking to them behind your back and telling them you said they looked fat in the last outfit they wore. That should do it if they're girls. If they're guys Neptune and Pluto are going to go to them and tell them they'll get to sleep with supermodels if they ditch you. And FINALLY... if you're unmarried, got no parents and have no friends... then Neptune is going to poke you with a stick a couple of times. Well, it's obvious your life is bad enough as it is.

There you have it, part one of our star sign emporium. Stay tuned for part two!!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Epic Fail

It occurs to me that if I were to ever make a dating profile... I wouldn't attract ANYONE.

See take a look at this:

Name: Scott Lovesy
Age: 24
Star Sign: Aries
Likes: Metal, Philosophizing, Quantum Mechanics, English, Writing, Spirituality, Making fun of stupid people, Directness, Musing
Dislikes: Civilised society, Collections of more than 10 people, Dishonesty, Emotional Game Playing, Pop music, Twilight, Harry Potter, Bad spelling and grammar
Career Goals: None.

I think that kind of rules me out of the dating scene for life :P

One more week

In one more week I will be done with my Honours degree in English. Will it get me anywhere? No. But that's no reason not to go back and get Masters ;)

Monday, May 24, 2010

Social Stupidity Part 2 - Change You Can Believe In

Alright so now that we see how bafflingly pointless the things we take for granted in our lives everyday really are... where do we go with this? Well I propose that you all follow my lead, tell your friends and family and we all start a movement to usurp the entirety of organised society. Here are my proposed solutions for each category of stupidity that I outlined in Part One.

1. Money and The Market

Well the obvious thing to say would be to demolish the market, wipe out the worldwide stock exchange and abolish all forms of monetary currency. Back in the old days, when people wanted things, they traded things they had that the other party wanted for it. OR they performed services for the person in exchange for the good or service they required. It seems to be that adding money into the equation just adds an unnecessary step in this previously established process and complicates things needlessly. So one proposal is to simply go back to this.

Another would be to abolish the notion of personal ownership of goods, or at least redistribute unused possessions. For example... why on Earth does each house need its own washing machine? You could easily get 5 of your neighbors together and share one washing machine between them, on a fixed schedule basis. That way you can give the other 4 washing machines to households and places that don't have them. There's shitloads of other things that this same thing could be accomplished with. All service institutions from hospitals to hairdressing becomes free, with people working in these areas based on their own skill/passion/desire to do so. To avoid societal slackness there shall be a central record kept of working peoples, and those not working who are not mentally or physically disabled or aged are denied access to aforesaid institutions. Whatever you do as a job must have some sort of benefit to society, and should be based on ability/desire, be it bricklaying, teaching, writing, painting, music, hairdressing, healthcare, charity work whatever. To all the people crying 'EEK SOCIALISM', I reply with a simple 'EEK CAPITALISM'.

2. Sports (in this case, soccer)

I am not proposing the abolishing of sports. They are fun, they don't hurt anybody and they provide entertainment for a great number of people (including me). However, what I am proposing is that there should be no case EVER where someone who plays a game is getting paid more than a teacher or a doctor. Of course if there's no money anymore this is a moot point. People should not have to pay or trade anything to be allowed access to watch sports live. If there is overwhelming demand for tickets to certain games, people can apply to a centralised ballot system, where the seats are allocated randomly. People who miss out get priority for the next game they wish to attend to keep things fair.

3. National Pride / Citizenship

To solve this problem I draw your attention to the example of the United States. Yes, I know, I bet you didn't expect that one. But think about it. Prior to the establishing of the US, each separate state was governed separately, had different rules and often conflicted and went to war with other states. Then they were incorporated into different segments of the same overall entity. They still had separate administration and differing practises and institutions BUT they were crucially now a part of a greater whole. Ever since then... have you ever heard of Chicago going to war with Texas? Or Oklahoma going to war with Kentucky? NO. So simply incorporate the countries into a disparate aspects of a unified whole which would obviously be the Planet Earth. Thus, each person would be a citizen of Earth first, and a localised inhabitant of a certain place SECOND. Sign a treaty whereby any nation state acting outside the newfound but general World Charter of the Conduct of Human Affairs will be policed by a centralised police force that is not controlled by any one country but is allocated to blocks of 20 countries on a 2 year rotational basis.

