Tuesday, April 27, 2010

The Time Travelling Avenger! (Part Two)

Okay first things first. Scroll down and read part one first. Or you could be a retard and read this one first, complain about how you cant follow the plot and prove without a shadow of a doubt that nature should have weeded you out long ago. Anyway lets get to it.

*Continued from Part One*

Basically the Mighty Avenger's Time Machine was fucking impressive. It was constructed in the shape of a giant cock and balls (the flux capacitor was in one of the balls). It really gave a new meaning to taking a seat in the COCKPIT. OH ZING!! Sorry guys I cant top that. Just click the back button on your browser now, it's all downhill from here.

He climbed in to the COCKPIT (mega lolz). In front of his were various manly shaped controls and thingamabobs. Mostly, the controls were way too complicated and there were about six million buttons and switches which actually did nothing in particular. Because more useless buttons was the MANLY WAY. Having a simple on/off switch is just sissy mother fucker! The Avenger plugged in the date into the highly sophisticated control system. December 2005. A simpler time. When the world had yet to be infected by its venomous blight. A time when the Avenger could put a stop to it all. For a moment the Avenger pondered a world without this hideous, hideous, UNIMAGINABLY HIDEOUS MALEVOLENT SOCIAL VIRUS... that my friends... was a world worth fighting for. A world worth dying for. Well not for me of course, but I'd gladly send someone else to die for it. Preferably Justin Bieber. That girl faced squirrel browed monstrosity must be killed. But unfortunately Justin Bieber didn't have a time machine. And even if he did... I wouldn't fucking send him. You can't rely on someone who looks like a cross between a chihuahua and a 5 year old girl to get shit done. YOU NEED THE AVENGER. YOU NEED THE MAN WITH THE WIFE STRANGLING PENIS. YOU NEED THE MAN WHO WOULD EAT 5 STEAKS, STEAL 18 FERRARIS AND BLOW UP 2 HELLO KITTY FACTORIES IN A SINGLE DAY. AND THAT'S A SLOW DAY.

The time machine shook with electrical force, spewing sparks all over the fucking place. It was getting ready to fire captain!! The cock shaped time machine reached the zero point but the Avenger wasn't at all worried. In fact he was sitting back with a hotdog, a porno mag and his seatbelt unbuckled. Well, it would have been unbuckled. He actually hadn't even installed a fucking seatbelt. Seatbelts are for pussies. All that was left was for him to shout out a manly catch phrase.
"TITS RULE!!!" he shouted.

The penis shaped time machine fired the seat out its head and through the time vortex. Of course, what he hadn't banked on was the fact that he was travelling back in time to a time before he had built the undersea base. So he appeared at the bottom of the ocean. No big deal of course... except it completely ruined his hotdog and porno mag. And that pissed him off. The Avenger burst out from underwater 18 metres in the air and skewered a few seagulls with his ice pick nipples. Serves them fucking right. Unfortunately The Avenger had also built his underwater base 15 miles off shore. Basically the whole thing had been fucking badly planned. But he was a MAN DAMMIT. And everyone knows men lack adequate planning ability and just fucking wing it. So he swam to shore, almost starving to death along the way. He had some fascinating encounters with vicious sea life along the way, including sharks, giant squid and the Loch Ness Monster but I'm not to mention any of that to you. Because I like screwing you out of literary enjoyment.

So the Avenger dragged himself onto the beach... you know, like in the cartoons. Soaking fucking wet and covered in seaweed. You know, because over a 15 mile swim, there just wasn't enough time to reach down and sweep away the fucking seaweed attached to you. What the beach full of people made of a nylon clad superhero emerging from the ocean with razor sharp nipples and a subway tunnel penis was anybody's guess. The Avenger had no time for any of that shit anyway. He had work to do! But first... he was fucking hungry. He went up to some kids on the beach and nicked their sandwiches and candy and wolfed it down. Of course, their mothers and fathers weren't so happy about this... but a quick blast of finger fired testosterone to the eyes quickly took care of those peons. The women that he blasted quickly grew thick chest hair, moustaches and developed deep booming voices and an insatiable desire for 4 Wheel Drives. That's right I'm breaking out all the fucking cliches here! So the Avenger finished his food and shoved off, leaving behind a beach full of crying kids and ape like women. He had work to do... and off he traipsed, towards the goal of ridding the world of its most hideous affliction.

*TO BE CONTINUED*

Coming Soon: What is The Avenger's Mission?? On a manliness scale of 1-10... is he an 86?? How does he drag that massive thing around all day?? Find out next time... on THE TIME TRAVELLING AVENGER!!!

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