Sunday, April 4, 2010

An Answer to 'The Eternal Questions'

Eternal Questions.

1. Why don’t car manufacturers make pink or purple cars?

A: Car manufacturers do in fact make pink cars. Purple on the other hand, has developed a societal stigma surrounding it, which would likely lead to negative presuppositions from witnesses upon seeing it. Thus, there is a low demand for purple cars.

2. What is the desired result at the end of a date? A kiss? A fuck? A relationship?

A: I would suspect that there is no such thing as 'the' desired result. For me personally, I've had dates where I have desired the first and the third, but never the second. Since I realise this so far hasn't been funny, I would say that 'THE' desired result of a date is not to end up blindfolded in the woods tied to a tree with your pants and wallet missing. I would say that one is fairly universal.

3. Is calling someone ma’am a sign of respect or an indicator of old age?

A: Depends. If you're in the Wild Wild West, probably a sign of respect. If you're a waitress, probably a recognition of old age. And if you're in the red light district, it's probably a mistake to call anyone ma'am, due to the high probability of mistaking their gender.

4. If there were a bridge from here to Europe, would you drive across it?

A: Since my 'here' is New Zealand, and it takes 24 hours just to fucking fly to Europe from this ass end of nowhere, I would have to question to sanity of the people who built this bridge. By the time it was completed, I'm sure we would have developed teleportation devices and the people who begun the project's grandchildren would still be trying to complete it. And even if, in the year 2067, when I am a fucking codger and the thing is completed, driving across it would likely take about 13 months, which is not my idea of a good time. At the age of 81 my idea of a good time will probably be to have the hot nurses at my rest home spoon feed me apple sauce.

5. Is youth wasted on the young?

A: Between the ages of 0-12... no. Between the ages of 12 and 35? You'd better believe it. Most of the time between the ages of 12 and 35 is spent trying to be old. Most of the time from 35 to 100 is spent trying to be young. And most of the time from 100 is spent trying to successfully digest mulched up prunes. Kids between the ages of 0-12 are really the only ones who get it right... they just dont give a fuck. Seriously, go ask one about the evils of modern capitalism and the pitfalls of the U.S Federal reserve. Chances are they'll look at you strangely and then go back to shovelling dirt looking for tasty worms to eat. And that's really what life should be about. Not giving a solitary fuck about the fuck off federal reserve. Among other things I suppose, but mostly that.

6. Do blondes really have more fun? (Yes.)

A: It seems this question has been answered for me. Of course, since the answer is mind numbingly wrong it will have to be adjusted. Firstly, if you're a blonde who has never had any other hair colour and you're answering this question either way... you're a moron. Secondly, if you're a person who has been BOTH blonde and another hair colour and you're answering this question you're still a moron because your natural hair colour all along has been one or the other and you're fucking deluding yourself. Thirdly, if by some miracle you managed to alter your genes midway through your life to another natural hair colour and you attempt to answer this question either way... winner winner chicken dinner... YOU'RE A MORON! Why you ask? Because it's impossible to quantify 'fun'. Sure, you may think that that day at the carnival followed by the night of raucous sex with a supermodel was more fun than the day you shovelled shit at a farm for 19 hours and didnt get dinner for it...but how can you really be sure? Did someone set up a 'fun-o-meter' that I'm unaware of? Isnt fun simply a malleable state of mind that can be altered according to the subject's will? I bet you a million bucks, that if I wanted it bad enough, I could have more fun shovelling shit than rooting the supermodel. Of course, since I've never shovelled shit, or scored with supermodels the whole point is moot. And I now realise that since I've said anyone answering this question is a moron, and I've spent a whole fucking paragraph doing just that... I'm a king moron. Shit.

7. Can dogs smell fear?

A: No, but they CAN hear colours. Think about that for a second, then bow down to our canine overlords.

8. Do only the good die young?

A: Jesus died young. Stalin survived a long time. King Tut died at the age of 13. George W Bush still alive. Dick Cheney practically immortal. Osama Bin Laden wont go away. Buddha achieved enlightenment at a young age, entire Republican party; old white guys. I think the good dying young hypothesis looks pretty fucking good right now.

9. How is it possible that I consistently only like five out of ten songs on the radio?

A: With the sheer amount of recycled pop ditty garbage emanating from the aural crap factory that is mainstream radio, liking 5 out of ten songs is a sign of either one of two things. 1. An earthly miracle or most likely 2. The fact that even being conditioned over a period of decades to the fact that pop music is worthwhile isn't enough to overcome the sheer unadulterated shit of today's mainstream 'artists'. I'd better stop now, otherwise the entire music industry may collapse under the sheer force of mountainous verbal venom that I spew at it. T-Pain my ass.

10. Are we as humans innately good? Is it safe to say that most of us would cry if we committed a murder? What about those that wouldn’t?

A: This is a complex philosophical issue. I would argue that yes, we are, as humans, innately good. I think it's safe to say that probably over 95% of the world's population are good people who would not think about murdering another. When you actually look at violent crime rates you see that they are disproportionately tiny to the overall population, and the reason people think they're so widespread is because the mainstream news chucks them in your face every night to scare you and make you subservient to societal norms. Every violent crime is an outward manifestation of interior hurt, fear or frustration improperly controlled and inappropriately expressed. A lot of it is in response to the batshit insane system of living we have developed in the Western world. Have you ever heard of ancient Native American Indians raping women? How about violent Zen Buddhists? Didn't think so.

11. Why hasn’t Blackberry figured out how to show pictures in emails yet?

A: You know, when I ponder 'eternal questions' this one doesnt seem to come up so much.

12. Why is it always my fault in an car accident?

A: Probably the negative social stigma attached to women drivers combined by the modern conditioned impulse to blame others for our problems. Although, if these car accidents involved you speeding at 100 miles an hour into the back of a car that had just parked... then no verbal acrobatics are gonna get around the fact that it's your fault.

13. Why do people ask dumb questions?

A: Because the average intellect of the average Joe Schmo is not all that high. Again, I blame civilised Western society. I am continually shocked by the close to zero amount of thinking people have done on the big issues of life and the shockingly high amount of thinking people have done about whether to go to the fucking beach or stay home and watch fucking Oprah. The favourite ones I've ever been asked include: "Where is Raines Avenue?' whilst standing in a shop ON RAINES AVENUE. "Can I have this 5 dollar carton of milk for free?" and "Why is the DVD player not working?" whilst it was NOT PLUGGED IN. Ohh this shit is infuriating. But on the good side, this answer has inspired me to write a new entry ranting about stupid people for your entertainment.

14. Why do people ask me dumb questions?

A: I think the formula goes something like this. Dumb people ask dumb questions. Dumb people outnumber smart people by at least a 3:1 ratio. Thus if you meet 4 people in your daily life, 3 of them will be dumb people with a propensity to ask dumb questions. Thus it is not surprising that people ask you dumb questions and is one of the primary reasons I avoid interacting with people :P The solution would be to only interact with me and people that I have previously approved safe for your interaction.

15. Why do people ask questions they don’t want to know the answer to?

A: I dont know. Seriously, this one baffles me. I think it comes down to the fact that the most vital part of them DOES want or recognises that they need to hear the answer, even if their fragile ego disagrees. Of course I avoid this practise entirely by having no ego. That way I am free to receive the inevitable crushing answer to "So was it any good for you?". In fact, it was probably receiving the answer to that question that killed the ego in the first place.

There, I have answered the eternal questions and once again set the world right after it begun to swing unbalanced on the pendulum of confusion and misdirection. You can thank me later.

No comments:

Post a Comment