Tuesday, April 27, 2010

The Time Travelling Avenger! (Part Two)

Okay first things first. Scroll down and read part one first. Or you could be a retard and read this one first, complain about how you cant follow the plot and prove without a shadow of a doubt that nature should have weeded you out long ago. Anyway lets get to it.

*Continued from Part One*

Basically the Mighty Avenger's Time Machine was fucking impressive. It was constructed in the shape of a giant cock and balls (the flux capacitor was in one of the balls). It really gave a new meaning to taking a seat in the COCKPIT. OH ZING!! Sorry guys I cant top that. Just click the back button on your browser now, it's all downhill from here.

He climbed in to the COCKPIT (mega lolz). In front of his were various manly shaped controls and thingamabobs. Mostly, the controls were way too complicated and there were about six million buttons and switches which actually did nothing in particular. Because more useless buttons was the MANLY WAY. Having a simple on/off switch is just sissy mother fucker! The Avenger plugged in the date into the highly sophisticated control system. December 2005. A simpler time. When the world had yet to be infected by its venomous blight. A time when the Avenger could put a stop to it all. For a moment the Avenger pondered a world without this hideous, hideous, UNIMAGINABLY HIDEOUS MALEVOLENT SOCIAL VIRUS... that my friends... was a world worth fighting for. A world worth dying for. Well not for me of course, but I'd gladly send someone else to die for it. Preferably Justin Bieber. That girl faced squirrel browed monstrosity must be killed. But unfortunately Justin Bieber didn't have a time machine. And even if he did... I wouldn't fucking send him. You can't rely on someone who looks like a cross between a chihuahua and a 5 year old girl to get shit done. YOU NEED THE AVENGER. YOU NEED THE MAN WITH THE WIFE STRANGLING PENIS. YOU NEED THE MAN WHO WOULD EAT 5 STEAKS, STEAL 18 FERRARIS AND BLOW UP 2 HELLO KITTY FACTORIES IN A SINGLE DAY. AND THAT'S A SLOW DAY.

The time machine shook with electrical force, spewing sparks all over the fucking place. It was getting ready to fire captain!! The cock shaped time machine reached the zero point but the Avenger wasn't at all worried. In fact he was sitting back with a hotdog, a porno mag and his seatbelt unbuckled. Well, it would have been unbuckled. He actually hadn't even installed a fucking seatbelt. Seatbelts are for pussies. All that was left was for him to shout out a manly catch phrase.
"TITS RULE!!!" he shouted.

The penis shaped time machine fired the seat out its head and through the time vortex. Of course, what he hadn't banked on was the fact that he was travelling back in time to a time before he had built the undersea base. So he appeared at the bottom of the ocean. No big deal of course... except it completely ruined his hotdog and porno mag. And that pissed him off. The Avenger burst out from underwater 18 metres in the air and skewered a few seagulls with his ice pick nipples. Serves them fucking right. Unfortunately The Avenger had also built his underwater base 15 miles off shore. Basically the whole thing had been fucking badly planned. But he was a MAN DAMMIT. And everyone knows men lack adequate planning ability and just fucking wing it. So he swam to shore, almost starving to death along the way. He had some fascinating encounters with vicious sea life along the way, including sharks, giant squid and the Loch Ness Monster but I'm not to mention any of that to you. Because I like screwing you out of literary enjoyment.

So the Avenger dragged himself onto the beach... you know, like in the cartoons. Soaking fucking wet and covered in seaweed. You know, because over a 15 mile swim, there just wasn't enough time to reach down and sweep away the fucking seaweed attached to you. What the beach full of people made of a nylon clad superhero emerging from the ocean with razor sharp nipples and a subway tunnel penis was anybody's guess. The Avenger had no time for any of that shit anyway. He had work to do! But first... he was fucking hungry. He went up to some kids on the beach and nicked their sandwiches and candy and wolfed it down. Of course, their mothers and fathers weren't so happy about this... but a quick blast of finger fired testosterone to the eyes quickly took care of those peons. The women that he blasted quickly grew thick chest hair, moustaches and developed deep booming voices and an insatiable desire for 4 Wheel Drives. That's right I'm breaking out all the fucking cliches here! So the Avenger finished his food and shoved off, leaving behind a beach full of crying kids and ape like women. He had work to do... and off he traipsed, towards the goal of ridding the world of its most hideous affliction.

*TO BE CONTINUED*

Coming Soon: What is The Avenger's Mission?? On a manliness scale of 1-10... is he an 86?? How does he drag that massive thing around all day?? Find out next time... on THE TIME TRAVELLING AVENGER!!!

The Time Travelling Avenger! (Part One)

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the blog that is like Albert Einstein, only more in favour of quantum theory! Today I shall tell you all a tale of a man who travels in time, ridding our world of contaminants, all in the name of truth, justice and peace. It is the AVENGER!!

