Tuesday, April 27, 2010

The Time Travelling Avenger! (Part One)

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the blog that is like Albert Einstein, only more in favour of quantum theory! Today I shall tell you all a tale of a man who travels in time, ridding our world of contaminants, all in the name of truth, justice and peace. It is the AVENGER!!

The Avenger stood tall and proud in his secret lair. Where is it you ask? Well if I said it wouldn't be much of a secret. It's somewhere under the sea. The muscular behemoth of a man he thrust his chest out magnificently, stretching the nylon of his blood red superhero costume. His piercing nipples fired outwards like sharp, exceedingly manly ice picks, threatening to skewer his enemies with a single thrust. His white underwear shone brightly in the artificial light, barely concealing the most epic manhood ever before seen on the surface of the Earth. That's right it snaked around beneath the tight fabric like some sort of never ending subway train, boring ever onwards outside the confines of his undergarments and on down his fluorescent yellow pants leg. It ended triumphantly... tucked into his elephant socks.

The Avenger had a name... but it had been long since forgotten by the world above. It was Edgar. The Avenger had a typically tragic superhero back story of course. He fell in love with a woman. She had a name... but it had been long since forgotten by the world above. It was Gemima Puddleduck. Their love was in full bloom after he met her in the most romantic of settings... the electronics shop. From the moment The Avenger directed her towards a VCR player with slow motion playback... their love exploded into full bloom. Until tragedy struck. On that fateful day... when in the midst of expressing their unbridled love... The Avenger's mammoth penis wrapped around her neck three times over and choked her to death.
"NOOOOOO!!!!" he shouted, cursing the gods above for providing him with such a gargantuan weapon. So how did that make him into a superhero you ask? Well... uh... he hated his huge dick so much he went and got 30 metres of it removed. It was melted down and the dissolved penis mush somehow found its way into the fridge, at which time he mistook it for a protein shake and chugged it down after he got home from a run. The melted penis had so much manhood stored within that he developed super powers. Like razor sharp nipples and the ability to excrete a flood of testosterone at will. He also possessed the amazing lengthening dick, you know, like Mr Elastic from the Fantastic Four... only with less PG stretching and more R18.

Ever since that day... he vowed that he would use the rest of his exceedingly manly life to do better for the world. He would make this world a utopia of manhood... where sissy crap was eliminated once and for all. He had already single handedly eliminated the emo lifestyle from the face of the world. It was quite easy actually, all he had to do with make friends with them all on Myspace and then post insulting messages on their wall. Most of them committed suicide spontaneously. The others, he had to deal with physically. He simply advertised a free My Chemical Romance Concert and when everyone went inside he let loose his testosterone flood, drowning them all.

Ever since then he had focussed on something bigger... something that would aid the world even more than ridding it of scum sucking emo whiners. But he realised that in this case... it was too late. The thing he so desperately wanted to eliminate was already here. Even worse, it had already propagated itself into three versions, each more hideous than the last. It was like it reproduced through some vile mitosis... ugh...the very thought of it sent shivers of sissiness rippling through The Avenger's giant cock, almost shrinking it back to 24 metres for the first time since being exposed to the dreaded 'Martha Stewart Cooking Marathon' of 06. Anyway... he thought all was lost. Until he realised he was so much of a FUCKING MAN, that he should be able to do what men have been trying to do for aeons. BUILD A TIME MACHINE. Seriously, that's even more manly than a fucking combined Bulldozer and Steak Convention.

So he built the time machine. It involved a flux capacitor of course. And now he gazed proudly at his creation... ready to take that trip back in time and rid the world of the most hideous creation of all history. What is that abomination you ask? Well you'll have to tune in next time to find out!

(To Be Continued)

No comments:

Post a Comment