4. The Lottery

Well here's an easy one. GET RID OF THE FUCKING LOTTERY. Instead I have a heart warming replacement. Everyone who wishes to contribute to the New Charity Lottery can donate goods, clothes, books, CDs, household goods, whatever they want to a weekly collection. Every week a draw will take place where a worthy charity is drawn out and the donated goods are divided proportionally among the 'winning' charities. Charities can apply for the Lottery and then people when donating their goods can vote on which charities should be admitted to the Lottery. I can see people disagreeing with my first 3... but I can't see anyone disagreeing with the premise of this one.

5. Relationships / Marriage

This one wont be an easy fix. The current generation are conditioned to the batshit structure of relationships and marriage as it now stands. People must get over the notion that the one you love showing affection for other people is somehow a slight on them. The solution to this is a comprehensive social learning platform for both adults and children. From birth children can be shown that a: It's okay to have love for more than one person, b: It's important to conduct relationships with honesty and zero emotional game playing and abuse, c: There isn't anything wrong with exclusive relationships, but it is necessary to declare explicitly your desire for one and then give the other party the choice of whether to agree or not. Thus, the usual exclusive relationship is no longer the archetype but is a mutually agreed upon choice that two parties make. and d: The human body is not something to be ashamed of and we need to get over our sexual demonisation. It may take a generation or two... but it would be ultimately worth it.

Marriage is an easy fix. Leave marriage as an option, but base it on FREEDOM instead of RESTRICTION. How obvious is this? Promising to love each other forever is beautiful and is to be encouraged. Promising to abide by a code of conduct and behaviour based on restriction and financial and emotional entrapment? Not so much. Promising to have love and respect for each other and their freedom forevermore I firmly believe is doable. The other one is unreasonable and cant be expected of anyone. So by all means keep the ceremonies and the purity of love. But get rid of the fucking red tape.

So there you go. Are these perfect? No. Are these even good? Well that's up to you. But I would be a hypocrite to simply state how shit things are without proposing alternatives. So let's march people... it's revolution time ;)

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Social Stupidity

Yes, when examined... the features and foundations of our civilised society fall apart like a house of cards. Like an ice house in a firestorm. You get the damn picture. And what way best to point this out than to actually describe to you the nature of these foundations in clear language? Trust me... you'll see what I'm talking about.

1. Money and the Market

We print out a whole bunch of paper rectangles with printings of famous people on them. The higher the number that's inked into the corner of this piece of paper... the better!! We also make a whole crapload of circular metal objects resembling gold and silver but not actually made of gold and silver. If you wish to do anything, you must possess these pieces of paper or circular metal objects. No, you dickhead, you CANNOT make your own pieces of paper with numbers and famous people on them. Why? Well... you just cant. Stop questioning authority. Entire lives can and will be dedicated to gathering as much pieces of paper and round things as possible. If you have a higher pile than anyone else... that makes you better somehow.

Once you have a pile of pieces of printed paper, you can take it to a building and give it to other people. They will take your pieces of paper and convert it to a number on a lit up screen, which you can change with a plastic card. Needless to say, if your screen has a higher number on it then other people... they are forced to bow to your every whim. Largely because they need you to make the numbers on their screens higher. The majority of the population will give up the majority of the time of every day to doing menial tasks that they have no interest in so that their computer screen number gets higher. These are considered sane, normal and mandatory facts of life. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. Now get back to work.

2. Sports (in this instance, soccer)

Two groups of eleven men between the ages of 16 and 40 assemble together on a patch of grass divided into various segments with white paint. Each group is dressed in a different colour and represents a different arbitrarily denoted piece of land. A round object is placed in front of them and each group endeavor to deposit this object into a net that is guarded by a special man. The group of uniformly dressed men between the ages of 16 and 40 who manages to do this the most within the span of 90 minutes is declared superior and awarded a bulky metal object sometimes adorned with streamers. Millions of people's happiness will depend on if the group of men they've never met in person or had anything to do with is successful in navigating the round thing into the net more times. In some cases these eleven men will be made social outcasts if they fail to bring back to their piece of land the bulky metal object with streamers. Millions of people will desire this object even though they will never see it, touch it, or use it to do anything of use whatsoever. Makes sense.