The Avenger stood tall and proud in his secret lair. Where is it you ask? Well if I said it wouldn't be much of a secret. It's somewhere under the sea. The muscular behemoth of a man he thrust his chest out magnificently, stretching the nylon of his blood red superhero costume. His piercing nipples fired outwards like sharp, exceedingly manly ice picks, threatening to skewer his enemies with a single thrust. His white underwear shone brightly in the artificial light, barely concealing the most epic manhood ever before seen on the surface of the Earth. That's right it snaked around beneath the tight fabric like some sort of never ending subway train, boring ever onwards outside the confines of his undergarments and on down his fluorescent yellow pants leg. It ended triumphantly... tucked into his elephant socks.

The Avenger had a name... but it had been long since forgotten by the world above. It was Edgar. The Avenger had a typically tragic superhero back story of course. He fell in love with a woman. She had a name... but it had been long since forgotten by the world above. It was Gemima Puddleduck. Their love was in full bloom after he met her in the most romantic of settings... the electronics shop. From the moment The Avenger directed her towards a VCR player with slow motion playback... their love exploded into full bloom. Until tragedy struck. On that fateful day... when in the midst of expressing their unbridled love... The Avenger's mammoth penis wrapped around her neck three times over and choked her to death.
"NOOOOOO!!!!" he shouted, cursing the gods above for providing him with such a gargantuan weapon. So how did that make him into a superhero you ask? Well... uh... he hated his huge dick so much he went and got 30 metres of it removed. It was melted down and the dissolved penis mush somehow found its way into the fridge, at which time he mistook it for a protein shake and chugged it down after he got home from a run. The melted penis had so much manhood stored within that he developed super powers. Like razor sharp nipples and the ability to excrete a flood of testosterone at will. He also possessed the amazing lengthening dick, you know, like Mr Elastic from the Fantastic Four... only with less PG stretching and more R18.

Ever since that day... he vowed that he would use the rest of his exceedingly manly life to do better for the world. He would make this world a utopia of manhood... where sissy crap was eliminated once and for all. He had already single handedly eliminated the emo lifestyle from the face of the world. It was quite easy actually, all he had to do with make friends with them all on Myspace and then post insulting messages on their wall. Most of them committed suicide spontaneously. The others, he had to deal with physically. He simply advertised a free My Chemical Romance Concert and when everyone went inside he let loose his testosterone flood, drowning them all.

Ever since then he had focussed on something bigger... something that would aid the world even more than ridding it of scum sucking emo whiners. But he realised that in this case... it was too late. The thing he so desperately wanted to eliminate was already here. Even worse, it had already propagated itself into three versions, each more hideous than the last. It was like it reproduced through some vile mitosis... ugh...the very thought of it sent shivers of sissiness rippling through The Avenger's giant cock, almost shrinking it back to 24 metres for the first time since being exposed to the dreaded 'Martha Stewart Cooking Marathon' of 06. Anyway... he thought all was lost. Until he realised he was so much of a FUCKING MAN, that he should be able to do what men have been trying to do for aeons. BUILD A TIME MACHINE. Seriously, that's even more manly than a fucking combined Bulldozer and Steak Convention.

So he built the time machine. It involved a flux capacitor of course. And now he gazed proudly at his creation... ready to take that trip back in time and rid the world of the most hideous creation of all history. What is that abomination you ask? Well you'll have to tune in next time to find out!

(To Be Continued)

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Aliens #2

"They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"Meat. They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."

"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars."

"They use the radio waves to talk but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."

"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."

"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."

"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."

"I'm not asking you; I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat."

"Maybe they're like the Orfolei. You know: a carbon based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."

"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans which didn't take too long. Do you have any idea the life span of meat?"

"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the Weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."

"Nope. We thought of that since they do have meat heads like the Weddilei. But I told you: we probed them. They're meat all the way through."

"No brain?"

"There is a brain. The brain is made out of meat!"

"So what does the thinking?"

"You're not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking. The meat."

"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"

"...and this is why the flying saucers are not landing. 'Cause we're so damn stupid! (applause and cheering) They know us. They know that if they hang out with us, sooner or later we're gonna take 'em out, get 'em drunk, beat the shit out of 'em, and take their damn saucer."

-the comedian, Gallagher

Aliens

Out in space two alien life forms are talking.


The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons."

The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so. They have them aimed at themselves."

Monday, April 19, 2010

Random Thoughts Edition Deux

1. Man I so fucking hope that Sarah Palin gets nominated as the Republican Candidate for President in 2012. For two reasons; because listening to her speak in public is the only thing I've ever seen that can evoke two distinct reactions in me. Hysterical neverending laughter and bitter rage, depending on what side out of the bed I rolled out of that morning. The other reason is, that she will get crushed.

