Saturday, March 27, 2010

Classic Crap: 'If you like it then you should have put a ring on it': An Objective Analysis

*Here is one from the archives... where I objectively analyse the lyrics of this insidious slab of pop music banality, which is single handedly destroying modern culture as well as the male-female relationship dynamic, and pretty much everything else*

Yes folks, its that time again. Today, I will bring my crippling skills of logic, reason and debunking to bear on this phrase which has pervaded modern society like some sort of rampant virus. The new generation of Beyonce worshippers have flocked to this rallying cry like a dung beetle to... well... dung. But rarely, if ever do we see any qualified analysis on the merits of this statement which has so influenced a generation. Today will change all of that. I will systematically analyse the validity of this statement, and come to a conclusion that is irrefutable... that it is a total, uncompromising load of bunk. Let's get to it.

Point One: Rings are expensive.

In this point, I shall attack the irrational expectation of assuming men should put rings on everything they like. Now, in doing my research I have asked five subjects of the female persuasion what kind of ring they believe Beyonce means when she makes this statement. Five out of five confirmed that it was most likely to be an item of jewelery, worth at least $100, preferably possessing a real crystal of some persuasion. So I have concluded she probably isn't talking about onion rings (unfortunately). In response to this I would like to bring up a salient point. Men like lots of things and rings of this sort are fucking expensive. I quite like my X Box 360, and under Beyonce logic I would be obligated by some sort of moral code to place a ring on it. Where I would place this ring, Beyonce very unhelpfully does not specify. This creed would bankrupt male society and leave useless rings everywhere. There'd be rings on the swing set. Rings on people's clothes. And apparently for every man who is fond of their private parts... a very painful procedure is in order. This leaves out the obvious point about immaterial substances. For example, I like the North Shore's efficient waste collection system. Where the flying fuck am I obligated to place this aforesaid ring? I hereby conclude that following through on Beyonce's credo would bankrupt society, crush every business except Michael Hill fucking Jewellers and increase the homeless rate astronomically.

Point Two: Okay so maybe you were talking about relationships.

Now after that first point I can almost hear the braying Beyonce-philes yelling "That's not what she means and you know it!" Well to them I say, prove it. The lyrics to this particular song provide no context, unless there is some coded message in 'Woh oh ohhh wohh oh ohh" that I'm not getting. But fuck it, I'll play along. Let's say Beyonce is only referring to the fact that if you like your romantic partner you should put a ring on it. Moving on...

Point Three: What do you mean 'It'???

Okay so I'm in a relationship, and I'm looking to see if I'm obligated to put a ring on this lady. What aspect of you does the 'it' in 'If you like it' actually fucking refer to? Does it mean 'the way you pet your dog?' As in "If you like it (the way I pet my dog), then you should have put a ring on it"? Or maybe you refer to your interest in stamp collecting. As in "If you like it (my stamp collecting hobby) then you should have put a ring on it"? It's too fucking vague!! How are we supposed to know?? What if we think we should only buy you a ring if we like your hair texture when its actually the fact that we should buy you a ring if we like your even application of nail polish? How can we know you're not just making it the fuck up as you go along? I require a standard definition IN WRITING, and signed by Miss Knowles and her sixty million attorneys before I acknowledge this.

Point Four: Men never fully like anything.

It's true. There is always something about you that we won't like. Of course the same applies for you when you evaluate us as well. It's only a matter of if the stuff we like about you outweighs the stuff we don't like. And if it does... again Beyonce is more vague than a one sentence explanation of the entirety of quantum physics. What is the fucking threshold here? If its 80% like to 20% dislike, are we expected to put a ring on it? What about 60/40? What about 50/50? Since the lyrics to the song do not EXPLICITLY state "If you like it to a degree of 75% to 25% or more then you should have put a ring on it", I am forced to conclude that Beyonce is being a manipulative self serving wench. On the other hand, if she ever re releases the song with those lyrics, I will not only forgive her for every indiscretion I will buy every copy of her albums in Auckland City.

And finally and most conclusively...

Point Five: A Life Fucking Sentence??

Okay, so "If you like it then you should have put a ring on it"" right? Since fucking when. Since when does me liking something force me to like that thing for the rest of eternity? Under this sort of backward ass logic, if I enjoy playing at the Takapuna golf course, I should sign in writing that I'm never going to play at any other golf course ever. I like eating breakfast... oh shit, looks like I cant eat lunch!! I like the qualities of a number of females, which one of them am I obligated to put a ring on? All of them?? How can that work, as I am pretty sure under your own dickheaded logic, I'm only allowed ONE. I wasn't aware that liking something was a life sentence.

Overall, I have proven that Beyonce's assertion is a self contradicting, badly defined expose of crap logic and ridiculous expectations. This is not something that a generation should be rallying around. In it's place I would like to hereby propose a different and more accurate statement.

"If you like it then good for you."


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