3. National pride / Citizenship

Kinda follows on from #2. The planet is divided into segments of land and each of these given a separate name. The division follows no rules whatsoever, and ends up with some segments being fucking gigantic and others being tiny. You shall not cross from one arbitrarily denoted piece of land to another, otherwise you shall be forced to go back whence you came due to the fact that you came out of your mother's girl parts on one segment of land and not the other. Oh, no boundaries will be actually visible between these segments, they are entirely invisible, except on pieces of paper and spinning globes. You are expected to be loyal to the piece of land that you were fired out of your mother into for no apparent reason and if required, you will be forced by a group of individuals representing your segment to pick up a gun and go somewhere to kill some people from another segment who your segment is not supposed to like. You can and will refer to your useless chunk of Earth as the greatest chunk of Earth ever.

4. The Lottery

Millions of people will each give away one of their printed pieces of paper for an infintessimal chance to take home all the pieces of paper given away by every other person playing the lottery. Nobody will realise that this endeavor is doomed to failure. Everybody will use rationalisations such as "You've got to be in to win" to justify their dwindling amount of paper each week with zero returns. If one week somebody puts in 10 pieces of paper and gets a return of thirty pieces of paper they will be happy in spite of the obvious fact that even though they have received thirty pieces of paper this week, when you tally up all the weeks of playing the lottery they are still down by hundreds of pieces of paper. Hmmm.

5. Relationships/ Marriage

People decide that they enjoy spending time with and being in physical contact with another person. Society dictates they will now engage this person in a deal whereby they arrange to spend time and be in physical contact with each other on a regular basis. A proviso of this arrangement is that neither party shall be in physical contact with other peoples. Why? Well that's never exactly explained. You just do it. After a certain amount of time you are expected to write up a piece of paper to make this arrangement permanent and binding for the rest of your lives. To signify this arrangement, the woman will put on some flowing white clothes and go to a building where people come to pay homage to the eternal source of freedom and truth. Here they will speak some pre-arranged lines none of the people at the ceremony even wrote themselves. Then they will promise to the aforesaid eternal source of freedom that they will spend the rest of their lives not being free. This process guarantees that in the event of anybody changing their minds, the other party will take half of their pieces of paper and collections of objects that they have accumulated since they begun going to places they don't want to be for 8 hours each day. Sounds sensible to me.

Society. It makes SENSE. ;)

Stay Tuned

Stay tuned. Buckle your fucking seatbelts and fold up your fuck knuckle tray tables. For soon, I shall describe common social institutions in a way that will make you question the sanity of the human race.

Saturday, May 22, 2010


Everything we conceive of as beautiful is paradoxical. Love continually hovers on the precipice of pleasure and pain. Sunsets stand on the threshold between the day and the night. Life itself is a shifting miasma of destruction and reincarnation that leaves 'you' balanced on the pinpoint of every given moment.

Get rid of the expectations and the paradoxes may resolve. I'm trying. It is hard.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Life's 3 Simple Requests

Excuse me for going slightly Zen with this post. ;)

In life, I do not ask the world and those around me for material possessions or career success. I do not ask them to treat me a certain way, or to repay things I have said or done in any way, shape or form. I only ask them three things.

Firstly, I ask for their understanding. If you grant me this, you shall be one of my beloved ones and I will give you my love unconditional.

If you cannot or will not give me this then I ask for your acceptance. If you grant me this, you shall be my friend and confidant, and I will give you my love and respect.

If you cannot or will not grant me either of these wishes, then I ask to be quietly left be. If you grant me this, you shall be a stranger to me and I will give you my respect.

If you will not grant me any of the above, then I shall quietly leave you alone, and grant you the courtesy you have not granted me. I will hope that you will see, and follow suit.

I cannot and will not ask for anything more.

Friday, May 14, 2010

The Pointlessness of it All

I have an interesting anecdote to share.