2. I laugh at the continuing story of the erupting volcano in Iceland that has pretty much shut down flights in and out of Europe. I laugh because it shows how unprepared for eventualities people are. It also shows that one natural event pretty much brings all of 'civilised society' and the economy to a standstill. I bet if something like this happened to the Native American Indians they'd be all like "Oh. Volcano Erupt. Ah well let's get on with our lives." and no one would give a shit. Advanced society my ass.

3. I find it extremely weird that after eating Burger King for the first time in 2 weeks after going on healthier diet causes me to be up all night vomiting. It's either the universe sending me a message... or it's some teenage bonehead at BK fucking up the cooking of the meat. Yeah I know, the universe one is far more likely.

4. Environmentalists print out fliers and hang them all over town to promote saving the rainforest. Said paper was acquired through cutting down the rainforest. DELICIOUS IRONY.

5. Apparently there's a place you can go to hire people to join your protest marches in support of whatever to make your crowd look bigger and well attended. Their job is to protest things. My question is, if they want a raise and decide to go on strike... what do they do? Protest? EVEN MORE DELICIOUS IRONY.

6. People order Diet Coke to go along with their up sized Big Mac Combo. DELICIOUS STUPIDITY. Well actually, not delicious at all. Diet Coke tastes like shit.

7. Speaking of tasting like shit... do you REALLY trust that weird orangey white sauce that's on the Big Mac? How on Earth is this made? How come McDonald's never refer to it by name but only as 'special sauce'? Some things may be better left unknown.

8. Like why this one customer keeps coming into the shop and buying 3 packages of bandages pretty much every day. Dude what the hell is going on? All I know is... the explanation would probably scar me for life.

9. Does anyone else think that Dora the explorer is pure unadulterated evil? I mean look at her. She's UP TO SOMETHING. WHO KNOWS WHAT SHE COULD BE SAYING IN THAT FOUL NON ENGLISH LANGUAGE. She's inciting our children to rebellion I tell you! Don't listen to the skeptics who say she's only teaching them about numbers, words and animal characteristics. I see fucking rebellion in her eyes.

10. Orange Big Mac Sauce, possibility one: "We're all outta special sauce"
"Oh just take some mayonnaise and leave it out in the sun for a while"

11. You know the show, 'So You Think You can Dance?' Well if my answer is an immediate no, do I still have to keep watching beyond the title credits? Haven't I already engaged with the show to the level it requires of me?

12. Put your money where your mouth is. No this is not some challenge, I just want to see someone jam some 20s in their mouth.

13. Orange Big Mac Sauce, possibility two: "Sir, I think I spilt the entire case of special sauce"
"You dumbass! You know that it's a hassle to get the tanning oil to properly blend with that fucking PVA"

14. Am I the only one who hates songs that have the title followed by another title in brackets? Like 'Welcome Home (Sanitarium)' or hideously 'Crank Dat (Soulja Boy)'. Listen you fuckwits you get A TITLE. No fucking post scripts just one goddamn title. I however, would renounce this criticism if someone released a song entitled something like 'I Love You (most days that is, sometimes I wonder whether you're the right one for me because sometimes you're messy and inconsiderate and don't do the dishes but then you buy me flowers and its all like 'I love you' again but then you know I get so confused and I don't know if you're ready for the level of commitment I need and I'm slightly worried that our hair colours could combine together to produce an orange haired kid... Oh Jimmy whatever am I to do?)'.

15. Orange Big Mac Sauce possibility three: "Okay this is just getting ridiculous, we're human beings dammit not machines! Get someone else to jack off into the orange juice and stir"

16. I bet now is about the time you will never buy a Big Mac again. I accept your thanks, I may have stopped some severe artery congealment and saved your life.

17. If you're a pop singer who doesn't write their own music, lyrics or pretty much do anything... how the hell can you claim that you are an 'artist'?

18. I think the day my childhood died was when I tried to use my imagination to make a purple dinosaur who danced stupidly, sung ridiculous songs and hugged me all the time appear and nothing happened.

19. I think the day my childhood was revived was when I realised I didn't really want a molesting purple dinosaur who 'loved' me to be around anyway.

20. I think the day my childhood died again was when I realised Barney was a molesting purple dinosaur who loves kids.

See ya next time kids... remember... don't eat the special sauce!

Friday, April 16, 2010

The Funniest Blog Entry Ever.

The Tea Party Movement.

You see what I did there?

Coming Soon...

