(I've been going over every rant I've ever done and I think this is my all time favourite. Let's see if my two and a half fans agree ;))
"And I think to myself... what a wonderful world" - Louis Armstrong
"And I think to myself... what a crap infested stink hole of a festering shitfest of a world" - Scott Lovesy
Welcome to part five of the never ending series. Well... I guess it will end when I die. But until then... there will always be things to rant pointlessly about. But you didn't click on this note to read long winded intros that are hugely unnecessary. You clicked on this note to read some serious HATRED. Because deep down inside, you are just as spiteful and hate filled as me, you just don't like to admit it. Well I like to admit it. I like to admit it regularly. I like to admit it far too much so I end up alienating everyone and dying alone. Maybe I've said too much.
1. The Auckland University English Department
It is obvious to me that these arty bastards spend way too much time writing essays with big words in it that nobody can understand trying to be as pretentious as humanly possible, and far too little time learning how to manage their assessment systems. I did everything fucking right, I finished my essay on time, I logged on to the online essay submission service to hand the bastard in and what do you know... it wont let me enrol in the class. So I spend three bloody hours trying everything I can to fix the problem, thinking the problem may be on my end. I should have known better. It was the English Department who fucked it up. So I email the bastards and they reply saying things should be fixed now. Well guess what? ITS NOT. YOU PILE OF DOUCHE BAG TWATS. I should have been getting stuck in to my second assignment yesterday but NO I had to waste all my time trying to fix your never ending stream of incompetence. Here's a suggestion: Stop musing over the themes of fucking Chaucer and get off your ass and fix my problem. And if this causes me to lose one iota of one mark, I will crack open your head and use your highly developed creative minds to re-paint my house.
Yes, bees. Those honey making buzzing bastards. Well to be narrower in my hatred, I really only hate the ones that somehow FIND THEIR WAY INTO MY ROOM. I was minding my own business yesterday when all of a sudden this hulking buzzing piece of crap flies through my door to molest me with its hideous presence. This thing was massive too... like three times as big as the average bee. It was like bee on steroids, or bee who ate too much Burger King. All I know is it wasn't going to do much pollinating buzzing around my face. Why? Because flowers are wimpy and I don't have any in my presence. Ever. Anyway this thing disturbed me... so I went and blasted it with fly spray. And then it really began to piss me off as it REFUSED TO DIE. Seriously blast after blast of fly spray and it kept struggling around the room, just looking to sting me out of spite. ONE AND A HALF HOURS LATER the bitch finally gives up the ghost and dies, thus wasting even more of my time that I could have been writing my assignment. I don't care how necessary they are for our environment, they piss me off.
This follows on from number 2. Flyspray these days is so inferior. It doesn't kill enough things well enough. Look, killing flies is easy, I expect more bang for my freaking 5 dollars. I demand that flyspray kill the following things that may pester me within 30 seconds: Bees, Spiders, Moths, little children and Jehovah's Witnesses.
4. People who say "I could care less"
MORONS. There is no problem that humanity as a whole is dealing with that is more egregious than this bullshit. Look you wankers, if you wish to express how little you care you say "I COULDN'T CARE LESS". That implies that there is no possible level of caring below that which you already have! When you bugger up the expression and say "I could care less" all you're doing is saying that you care. Can you not see that you dumbass? You are raping my language, and lying at the same time. You are a stain on the underpants of life. Learn how to not care properly.
5. Jamie Oliver
How many fucking tv shows does this guy have?? Probably about the same amount as Gordon Ramsay. The only difference is; Gordon Ramsay is like the modern day messiah of cooking and this wanker prances around like he's had his nuts removed and been injected with copious amounts of tranquillisers. I could watch Gordon Ramsay yell at people trying to cook all day. And plus, he's had affairs on his wife!! How metal is that!! This loser probably goes over and pats his chefs on the head and says "It's okay we'll do better next time". Get off my tv. Give me more Gordon Ramsay instead. Here's a taste of his awesomeness: ITS RAW!! YOU WANKER PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND FIX THE FUCKING RISOTTO!! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR SHIT!! SHUT IT DOWN!!
6. The stupidity of celebrities
Now I know I've ranted about this sort of thing before. So this time I'm going to be constructive. I am going to give you, the high class A list Hollywood celebrity, the advice you need to fix your problems, seeming as you're doing such a cock up job about it yourself. Okay Rihanna, I know the whole world has an opinion on you taking back Chris Brown after he beat you up. But I know you're really listening to me. You're not going to take Oprah's advice. You're going to take mine, because you and me... we're like peas in a pod. Well... not really. But anyway... DUMP THE BASTARD. ARE YOU CRAZY?! He was raised by a man who beat his wife, and he beat you up pretty badly. But he loves you really right? He's going to change right? You're a moron. He will do it again and when he does you should no longer have the right to complain about it. By taking him back you're just telling him he can get away with anything. Hopefully you're just lulling him into a false sense of security and all of a sudden when he least suspects it your gang of pop princess body guards ambush him in an alley and give him a solid working over. That would be cool. But until then... grow a brain.
Jennifer Aniston... you're 40 years old. Soon gravity will take its effect and no amount of botox will make you stop looking like a haggard old crone. And you're dumping successful musicians because they post on twitter?! Now I hate twitter as much as the next guy (Its a blight on humanity) but don't you think you'd better start settling? Soon your dating pool is going to shrink rather rapidly. Soon you'll be dating B listers ... then C listers... then janitors... then me. And I'll be only dating you for your money.
There you have it. Another day, another rant. Comments as always are welcome and encouraged, as well as suggestions about things I should rant about in the future. Have a hate filled day!