Welcome one and all (well, probably only one actually) to the blog that is better than sex. If that sex was an awkward 30 second encounter with a fat lardball. Otherwise it probably can't compete. Ahem. Well anyway, this edition was inspired by my answering of The Eternal Questions where I realised that the reason everything is so screwed up in the world is because of the average Jimbo Bob who goes home every night from his job sweeping shit off the street and drinks detergent because it's the same colour as Mountain Dew and he can't read the label. You know, the type of uneducated troglodyte who would actually vote for Sarah Palin for US President. You know her right? That woman who wouldn't be qualified to run a McDonalds even if Fat Albert and his 20 bulbous gelatinous friends lived in town. So for your benefit I have divided these stupid slugs into various categories so I can better rant against them and you can better understand the unfathomable dumb that you are up against every day of your enlightened life.
1. "Forethought and planning? What's that?"
Last week was the long weekend of Easter, featuring the Public holidays of Good Friday, Easter Sunday and Easter Monday. Funnily enough, these holidays happen every single shitting year so you would think they would be somewhat predictable. Obviously not. These douchebags realise on Friday "Oh shit I've got no bread/food/drink/brain". But oh shit! All the stores are closed! Whatever am I to do? I know... I'll go to the convenience store that's always open and buy bread! Oh wait... they dont have any bread because there's no delivery thanks to the FUCKING PUBLIC HOLIDAY. Whatever am I to do? Oh I know... I'll complain and whine about it to the manager of said store, ie. ME. Well here, I have a solution for you, you stupid dependent trout. PLAN AHEAD. You KNOW that tomorrow will be a public holiday, so check your provisions and if you're running short, GO OUT AND BUY THEM WHILE THE STORES ARE OPEN. Geez, in the school of life you must be that inbred slack jawed yokel at the back of the class hurling spitballs at the teacher whilst everybody else is trying to pay attention. What would you do if the stores closed down permanently? My guess is you'd complain for three days, whine for three days and then die of starvation. You're the type of succubus who expects everything to be deposited at your feet, and for things to open solely for your convenience. And you also have the IQ of a paramecium.
2. "Man these newspapers are so full of trash... I'll take two thanks"
This applies to gossip magazines, TV guides and almost every single mainstream publication people mindless buy every week. So let me get this straight... you complain the newspaper has too many ads... you complain the newspaper has too much useless news... you complain the newspaper has many sections you dont even read... you complain the newspaper has opinion pages you dont agree with... you complain the newspaper virtually doesnt live up to your needs/wants or expectations in any way shape or form... you say that you're going to VOICE YOUR DISPLEASURE! You're going to sock it to those publishers who dish up such useless droll! And you're going to do it by... buying the paper?! Congratulations your pointless whinging has only accomplished one single thing; demonstrating to me how bafflingly incompetent you are. And knowing this remarkably, does not benefit me in any way shape or form. My personal favourite are the people who actually say "You know, those poor celebrities must have no privacy whatsoever with camera people following them around everywhere". And they say this, before buying a gossip magazine and providing those very paparazzi with profit. Seriously, how dense are you? I've even started saying to them "Well as long as people keep buying the magazines it will keep happening" and even after this... THEY BUY THEM. There are no words.
3. "I'm going to get out there and vote! Every vote counts! My opinion matters!"
Ha. Ha. HA! Really? It does? Well that's funny, because I can prove you wrong on two counts. Say you live in America. Last election, Barack Obama got how many more votes than McCain and McDonalds Manager Palin? I believe it was in the vicinity of 4 million. That's right 4 fucking million. Ooohhh your vote is really necessary! Get out and vote! If you don't... Obama will only win by 3,999,999 votes!! Really now, if sombody said that you were managing a company's finances, and you were responsible for 1/200,000,000th of the funds, would you say your job was a big deal? No... because you'd be fucking responsible for 6 fucking fuckjob fuckrootin fucktootin fuckblowfish cents. That's right 'democracy'; fooling dumb people into thinking they mean something in the grand scheme of things for 350 years. On the second count... wait a minute, so you have a choice? Between who? The democrats or the republicans. The same two fucking parties who have been sending everything down shit creek for a hundred years. Let's see here... Obama... wants to continue the war in Afghanistan and approve a 750 billion dollar bailout of Wall Street. McCain... wants to continue the war in Afganistan and approve a 750 billion dollar bailout of Wall Street. Third party candidates... oh shit there are none. OH MAN THE CHOICES ARE ENDLESS!! In the words of South Park: "Let's get out and vote! Let's make our voices heard! We've been given the right to choose between a douche and a turd!" If you dont realise the fact that the system is designed to ensure the exact same agenda every time whilst deluding you into believing you have power, you're a moron.
4. "Global warming is man made and we've got to do something about it!"
No reason. Just being controversial and pissing people off. :P
5. "Twilight/Harry Potter/Dan Brown book is easily the book ever written"
If this opinion was a religion... it would be Scientology. Because it's just so damn stupid. Twilight is so badly written it's only decent use would be as toilet paper or to balance out the crooked leg of your table. And since there's like 4 fucking books in the series and you have only crooked table leg, that immediately makes 3 of them completely redundant. And a giant waste of ink, since you can wipe your ass with paper without ink on it. And before any of you say anything, this is me being KIND. Harry Potter is so overhyped and so under performing it may as well be Windows Vista. And Dan Brown wouldnt know quality writing if crawled up his ass and built a lodge there. Even saying anything of this sort makes it amazing for me to believe that you even have the mental faculties to successfully navigate a spoonful of food into your mouth without disaster. Do the names Milton, Shakespeare or Tolkien mean nothing to you? Because fucking Meyer, Rowling and Brown arent fit to fucking clip their toenails. I'm sure if you even dare to disagree with this, God will rain down copies of 'The Complete Works of John Milton' on your head. And trust me, this book is massive and it will fucking hurt.
6. "(The Country where I live) is the greatest nation in the world!"
Cough, cough splutter. Oh exotic and far reaching world traveller I bow down to your well educated and methodically researched opinion! Well... I would say that... if you weren't a total undaulterated dipshit who has been dipped in stupid sauce. There are 195 countries in the world. I would say that one would have to live in a country for at least six months to develop an opinion on it. That makes... 97 and a half years. And before you're 16 I'd say you arent mature enough to judge the quality of living... therefore it would take 113 and a half years to have the right to make this statement. At a minimum. Wow for a 113 year old you're looking pretty good! I would have guessed you were between the ages of 20 and 60 myself! Or maybe I'm giving you too much credit for honesty. Maybe you're just a solipsist jackass who mind numbingly thinks their country is the best for the sole reason that they live in it and their media tells them its true. Pull your head out your ass and get back to me when you;re 113.5 years old.
And that's it for today, I'm pooped from hating too much. Have fun until next time... and don't be stupid.