Hello everyone and welcome to the blog that could bring about world peace. That's right if every single person in the world was tied to a chair and forced to read this blog, there'd be nobody fighting any wars and thus we'd have world peace. So I'm not lying. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

Yeah so basically, I'm lazy. So I'm doing the whole 'Coming Soon' bit to make it appear like I've written a new entry when I really haven't. Clever Batman! Very clever! And I've got plenty of other tricks on my Bat-tool-belt too. In the coming days/weeks, two out of three of these new entries will come into the world.

1. Scott Answers the Questions posed by pop lyrics: Including 'Dontcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?', 'Why do fools fall in love?' and 'Where is the love?' and perhaps even 'Why you sleepin with your eyes closed?' and 'What you gonna do with all that junk in your trunk?'

2. What I would say to celebrities if I ever met them.

3. No text, just an embedded video of me running around the streets of Auckland half naked chasing a chicken.

Which two you ask? ... I'll leave you in suspense.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Just name the damn University after me already

"Meanwhile the underground itself serves as a point of contrast; again demonstrating the boundless nature of pleasure; showing that it is only the limited, restrained and sanctified pleasures of the surface that yield to any substantive probing of their contents and boundaries."

This is a sentence from the essay I just finished for my English Honours course. It also includes me using the word "omnidimensionality". I'll take my A thanks.

... Only knowing them they'll dock it down to a B+ upon external review like last year when I wrote my 10,000 word research project, got given an A- and then some external loser said it wasn't good enough for that. Stupid external professor jerk hiding behind a veil of anonymity. I'll get ya anonymous professor... IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Monday, April 12, 2010

Classic Crap: Scott Rants Part Five (Or 'V' if you're a pretentious bastard)

(I've been going over every rant I've ever done and I think this is my all time favourite. Let's see if my two and a half fans agree ;))

"And I think to myself... what a wonderful world" - Louis Armstrong

"And I think to myself... what a crap infested stink hole of a festering shitfest of a world" - Scott Lovesy

Welcome to part five of the never ending series. Well... I guess it will end when I die. But until then... there will always be things to rant pointlessly about. But you didn't click on this note to read long winded intros that are hugely unnecessary. You clicked on this note to read some serious HATRED. Because deep down inside, you are just as spiteful and hate filled as me, you just don't like to admit it. Well I like to admit it. I like to admit it regularly. I like to admit it far too much so I end up alienating everyone and dying alone. Maybe I've said too much.

1. The Auckland University English Department

It is obvious to me that these arty bastards spend way too much time writing essays with big words in it that nobody can understand trying to be as pretentious as humanly possible, and far too little time learning how to manage their assessment systems. I did everything fucking right, I finished my essay on time, I logged on to the online essay submission service to hand the bastard in and what do you know... it wont let me enrol in the class. So I spend three bloody hours trying everything I can to fix the problem, thinking the problem may be on my end. I should have known better. It was the English Department who fucked it up. So I email the bastards and they reply saying things should be fixed now. Well guess what? ITS NOT. YOU PILE OF DOUCHE BAG TWATS. I should have been getting stuck in to my second assignment yesterday but NO I had to waste all my time trying to fix your never ending stream of incompetence. Here's a suggestion: Stop musing over the themes of fucking Chaucer and get off your ass and fix my problem. And if this causes me to lose one iota of one mark, I will crack open your head and use your highly developed creative minds to re-paint my house.

2. Bees

Yes, bees. Those honey making buzzing bastards. Well to be narrower in my hatred, I really only hate the ones that somehow FIND THEIR WAY INTO MY ROOM. I was minding my own business yesterday when all of a sudden this hulking buzzing piece of crap flies through my door to molest me with its hideous presence. This thing was massive too... like three times as big as the average bee. It was like bee on steroids, or bee who ate too much Burger King. All I know is it wasn't going to do much pollinating buzzing around my face. Why? Because flowers are wimpy and I don't have any in my presence. Ever. Anyway this thing disturbed me... so I went and blasted it with fly spray. And then it really began to piss me off as it REFUSED TO DIE. Seriously blast after blast of fly spray and it kept struggling around the room, just looking to sting me out of spite. ONE AND A HALF HOURS LATER the bitch finally gives up the ghost and dies, thus wasting even more of my time that I could have been writing my assignment. I don't care how necessary they are for our environment, they piss me off.

3. Flyspray

This follows on from number 2. Flyspray these days is so inferior. It doesn't kill enough things well enough. Look, killing flies is easy, I expect more bang for my freaking 5 dollars. I demand that flyspray kill the following things that may pester me within 30 seconds: Bees, Spiders, Moths, little children and Jehovah's Witnesses.

4. People who say "I could care less"

MORONS. There is no problem that humanity as a whole is dealing with that is more egregious than this bullshit. Look you wankers, if you wish to express how little you care you say "I COULDN'T CARE LESS". That implies that there is no possible level of caring below that which you already have! When you bugger up the expression and say "I could care less" all you're doing is saying that you care. Can you not see that you dumbass? You are raping my language, and lying at the same time. You are a stain on the underpants of life. Learn how to not care properly.

