Ahh Alchemy. The sacred art that has eluded the erstwhile grasp of mankind for millennia. Awesome, I just used the word 'erstwhile'. Anyway, alchemy, for all you uninitiated ones (you are obviously not nerds and I require you to immediately make like a tree and fuck off my blog) is the art of turning base objects INTO GOLD. A while ago, on facebook, I detailed my first attempt to create gold using only my brilliant mind and a bedsheet. I failed. Before you laugh, has anyone else succeeded in creating gold out of something else? DIDN'T THINK SO JACKASS!!
But this time things will be different. I am older. Wiser. Better looking. How the fact that I'm better looking will help me create gold, well... that doesnt matter. I'm sure it helps somehow. Since now I am fairly sure that creating gold out of a bedsheet is difficult if not impossible... I shall now take a new route. ROUTE 66 STRAIGHT UP GOLD HIGHWAY ONE BITCH!! Take the trip with me... if you're lucky I might throw you some gold at the end of it. And if you're unlucky... well then you'll see me laughing at you whilst beating you with a big stick away from my giant pile of gold.
1. I figure gold has more in common with another metal than a fucking bedsheet. Man what the fuck was I thinking?! After a quick inspection of my general vicinity I come up with three metal objects. A Knife. A Fork. A Spoon. I select the fork. Why?? Because spoons are overrated and I have no need for a golden knife. I run the fork under a running tap for five minutes.
Result: Wet fork. No gold. Beginning to wonder if water is the answer here.
2. Okay so water is probably out. HEAT. OF COURSE. I place the fork on the ledge in the sun for a few hours and then return.
Result: No change. Bits of gravel attached to underside of fork from being placed on the ground. Bits of gravel do not seem to be gold.
3. But hold on ONE COTTON PICKIN MINUTE HERE. How exactly can I be sure the gravel isnt gold? I call up a local laboratory. They tell me analysis of the sample will take several days and cost several hundred dollars. Since, even if it IS gold, it would be worth about $4.39, I tell them to stuff their test tubes up ther ass.
Result: Depends on whether they actually followed through with my request. I'm guessing broken test tubes.
4. Okay so I've tried liquid... and heat. There's one thing I havent tried. GAS!! But how the fudge am I supposed to get gas?? Oh of course... it is so simple. So deviously, fiendishly simple! I ingest a can of baked beans.
Result: Fork now smells noticeably different than before. Still seems like stainless steel though. Methane obviously not the miracle cure here. Probably should have seen it coming, as I'm sure forks have been farted on for centuries, and if somehow gold resulted from this, I probably would have heard about it. Becoming slightly frustrated.
5. It's time to open pandora's box. Water didnt work. Heat did squat. Gas accomplished a great amount of fuck all. So let's do what any good scientist would do and combine all three in a potent cocktail of gold creating madness. Or something. I take a match, light it and pass wind. The flame created is directed at the fork which I immediately run over to the tap to put it out with water.
Result: Pants on fire. Second degree burns. No gold.
6. Just before hurling this God forsaken fork out of the window I had an epiphany. Just like Einstein when he thought of relativity I said to myself "EUREKA! I have an idea that will prove to be an adequate description of the functioning of classical reality, until quantum mechanics comes in and buggers everything up at which point scientists will still cling to my outdated theory for 80 years instead of fully investigating the implications of consciousness and the universe proposed by quantum theory, the most accurate theory in the history of science." Okay that was a bad analogy. Let's try again. Just like Homer Simpsons when discovering a peanut he'd dropped on the floor I said to myself 'WOOHOO!' Obviously I can turn this fork into gold with my neverending mind powers, which have so far proved useful in causing plants to grow and taking over the world, not necessarily in that order. I placed the fork down on the table and concentrated really hard.
Result: Nothing. Probably because my concentration was broken by Jehovah's Witnesses knocking on the door. They tried to tell me about my lord and savior Jesus Christ, in particular how he turned water into wine. I asked them if Jesus could turn forks into gold. They answered that yes, as he had the power of God at his fingertips. 'Interesting...' I thought... this saviour fellow may be just what I am looking for... I asked them how I could accomplish this task. They replied that I probably had to be the Son of God.
7. I run back inside to check my genealogy chart.
Result: Turns out that I am the son of one Christopher Lovesy. Unless he has done one fucking great job at disguise these 24 years, I'm pretty fucking hosed.
8. I run back and ask them if there is any biblical prophecy foretelling the coming of a Christopher Lovesy and his messiah son.
Result: They say no.
9. I ask them if they are sure.
Result: They say that they have between them read the Bible more times than Friends repeats have been screened on TV and if it was in there they probably would have picked it up. I take their brochure concerning whether or not masturbation is a sin and shut the door.
10. I return to concentrating on the fork with my mind powers, my last hope for alchemy. Wait a minute... HOLY CRAP!! Something is happening!!
Result: I bent the fork with my mind. How this helps me exactly I'm not sure. It's probably not even the fork that bent, and only myself. Thanks stupid Matrix spoon boy.
11. Okay damn you I give up! Take your stupid bent fork and use it to skewer foods that are located at diffcult angles on your fucking plate!
Result: I failed. No need to fucking rub it in.
So basically, my efforts came to a bent fork and a brochure telling me that hell awaits me. Fan fucking tasmic. What of course I didnt tell you here, is that I went back to my bedroom and 3 hours later came up with a plan that actually worked, and left me with a whole utensil drawer full of solid gold. How did I do this? What you think I'm going to tell you on a public blog? Keep dreaming. Oh boy I bet a certain someone is glad they're marrying my rich ass now!