There was a man who lived on a tropical island. He was a laid back sorta guy. He spent his day fishing for 3 hours then relaxing in the sun, and at night he'd go and socialise with friends. One day a man visiting the island observed him relaxing and said:
"You know, you should spent 6 hours a day fishing instead of 3. Then you would catch more fish. Eventually you could expand and get another boat, and hire someone else to fish as well".
"Then what would I do?" the man asked.
"Well then you could eventually over time build up a flotilla of fishing vessels, each bringing in fish. Eventually with enough time and effort, you could become a millionaire."
"Then what would I do?" the man asked.
"Well then you could retire and spend your time relaxing in the sun and socialising with friends".

There you go people. Kinda puts our epic society fail in perspective. Keep that in mind next time you see an unemployed person mooching off the system and doing nothing. He's officially 20-30 years ahead of your stupid ass.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Scott Answers the Questions Posed by Pop Lyrics

Ohh boy this is going to be fun. Here is my problem in a nutshell. When I listen to my music, with it's deep introspection, social commentary and philosophical musing I am always blown away that when the lyrics utilise rhetorical questions they really drill down on important matters and make you think. Like Dark Tranquillity's excellent "In the life that hides behind us, what are we, the fuel or the flame?" That drills down on some meaningful shit right there.

And then I turn on the radio. And after five minutes of diluted crap shoved down my earholes I feel my own IQ threatening to slice itself in half at any given moment. Pretty much anytime you hear a question posed by pop lyrics, it is as meaningless as that geometry and fractions bullshit you got taught in school. So what I'm doing here is actually giving the ANSWER to these inquisitive banalities. Because like any sane person, I'm assuming that when a question is answered IT WILL FUCKING STOP BEING ASKED. Then they can take all this crap out of the radio and maybe modern society will then have a chance of not blowing up the world with nuclear weapons just to escape the horror.

THE QUESTION: "Dontcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?"

THE ANSWER: No actually I would wish my girlfriend had a basic knowledge of the English language far before I wished she was anything like you. In fact, just by using the word 'dontcha' I can see that a relationship with you would likely involve me doing every little fucking thing that requires an IQ above 12. I would be tying your shoes for you. I would be feeding you your mush with a spoon every night after draping you in a bib to protect you from the food slosh that will inevitably result from your brain's poorly developed motor functions malfunctioning. When we went to the movies I would be answering your braindead questions every thirty seconds about the basic plot and roles of the characters. So that rules out me watching The Matrix with you.

You: What's goin' on...? Me not understandee?
Me: Well you see The Matrix represents the boundaries of our societal imprisonment that keep us from questioning the reality behind things. What the makers of the movie are trying to say is that our world is like The Matrix. The laws, rules and codes of conduct are like the Agents, keeping us in blissful ignorance of the truth.
You: Oh look! A squid robot! Coooool!

So to sum up... I don't wish my girlfriend was like you. Because any hotness you may or may not possess is immediately negated by your lack of ability to function beyond the level of a fucking 3 year old. And before you ask, no I don't wish my girlfriend was a freak like you either. I don't want my girlfriend to be so much of a freak that she thinks naming her all girl group The Pussycat Dolls is even slightly a good idea. So let me get this straight... you are marketing yourself as inanimate pussies that people play with and put back on the shelf. Couldn't have said it better myself.

QUESTION: Why do fools fall in love?

THE ANSWER: First I shall look up the dictionary definition of fool. 'Someone possessing extremely low intelligence and social acumen'. Okay. Well, fools fall in love because they likely mistake the dog licking their faces for a romantic relationship. Either that, or you think the nurse who straps you ever so snugly into your straight jacket in your padded room is coming on to you. You probably also thinks those round red things she makes you swallow are love tablets. Really now, the answer to this one is fairly self explanatory, why were you asking again??

QUESTION: Where is the love?