5. Jamie Oliver

How many fucking tv shows does this guy have?? Probably about the same amount as Gordon Ramsay. The only difference is; Gordon Ramsay is like the modern day messiah of cooking and this wanker prances around like he's had his nuts removed and been injected with copious amounts of tranquillisers. I could watch Gordon Ramsay yell at people trying to cook all day. And plus, he's had affairs on his wife!! How metal is that!! This loser probably goes over and pats his chefs on the head and says "It's okay we'll do better next time". Get off my tv. Give me more Gordon Ramsay instead. Here's a taste of his awesomeness: ITS RAW!! YOU WANKER PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND FIX THE FUCKING RISOTTO!! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR SHIT!! SHUT IT DOWN!!

6. The stupidity of celebrities

Now I know I've ranted about this sort of thing before. So this time I'm going to be constructive. I am going to give you, the high class A list Hollywood celebrity, the advice you need to fix your problems, seeming as you're doing such a cock up job about it yourself. Okay Rihanna, I know the whole world has an opinion on you taking back Chris Brown after he beat you up. But I know you're really listening to me. You're not going to take Oprah's advice. You're going to take mine, because you and me... we're like peas in a pod. Well... not really. But anyway... DUMP THE BASTARD. ARE YOU CRAZY?! He was raised by a man who beat his wife, and he beat you up pretty badly. But he loves you really right? He's going to change right? You're a moron. He will do it again and when he does you should no longer have the right to complain about it. By taking him back you're just telling him he can get away with anything. Hopefully you're just lulling him into a false sense of security and all of a sudden when he least suspects it your gang of pop princess body guards ambush him in an alley and give him a solid working over. That would be cool. But until then... grow a brain.

Jennifer Aniston... you're 40 years old. Soon gravity will take its effect and no amount of botox will make you stop looking like a haggard old crone. And you're dumping successful musicians because they post on twitter?! Now I hate twitter as much as the next guy (Its a blight on humanity) but don't you think you'd better start settling? Soon your dating pool is going to shrink rather rapidly. Soon you'll be dating B listers ... then C listers... then janitors... then me. And I'll be only dating you for your money.

There you have it. Another day, another rant. Comments as always are welcome and encouraged, as well as suggestions about things I should rant about in the future. Have a hate filled day!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Dammit, Tiger Woods Didn't Win

I'm pissed that Tiger Woods didn't win the Masters. Man how awesome would that have been? To see all the fairweather moral supermacists in outrage, pretending that they've got such higher standards and have never done anything inappropriate in their lives... that would have been awesome.

Craploads of men have cheated on their wives. Craploads of wives have cheated on their husbands. Why is it considered so wrong? Because society is stupid and can't get over unrealistic expectations. It is possible to make a promise to love someone for a lifetime and stick to it. It is not possible to create a series of boundaries, restrictions and codes of conduct surrounding this and fulfil a promise to stick to it. It is also possible that not sticking to these regulations doesn't make a jack squat of relation to how one feels about their partner and the esteem they hold them in. Put restrictions of expression onto a free being and they will eventually rebel. It's fundamental. So stop acting like someone is lesser than you for refusing to live in a behavioural prison.

Go Tiger Woods, you're a good man.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Women Are Magical Creatures

All my life I've thought women are magical creatures. Every single one I know I see magic inside and out.

"Under his forming hands a creature grew,
Manlike, but different sex, so lovely fair,
That what seemed fair in all the world, seemed now
Mean, or in her summed up, in her contained
And in her looks, which from that time infused
Sweetness into my heart unfelt before,
And into all things from her inspired
The spirit of love and amorous delight.
Grace was in all her steps, heaven in her eye,
In every gesture dignity and love" - John Milton, Paradise Lost

Why are you all so darned magical? I wonder how you can even bear to be with stinky males sometimes :P

Thursday, April 8, 2010

The Best Sentence I've Ever Written

I don't know if this is it, but it's definitely up there:

"I was minding my own business yesterday when all of a sudden this hulking buzzing piece of crap flies through my door to molest me with its hideous presence." - from 'Scott Rants Part Five'

I think it does everything it sets out to do pretty perfectly :P

Scott Rants About Stupid People

Welcome one and all (well, probably only one actually) to the blog that is better than sex. If that sex was an awkward 30 second encounter with a fat lardball. Otherwise it probably can't compete. Ahem. Well anyway, this edition was inspired by my answering of The Eternal Questions where I realised that the reason everything is so screwed up in the world is because of the average Jimbo Bob who goes home every night from his job sweeping shit off the street and drinks detergent because it's the same colour as Mountain Dew and he can't read the label. You know, the type of uneducated troglodyte who would actually vote for Sarah Palin for US President. You know her right? That woman who wouldn't be qualified to run a McDonalds even if Fat Albert and his 20 bulbous gelatinous friends lived in town. So for your benefit I have divided these stupid slugs into various categories so I can better rant against them and you can better understand the unfathomable dumb that you are up against every day of your enlightened life.

