Monday, April 19, 2010

Random Thoughts Edition Deux

1. Man I so fucking hope that Sarah Palin gets nominated as the Republican Candidate for President in 2012. For two reasons; because listening to her speak in public is the only thing I've ever seen that can evoke two distinct reactions in me. Hysterical neverending laughter and bitter rage, depending on what side out of the bed I rolled out of that morning. The other reason is, that she will get crushed.

2. I laugh at the continuing story of the erupting volcano in Iceland that has pretty much shut down flights in and out of Europe. I laugh because it shows how unprepared for eventualities people are. It also shows that one natural event pretty much brings all of 'civilised society' and the economy to a standstill. I bet if something like this happened to the Native American Indians they'd be all like "Oh. Volcano Erupt. Ah well let's get on with our lives." and no one would give a shit. Advanced society my ass.

3. I find it extremely weird that after eating Burger King for the first time in 2 weeks after going on healthier diet causes me to be up all night vomiting. It's either the universe sending me a message... or it's some teenage bonehead at BK fucking up the cooking of the meat. Yeah I know, the universe one is far more likely.

4. Environmentalists print out fliers and hang them all over town to promote saving the rainforest. Said paper was acquired through cutting down the rainforest. DELICIOUS IRONY.

5. Apparently there's a place you can go to hire people to join your protest marches in support of whatever to make your crowd look bigger and well attended. Their job is to protest things. My question is, if they want a raise and decide to go on strike... what do they do? Protest? EVEN MORE DELICIOUS IRONY.

6. People order Diet Coke to go along with their up sized Big Mac Combo. DELICIOUS STUPIDITY. Well actually, not delicious at all. Diet Coke tastes like shit.

7. Speaking of tasting like shit... do you REALLY trust that weird orangey white sauce that's on the Big Mac? How on Earth is this made? How come McDonald's never refer to it by name but only as 'special sauce'? Some things may be better left unknown.

8. Like why this one customer keeps coming into the shop and buying 3 packages of bandages pretty much every day. Dude what the hell is going on? All I know is... the explanation would probably scar me for life.

9. Does anyone else think that Dora the explorer is pure unadulterated evil? I mean look at her. She's UP TO SOMETHING. WHO KNOWS WHAT SHE COULD BE SAYING IN THAT FOUL NON ENGLISH LANGUAGE. She's inciting our children to rebellion I tell you! Don't listen to the skeptics who say she's only teaching them about numbers, words and animal characteristics. I see fucking rebellion in her eyes.

10. Orange Big Mac Sauce, possibility one: "We're all outta special sauce"
"Oh just take some mayonnaise and leave it out in the sun for a while"

11. You know the show, 'So You Think You can Dance?' Well if my answer is an immediate no, do I still have to keep watching beyond the title credits? Haven't I already engaged with the show to the level it requires of me?

12. Put your money where your mouth is. No this is not some challenge, I just want to see someone jam some 20s in their mouth.

13. Orange Big Mac Sauce, possibility two: "Sir, I think I spilt the entire case of special sauce"
"You dumbass! You know that it's a hassle to get the tanning oil to properly blend with that fucking PVA"

14. Am I the only one who hates songs that have the title followed by another title in brackets? Like 'Welcome Home (Sanitarium)' or hideously 'Crank Dat (Soulja Boy)'. Listen you fuckwits you get A TITLE. No fucking post scripts just one goddamn title. I however, would renounce this criticism if someone released a song entitled something like 'I Love You (most days that is, sometimes I wonder whether you're the right one for me because sometimes you're messy and inconsiderate and don't do the dishes but then you buy me flowers and its all like 'I love you' again but then you know I get so confused and I don't know if you're ready for the level of commitment I need and I'm slightly worried that our hair colours could combine together to produce an orange haired kid... Oh Jimmy whatever am I to do?)'.

15. Orange Big Mac Sauce possibility three: "Okay this is just getting ridiculous, we're human beings dammit not machines! Get someone else to jack off into the orange juice and stir"

16. I bet now is about the time you will never buy a Big Mac again. I accept your thanks, I may have stopped some severe artery congealment and saved your life.

17. If you're a pop singer who doesn't write their own music, lyrics or pretty much do anything... how the hell can you claim that you are an 'artist'?

18. I think the day my childhood died was when I tried to use my imagination to make a purple dinosaur who danced stupidly, sung ridiculous songs and hugged me all the time appear and nothing happened.

19. I think the day my childhood was revived was when I realised I didn't really want a molesting purple dinosaur who 'loved' me to be around anyway.

20. I think the day my childhood died again was when I realised Barney was a molesting purple dinosaur who loves kids.

See ya next time kids... remember... don't eat the special sauce!

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