THE ANSWER: Wait what? Where is 'the love'? Well scientific and spiritual opinion on this matter has differed over time. The societal convention is to say that 'the love' can be found in the heart. Hence the terms "showing some heart" and the traditional heart symbol on Valentine's Day cards. Practitioners of meditation and Eastern spiritual traditions would agree with this location, due to the heart being the body's greatest bio electrical generator of the body, rippling it's energy field further than any of the other chakra locations. Materialistic scientists would answer that 'the love' is located in the brain, amidst neurons firing and chemicals being released into synapses. Western religious traditions would maintain that the location of love is in the soul, which is drawn from a being of pure love, God, Jesus Christ or the Prophet Mohammed. Perhaps we should also mention the schizophrenic people who believe that the love can be found on the satellites beaming signals into their head from the CIA. So there you have it. The love is either in the head, in the heart, in the soul, or at CIA headquarters.

QUESTION: Why you sleepin' with your eyes closed?

THE ANSWER: Oh fuck me. Are you fucking serious? Let me guess, you are the type of person who goes to NFL games in the States dressed up as fucking Iron Man or some shit. So that everyone watching will say "Hey look at that fuckwit! He spent time making an Iron Man costume when he could have been contributing to the economy. What a parasite on society! Maybe we should forget about the Mexicans in Arizona and deport this slack jawed piece of excrement!". Honestly there is only one explanation for a person observing someone sleeping and then having to ask "Gee, why is this person sleeping with their eyes closed?". It involves six generations of incest. Just to humor you Mr Jimbo Bob McGee I'll answer your question. Because it's physiologically rather difficult to sleep with constant visual stimulation pounding your wide open eyeballs. Now fuck off.

QUESTION: What you gonna do with all that junk in your trunk?

THE ANSWER: Well probably I'm going to either take it to the rubbish collection facility or store it under my house to wait for the next inorganic rubbish collection. I mean that just seems like the smart thing to do. I mean sure, I could try and make use of it I suppose, but the fact that you have labelled it 'junk' sort of infers its uselessness in terms of practical application in my life. So yeah, I'm sticking with taking it to the rubbish tip. My question in response is why in the music video when you're asking this question is there a whole heap of gyrating scantily clad women? Wouldn't it be more apropos to show a vision of some scrap metal in the back of your car?

Well, there you have it. Now if I ever hear these questions again, I'm going to think about reporting you to the government. Because there's got to be a law against asking the same redundant questions ad fucking nauseum.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Random Thoughts Part Three