1. "Forethought and planning? What's that?"

Last week was the long weekend of Easter, featuring the Public holidays of Good Friday, Easter Sunday and Easter Monday. Funnily enough, these holidays happen every single shitting year so you would think they would be somewhat predictable. Obviously not. These douchebags realise on Friday "Oh shit I've got no bread/food/drink/brain". But oh shit! All the stores are closed! Whatever am I to do? I know... I'll go to the convenience store that's always open and buy bread! Oh wait... they dont have any bread because there's no delivery thanks to the FUCKING PUBLIC HOLIDAY. Whatever am I to do? Oh I know... I'll complain and whine about it to the manager of said store, ie. ME. Well here, I have a solution for you, you stupid dependent trout. PLAN AHEAD. You KNOW that tomorrow will be a public holiday, so check your provisions and if you're running short, GO OUT AND BUY THEM WHILE THE STORES ARE OPEN. Geez, in the school of life you must be that inbred slack jawed yokel at the back of the class hurling spitballs at the teacher whilst everybody else is trying to pay attention. What would you do if the stores closed down permanently? My guess is you'd complain for three days, whine for three days and then die of starvation. You're the type of succubus who expects everything to be deposited at your feet, and for things to open solely for your convenience. And you also have the IQ of a paramecium.

2. "Man these newspapers are so full of trash... I'll take two thanks"

This applies to gossip magazines, TV guides and almost every single mainstream publication people mindless buy every week. So let me get this straight... you complain the newspaper has too many ads... you complain the newspaper has too much useless news... you complain the newspaper has many sections you dont even read... you complain the newspaper has opinion pages you dont agree with... you complain the newspaper virtually doesnt live up to your needs/wants or expectations in any way shape or form... you say that you're going to VOICE YOUR DISPLEASURE! You're going to sock it to those publishers who dish up such useless droll! And you're going to do it by... buying the paper?! Congratulations your pointless whinging has only accomplished one single thing; demonstrating to me how bafflingly incompetent you are. And knowing this remarkably, does not benefit me in any way shape or form. My personal favourite are the people who actually say "You know, those poor celebrities must have no privacy whatsoever with camera people following them around everywhere". And they say this, before buying a gossip magazine and providing those very paparazzi with profit. Seriously, how dense are you? I've even started saying to them "Well as long as people keep buying the magazines it will keep happening" and even after this... THEY BUY THEM. There are no words.

3. "I'm going to get out there and vote! Every vote counts! My opinion matters!"


Ha. Ha. HA! Really? It does? Well that's funny, because I can prove you wrong on two counts. Say you live in America. Last election, Barack Obama got how many more votes than McCain and McDonalds Manager Palin? I believe it was in the vicinity of 4 million. That's right 4 fucking million. Ooohhh your vote is really necessary! Get out and vote! If you don't... Obama will only win by 3,999,999 votes!! Really now, if sombody said that you were managing a company's finances, and you were responsible for 1/200,000,000th of the funds, would you say your job was a big deal? No... because you'd be fucking responsible for 6 fucking fuckjob fuckrootin fucktootin fuckblowfish cents. That's right 'democracy'; fooling dumb people into thinking they mean something in the grand scheme of things for 350 years. On the second count... wait a minute, so you have a choice? Between who? The democrats or the republicans. The same two fucking parties who have been sending everything down shit creek for a hundred years. Let's see here... Obama... wants to continue the war in Afghanistan and approve a 750 billion dollar bailout of Wall Street. McCain... wants to continue the war in Afganistan and approve a 750 billion dollar bailout of Wall Street. Third party candidates... oh shit there are none. OH MAN THE CHOICES ARE ENDLESS!! In the words of South Park: "Let's get out and vote! Let's make our voices heard! We've been given the right to choose between a douche and a turd!" If you dont realise the fact that the system is designed to ensure the exact same agenda every time whilst deluding you into believing you have power, you're a moron.

4. "Global warming is man made and we've got to do something about it!"

