1. Space and Time don't exist. Deal with it.
2. The forthcoming children that will result from my newfound engagement: Gorgeous, shapely, golden blonde haired English nerds?
3. Or perhaps: Lanky awkward sociable children with American accents?
4. Following the New Zealand cricket team is one of the most painful exercises one can undertake. Just when you want to give up they play an awesome game, and then you have to wait until you're ready to give up again for them to do it again.
5. Tea with anything less than 3 sugars is not tea.
6. Coffee is overrated.
7. Energy drinks are not.
8. I am addicted to energy drinks.
9. I am trying to quit energy drinks.
10. I'm sure I was Mahatma Gandhi in a past life.
11. Even though I realise that from an enlightened spiritual guru who single handedly changed the world to a socially awkward skinny white guy whose only life achievements are writing books noone has read may read as a slight step backward.
12. If I didnt like women, I would so sleep with Daniel Vettori.
13. If my future wife ever left me for Daniel Vettori... I would understand.
14. Don't try and bend the spoon.
15. That's impossible.
16. Only try to realise the truth. Then you will see that it is not the spoon that bends... but merely yourself.
17. People who would have taken the blue pill to go back into the computer generated dreamworld blissfully unaware of the harsh truth are pussies.
18. "The whole universe was in a hot dense state..." Mondo points for anybody who gets the reference.
19. The Lottery: Because spending money for a microscopic chance of making money because you need money makes sense!
20. Capitalism: Because someone has to sweep the streets and we'll be damned if we have to pay them decently for it.
21. The U.S Political System: Because having a choice between a shit candidate who will ruin America and a slightly less shit candidate who will ruin America is still a choice! Whoo Democracy!
22. You'd take the blue pill? Get out of my sight. I've got hideous soupy gruel to eat in my cramped polluted machine house.
23. The Glenn Beck fitness regime: 30 minutes of stretching the truth, followed by 30 minutes of jumping to conclusions. Wait 23 hours and then repeat.
24. The education system: Because we need mindless drones and we need them now.
25. Devin Townsend is surely an alien. Nobody makes music this good from Earth.
26. Can we start with the creating of gorgeous, shapely, golden blonde haired English nerd children yet?
27. Just wait, first I need an energy drink.
28. Did you just slip the blue pill in my drink?
29. Damn, now while I'm unconscious my future wife is going to leave me for Daniel Vettori.
30. Cant blame her really.
See y'all next time ;)