1. The next person who asks me what I'm planning to do with my life gets a fucking bullet in the head. Seriously this old wretch of a woman comes in to my work every week and asks me the same shitting question. NOTHING MUCH HAS CHANGED IN A WEEK YOU USELESS PRYING OLD CRONE. Seriously I've tried everything. I tried sarcasm. One week I said "Well I'm planning on taking a jaunt to Mars". She seemed offended and left. The next week she comes in with that same hideous grin and ASKS ME AGAIN. FUCK!! Look, you need to get some things through your skull. One; I'm a highly intelligent but unmotivated loaf destined to squander his potential because I just dont give a fuck about employment or career success. Two; no matter what the answer is to your question, you're a nosy old bitch and it's my own fucking business. You know, usually ranting like this makes me feel better, but this time it really doesn't. Mainly because I know it's going to happen again EVERY FUCKING FUCK OFF WEEK.
2. The only thing I have to look forward to is a trip to the zoo in November. That's bloody sad. But still, all the same, YAY! ZOO!
3. Has anyone ever thought that giving out a brochure full of a medicine's multiple side effects is a bad idea? I mean, hypochondriac + brochure full of stuff that could go wrong + placebo effect = fucked.
4. I just thought of a perfect test to find out if local psychics are genuine. I'll go up to them and if they give me any other reading except "I see loneliness and ill health in your future" then they're full of shit.
5. The many worlds theory of quantum physics is sure fun to think about. According to this theory, there exists parallel universes right now where I am currently in a relationship with everyone reading this. So why am I in this stupid reality? Because the multiverse likes screwing me over. I mean I could be a billionaire love machine with a private yacht but NO DICE. No yacht either. I couldn't really care less about the dice actually.
6. I'm laughing my ass off at the sheer democracy FAIL taking place in the UK right now. This is the best system humans can come up with?? Fucking fail.
7. You know the other day I spilled coke on the floor. After a while it congealed and stuck to it like glue. Then I realised we actually drink this crap. Basically if you want to keep liking coke, dont picture it as congealed black crap clogging up your insides. Oh shit, sorry. :P
8. I agree with Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg. We need proportional representation. 100% me in control.
Okay I should not listen to death metal whilst coming up with random thoughts.
10. Whenever the aliens wanna come for me... I'm ready. This planet sucks.
11. Okay you need to tell me something. Am I the only one who, when listening to a really awesome song, I imagine myself performing it on stage, pretending that I wrote the music and lyrics??
12. Would you rather be a house pet to a race of super intelligent aliens or ruler of this world full of dumbasses? Personally I think I'll take the house pet role.
Oh shit I did it again, sorry.
14. When you do your rock star routine in the mirror, what do you use for the microphone, your hair brush or the remote? I'm a remote guy myself.
15. If I dropped a bomb on your average shopping mall... how many people inside do you think society would actually miss? I'm guessing 3.
16. Those 3 would be the 3 people browsing 'Electronics Boutique'.
17. Why the hell does our stupid society conduct relationships so fucking backwards? Think about this for a second. I want you to think of your closest friends. You love them unconditionally, you know pretty much that they're going to be in your life forever, and that it would take a monumental act for that ever to change. And they dont get jealous if you have this same relationship with other friends. Now think of traditional relationships, the so called 'higher state of love'. At any moment they could fall apart for the most trivial reasons, they are characterised by game playing, uncertainty, fear and hiding of emotions. The chances of them lasting as long as your best friendship is practically nil. And there is a fucking implicit code of fucking fuck knuckle conduct that those therein are supposed to adhere to! Act this way. Don't act that way. Say this. Do that. Who the fuck came up with this bullshit? Why do we conduct our relationships in such a batshit insane way, when the model for how to love someone is right there in our friendships! Fuck this drives me nuts. Anyone who actually disagrees with this, I'd love to hear why. Largely because I know your argument is going to suck and fall apart and I want to see you embarrass yourself.
18. That's right I'm a fucking iconoclast.
19. A fucking iconoclast who is likely to die alone. :P
20. And you know the last thing? That orange special sauce in the Big Macs still piss me off.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

My Book Download

Anyone interested in reading my first book that I wrote between 3-5 years ago; here is a link to download a full copy in pdf form.

It is part one of two, and unlike most of the other stuff on this blog... it's mostly a serious novel. Yeah I know right? Why bother? :P
"Her hair I would long to
Adorn with glowing stars
Her brow with shining sun
In silver I would
Trace the moonshine of her grace
The shining one"

Just something I wrote to include in my third book I'm working on now. I think it'll turn out pretty good like the first two and not be read by anyone ;)

Monday, May 3, 2010

Scott presents The News... as it really is!

Yes hello everybody and welcome to the blog that is like climbing Mount Everest. Exhausting and largely pointless. I have a question for you. Are you as sick of the fucking news as I am?? Seriously every day and night 24/7 you have CNN (the lesser of the evils), BBC and fucking Faux News spewing fear mongering crap at you, in an attempt to convince you that the world is a dangerous deadly place and you need to coil up inside your home lest those evil terrorists get you. However I am pleased to inform you that I have purchased one hour with which to tell you THE REAL NEWS. What's REALLY going on in the world. So let's fucking get to it.

Segment One

Greetings news watching scum! Tonight marks a change from the usual one hour news bulletin. Tonight we're going to be telling it like it is. And I'm obliged to start by pointing out that the overwhelming majority of the people watching this are gelatinous parasites, sponging off other people's misery. And to all the people out there who think that last statement doesn't apply to you... think again. If the truth upsets you then fuck off. Come back tomorrow night when we will return to subtly attempting to influence your perspective on the world by portraying Muslim countries as evil all the while ignoring everything our own country does, because... well... they own a 51% share in our company. Maybe I've said too much.