No reason. Just being controversial and pissing people off. :P

5. "Twilight/Harry Potter/Dan Brown book is easily the book ever written"

If this opinion was a religion... it would be Scientology. Because it's just so damn stupid. Twilight is so badly written it's only decent use would be as toilet paper or to balance out the crooked leg of your table. And since there's like 4 fucking books in the series and you have only crooked table leg, that immediately makes 3 of them completely redundant. And a giant waste of ink, since you can wipe your ass with paper without ink on it. And before any of you say anything, this is me being KIND. Harry Potter is so overhyped and so under performing it may as well be Windows Vista. And Dan Brown wouldnt know quality writing if crawled up his ass and built a lodge there. Even saying anything of this sort makes it amazing for me to believe that you even have the mental faculties to successfully navigate a spoonful of food into your mouth without disaster. Do the names Milton, Shakespeare or Tolkien mean nothing to you? Because fucking Meyer, Rowling and Brown arent fit to fucking clip their toenails. I'm sure if you even dare to disagree with this, God will rain down copies of 'The Complete Works of John Milton' on your head. And trust me, this book is massive and it will fucking hurt.

6. "(The Country where I live) is the greatest nation in the world!"

Cough, cough splutter. Oh exotic and far reaching world traveller I bow down to your well educated and methodically researched opinion! Well... I would say that... if you weren't a total undaulterated dipshit who has been dipped in stupid sauce. There are 195 countries in the world. I would say that one would have to live in a country for at least six months to develop an opinion on it. That makes... 97 and a half years. And before you're 16 I'd say you arent mature enough to judge the quality of living... therefore it would take 113 and a half years to have the right to make this statement. At a minimum. Wow for a 113 year old you're looking pretty good! I would have guessed you were between the ages of 20 and 60 myself! Or maybe I'm giving you too much credit for honesty. Maybe you're just a solipsist jackass who mind numbingly thinks their country is the best for the sole reason that they live in it and their media tells them its true. Pull your head out your ass and get back to me when you;re 113.5 years old.

And that's it for today, I'm pooped from hating too much. Have fun until next time... and don't be stupid.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

The Greatest Literary Work of All Ze Times

John Milton's 'Paradise Lost'. It is the greatest written work in the history of the English language. Just thought I'd point this one out.

An Answer to 'The Eternal Questions'

Eternal Questions.

1. Why don’t car manufacturers make pink or purple cars?

A: Car manufacturers do in fact make pink cars. Purple on the other hand, has developed a societal stigma surrounding it, which would likely lead to negative presuppositions from witnesses upon seeing it. Thus, there is a low demand for purple cars.

2. What is the desired result at the end of a date? A kiss? A fuck? A relationship?

A: I would suspect that there is no such thing as 'the' desired result. For me personally, I've had dates where I have desired the first and the third, but never the second. Since I realise this so far hasn't been funny, I would say that 'THE' desired result of a date is not to end up blindfolded in the woods tied to a tree with your pants and wallet missing. I would say that one is fairly universal.

3. Is calling someone ma’am a sign of respect or an indicator of old age?

A: Depends. If you're in the Wild Wild West, probably a sign of respect. If you're a waitress, probably a recognition of old age. And if you're in the red light district, it's probably a mistake to call anyone ma'am, due to the high probability of mistaking their gender.

4. If there were a bridge from here to Europe, would you drive across it?

A: Since my 'here' is New Zealand, and it takes 24 hours just to fucking fly to Europe from this ass end of nowhere, I would have to question to sanity of the people who built this bridge. By the time it was completed, I'm sure we would have developed teleportation devices and the people who begun the project's grandchildren would still be trying to complete it. And even if, in the year 2067, when I am a fucking codger and the thing is completed, driving across it would likely take about 13 months, which is not my idea of a good time. At the age of 81 my idea of a good time will probably be to have the hot nurses at my rest home spoon feed me apple sauce.

5. Is youth wasted on the young?

A: Between the ages of 0-12... no. Between the ages of 12 and 35? You'd better believe it. Most of the time between the ages of 12 and 35 is spent trying to be old. Most of the time from 35 to 100 is spent trying to be young. And most of the time from 100 is spent trying to successfully digest mulched up prunes. Kids between the ages of 0-12 are really the only ones who get it right... they just dont give a fuck. Seriously, go ask one about the evils of modern capitalism and the pitfalls of the U.S Federal reserve. Chances are they'll look at you strangely and then go back to shovelling dirt looking for tasty worms to eat. And that's really what life should be about. Not giving a solitary fuck about the fuck off federal reserve. Among other things I suppose, but mostly that.