In our lead story tonight... today there has been no terrorist activity anywhere whatsoever. That's right, nothing at all. In fact, in the 9 years since 9/11 there's been nothing from the terrorists at all. Oh, apart from those few bombings that killed a few cats and bruised one person's fingers that we attempted to blow out of proportion. And oh yeah... before 9/11 there was a whole lot of nothing too. How about that? But don't forget to be scared to death of the non-existant threat, or else the government wont be able to cavity search everyone going through customs, or pass laws letting them break into your house at will! See you after the break.

Segment Two

Welcome back to the News. Today, all across the country, every child going to school made it there safely, got through a school day without incident and went home to their parents. Also in the news today... Jimbo Bob and his family were involved in a car crash on the way home from a day's work at the lumber yard. Nobody was hurt, and panelbeaters estimate the damage at around 100 bucks, which Jimbo's insurance policy will likely cover without much trouble. Stay tuned for more real news, that gives an accurate picture of what's going on in the world!

Segment Three

Welcome to the Entertainment News segment for tonight. Today breaking news, from sources close to Nicole Kidman and her husband... you know, that country singer guy. Yes ladies and gentlemen, we have the only accurate SCOOP right from the horse's mouth of those closest to the marriage!! Are you ready? Because let me tell ya... it's fucking juicy shit! According to our anonymous source... today... Oh God it's so damn accurate and realistic!! Excuse me... I got carried away there. Anyway... here it is. According to our source... today... Mr and Mrs Kidman experienced no marital issues whatsoever, and both were reported to have a fun time going bowling together. According to the source Nicole Kidman won the bowling game, but this caused no problems or arguments, as being involved in country music has already taught this man how to accept being a complete loser. That's right baby, this is the NEW News. All truth, all the time.

Also, in the interest of transparency and honesty we have to make the following corrections to the gossip we have reported about Hollywood Celebrities over the last 5 years...

*Scrolling list appears on screen. 4 hours later...*

Phew. Yup, that's all of it. Oh wait, excuse me I'm just being told there's one more. Apparently, every time we've ever reported having a source close to the Hollywood Celebrities... it's just been a random guy off the street who we paid to make up some crap. Yup, NOW that's all of it. We'll be right back.

Segment Four

It's time for the sports!! Today in sports... all of fuck all actually happened. I mean, if this was any regular day we'd make up some shit about some players being unhappy with their coach, or try to feed some lies to one team about the team they're playing this week just to piss them off and create some news out of nothing. So instead of all that... we're going to pad time by sending you to 7 minutes of footage of soccer players running laps of the field at training today.

Segment Five

Alright it's time to send it over to our crack meteorological department with their true and accurate weather report for the day!! Here for the report is anonymous blonde weather girl #6. Basically she's only here because she looks good and we get paid based on the fucking ratings. Take it away underqualified weather bitch!

"Gee thanks Scott. Here is your completely accurate and true weather report for the day. Today it rained like a motherfucker. Even though yesterday we told you it wouldn't. Yeah sorry about that. We found that if we tell you it's going to be sunny, it makes it more ,likely for you not to change the chanel. Oh did I say Chanel? I meant Channel. He He He! And if you want to hear the forecast for your area for the coming days... here goes. First... take out a random dartboard, label it's areas with various weather patterns. Then whiff some shit at it, and wherever it sticks... that's what the weather's going to be. To be honest, this method is what we use backstage to predict the weather in the first place. It's as accurate as you're going to get, because this weather prediction stuff is just pseudo scientific bullshit. Actually I'm surprised nobody has figured it out by now. Just goes to show you how fucking dumb all of you viewers really are. And trust me, I'm the authority on dumb. I slept with 4 fat old executives in one night to get this job! Back to you Scott."

Thank you unimportant weather slut. Well that's all the time we have for tonight. We'll leave you with one of those charming little useless bullshit stories that always finish off news hours. Oh actually... no we wont. I'm not going to insult your fucking intelligence by informing you that fucking North Shore Fish Pot fucking cafe has won the annual 'Best Fish and Chips Award'. We'll be back tomorrow night, corrupting your mind, biasing your views, terrifying the living shit out of you and making up shit for ratings. Remember our slogan. We Report. You Decide. No wait... that's our regular slogan. Fuck that. Remember our REAL slogan. We Alter Reality. You are sold complete bullshit as truth.