6. Do blondes really have more fun? (Yes.)

A: It seems this question has been answered for me. Of course, since the answer is mind numbingly wrong it will have to be adjusted. Firstly, if you're a blonde who has never had any other hair colour and you're answering this question either way... you're a moron. Secondly, if you're a person who has been BOTH blonde and another hair colour and you're answering this question you're still a moron because your natural hair colour all along has been one or the other and you're fucking deluding yourself. Thirdly, if by some miracle you managed to alter your genes midway through your life to another natural hair colour and you attempt to answer this question either way... winner winner chicken dinner... YOU'RE A MORON! Why you ask? Because it's impossible to quantify 'fun'. Sure, you may think that that day at the carnival followed by the night of raucous sex with a supermodel was more fun than the day you shovelled shit at a farm for 19 hours and didnt get dinner for it...but how can you really be sure? Did someone set up a 'fun-o-meter' that I'm unaware of? Isnt fun simply a malleable state of mind that can be altered according to the subject's will? I bet you a million bucks, that if I wanted it bad enough, I could have more fun shovelling shit than rooting the supermodel. Of course, since I've never shovelled shit, or scored with supermodels the whole point is moot. And I now realise that since I've said anyone answering this question is a moron, and I've spent a whole fucking paragraph doing just that... I'm a king moron. Shit.

7. Can dogs smell fear?

A: No, but they CAN hear colours. Think about that for a second, then bow down to our canine overlords.

8. Do only the good die young?

A: Jesus died young. Stalin survived a long time. King Tut died at the age of 13. George W Bush still alive. Dick Cheney practically immortal. Osama Bin Laden wont go away. Buddha achieved enlightenment at a young age, entire Republican party; old white guys. I think the good dying young hypothesis looks pretty fucking good right now.

9. How is it possible that I consistently only like five out of ten songs on the radio?

A: With the sheer amount of recycled pop ditty garbage emanating from the aural crap factory that is mainstream radio, liking 5 out of ten songs is a sign of either one of two things. 1. An earthly miracle or most likely 2. The fact that even being conditioned over a period of decades to the fact that pop music is worthwhile isn't enough to overcome the sheer unadulterated shit of today's mainstream 'artists'. I'd better stop now, otherwise the entire music industry may collapse under the sheer force of mountainous verbal venom that I spew at it. T-Pain my ass.

10. Are we as humans innately good? Is it safe to say that most of us would cry if we committed a murder? What about those that wouldn’t?

A: This is a complex philosophical issue. I would argue that yes, we are, as humans, innately good. I think it's safe to say that probably over 95% of the world's population are good people who would not think about murdering another. When you actually look at violent crime rates you see that they are disproportionately tiny to the overall population, and the reason people think they're so widespread is because the mainstream news chucks them in your face every night to scare you and make you subservient to societal norms. Every violent crime is an outward manifestation of interior hurt, fear or frustration improperly controlled and inappropriately expressed. A lot of it is in response to the batshit insane system of living we have developed in the Western world. Have you ever heard of ancient Native American Indians raping women? How about violent Zen Buddhists? Didn't think so.

11. Why hasn’t Blackberry figured out how to show pictures in emails yet?

A: You know, when I ponder 'eternal questions' this one doesnt seem to come up so much.

12. Why is it always my fault in an car accident?

A: Probably the negative social stigma attached to women drivers combined by the modern conditioned impulse to blame others for our problems. Although, if these car accidents involved you speeding at 100 miles an hour into the back of a car that had just parked... then no verbal acrobatics are gonna get around the fact that it's your fault.

13. Why do people ask dumb questions?

A: Because the average intellect of the average Joe Schmo is not all that high. Again, I blame civilised Western society. I am continually shocked by the close to zero amount of thinking people have done on the big issues of life and the shockingly high amount of thinking people have done about whether to go to the fucking beach or stay home and watch fucking Oprah. The favourite ones I've ever been asked include: "Where is Raines Avenue?' whilst standing in a shop ON RAINES AVENUE. "Can I have this 5 dollar carton of milk for free?" and "Why is the DVD player not working?" whilst it was NOT PLUGGED IN. Ohh this shit is infuriating. But on the good side, this answer has inspired me to write a new entry ranting about stupid people for your entertainment.

14. Why do people ask me dumb questions?

A: I think the formula goes something like this. Dumb people ask dumb questions. Dumb people outnumber smart people by at least a 3:1 ratio. Thus if you meet 4 people in your daily life, 3 of them will be dumb people with a propensity to ask dumb questions. Thus it is not surprising that people ask you dumb questions and is one of the primary reasons I avoid interacting with people :P The solution would be to only interact with me and people that I have previously approved safe for your interaction.

15. Why do people ask questions they don’t want to know the answer to?

A: I dont know. Seriously, this one baffles me. I think it comes down to the fact that the most vital part of them DOES want or recognises that they need to hear the answer, even if their fragile ego disagrees. Of course I avoid this practise entirely by having no ego. That way I am free to receive the inevitable crushing answer to "So was it any good for you?". In fact, it was probably receiving the answer to that question that killed the ego in the first place.

There, I have answered the eternal questions and once again set the world right after it begun to swing unbalanced on the pendulum of confusion and misdirection. You can thank me later.