Saturday, March 27, 2010

Random Thoughts

1. Space and Time don't exist. Deal with it.
2. The forthcoming children that will result from my newfound engagement: Gorgeous, shapely, golden blonde haired English nerds?
3. Or perhaps: Lanky awkward sociable children with American accents?
4. Following the New Zealand cricket team is one of the most painful exercises one can undertake. Just when you want to give up they play an awesome game, and then you have to wait until you're ready to give up again for them to do it again.
5. Tea with anything less than 3 sugars is not tea.
6. Coffee is overrated.
7. Energy drinks are not.
8. I am addicted to energy drinks.
9. I am trying to quit energy drinks.
10. I'm sure I was Mahatma Gandhi in a past life.
11. Even though I realise that from an enlightened spiritual guru who single handedly changed the world to a socially awkward skinny white guy whose only life achievements are writing books noone has read may read as a slight step backward.
12. If I didnt like women, I would so sleep with Daniel Vettori.
13. If my future wife ever left me for Daniel Vettori... I would understand.
14. Don't try and bend the spoon.
15. That's impossible.
16. Only try to realise the truth. Then you will see that it is not the spoon that bends... but merely yourself.
17. People who would have taken the blue pill to go back into the computer generated dreamworld blissfully unaware of the harsh truth are pussies.
18. "The whole universe was in a hot dense state..." Mondo points for anybody who gets the reference.
19. The Lottery: Because spending money for a microscopic chance of making money because you need money makes sense!
20. Capitalism: Because someone has to sweep the streets and we'll be damned if we have to pay them decently for it.
21. The U.S Political System: Because having a choice between a shit candidate who will ruin America and a slightly less shit candidate who will ruin America is still a choice! Whoo Democracy!
22. You'd take the blue pill? Get out of my sight. I've got hideous soupy gruel to eat in my cramped polluted machine house.
23. The Glenn Beck fitness regime: 30 minutes of stretching the truth, followed by 30 minutes of jumping to conclusions. Wait 23 hours and then repeat.
24. The education system: Because we need mindless drones and we need them now.
25. Devin Townsend is surely an alien. Nobody makes music this good from Earth.
26. Can we start with the creating of gorgeous, shapely, golden blonde haired English nerd children yet?
27. Just wait, first I need an energy drink.
28. Did you just slip the blue pill in my drink?
29. Damn, now while I'm unconscious my future wife is going to leave me for Daniel Vettori.
30. Cant blame her really.

See y'all next time ;)

Classic Crap: 'If you like it then you should have put a ring on it': An Objective Analysis

*Here is one from the archives... where I objectively analyse the lyrics of this insidious slab of pop music banality, which is single handedly destroying modern culture as well as the male-female relationship dynamic, and pretty much everything else*

Yes folks, its that time again. Today, I will bring my crippling skills of logic, reason and debunking to bear on this phrase which has pervaded modern society like some sort of rampant virus. The new generation of Beyonce worshippers have flocked to this rallying cry like a dung beetle to... well... dung. But rarely, if ever do we see any qualified analysis on the merits of this statement which has so influenced a generation. Today will change all of that. I will systematically analyse the validity of this statement, and come to a conclusion that is irrefutable... that it is a total, uncompromising load of bunk. Let's get to it.

Point One: Rings are expensive.

In this point, I shall attack the irrational expectation of assuming men should put rings on everything they like. Now, in doing my research I have asked five subjects of the female persuasion what kind of ring they believe Beyonce means when she makes this statement. Five out of five confirmed that it was most likely to be an item of jewelery, worth at least $100, preferably possessing a real crystal of some persuasion. So I have concluded she probably isn't talking about onion rings (unfortunately). In response to this I would like to bring up a salient point. Men like lots of things and rings of this sort are fucking expensive. I quite like my X Box 360, and under Beyonce logic I would be obligated by some sort of moral code to place a ring on it. Where I would place this ring, Beyonce very unhelpfully does not specify. This creed would bankrupt male society and leave useless rings everywhere. There'd be rings on the swing set. Rings on people's clothes. And apparently for every man who is fond of their private parts... a very painful procedure is in order. This leaves out the obvious point about immaterial substances. For example, I like the North Shore's efficient waste collection system. Where the flying fuck am I obligated to place this aforesaid ring? I hereby conclude that following through on Beyonce's credo would bankrupt society, crush every business except Michael Hill fucking Jewellers and increase the homeless rate astronomically.

Point Two: Okay so maybe you were talking about relationships.

Now after that first point I can almost hear the braying Beyonce-philes yelling "That's not what she means and you know it!" Well to them I say, prove it. The lyrics to this particular song provide no context, unless there is some coded message in 'Woh oh ohhh wohh oh ohh" that I'm not getting. But fuck it, I'll play along. Let's say Beyonce is only referring to the fact that if you like your romantic partner you should put a ring on it. Moving on...

Point Three: What do you mean 'It'???

Okay so I'm in a relationship, and I'm looking to see if I'm obligated to put a ring on this lady. What aspect of you does the 'it' in 'If you like it' actually fucking refer to? Does it mean 'the way you pet your dog?' As in "If you like it (the way I pet my dog), then you should have put a ring on it"? Or maybe you refer to your interest in stamp collecting. As in "If you like it (my stamp collecting hobby) then you should have put a ring on it"? It's too fucking vague!! How are we supposed to know?? What if we think we should only buy you a ring if we like your hair texture when its actually the fact that we should buy you a ring if we like your even application of nail polish? How can we know you're not just making it the fuck up as you go along? I require a standard definition IN WRITING, and signed by Miss Knowles and her sixty million attorneys before I acknowledge this.

Point Four: Men never fully like anything.

It's true. There is always something about you that we won't like. Of course the same applies for you when you evaluate us as well. It's only a matter of if the stuff we like about you outweighs the stuff we don't like. And if it does... again Beyonce is more vague than a one sentence explanation of the entirety of quantum physics. What is the fucking threshold here? If its 80% like to 20% dislike, are we expected to put a ring on it? What about 60/40? What about 50/50? Since the lyrics to the song do not EXPLICITLY state "If you like it to a degree of 75% to 25% or more then you should have put a ring on it", I am forced to conclude that Beyonce is being a manipulative self serving wench. On the other hand, if she ever re releases the song with those lyrics, I will not only forgive her for every indiscretion I will buy every copy of her albums in Auckland City.

And finally and most conclusively...

Point Five: A Life Fucking Sentence??

Okay, so "If you like it then you should have put a ring on it"" right? Since fucking when. Since when does me liking something force me to like that thing for the rest of eternity? Under this sort of backward ass logic, if I enjoy playing at the Takapuna golf course, I should sign in writing that I'm never going to play at any other golf course ever. I like eating breakfast... oh shit, looks like I cant eat lunch!! I like the qualities of a number of females, which one of them am I obligated to put a ring on? All of them?? How can that work, as I am pretty sure under your own dickheaded logic, I'm only allowed ONE. I wasn't aware that liking something was a life sentence.

Overall, I have proven that Beyonce's assertion is a self contradicting, badly defined expose of crap logic and ridiculous expectations. This is not something that a generation should be rallying around. In it's place I would like to hereby propose a different and more accurate statement.

"If you like it then good for you."


Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Scott Attempts Alchemy (Part Two)

Ahh Alchemy. The sacred art that has eluded the erstwhile grasp of mankind for millennia. Awesome, I just used the word 'erstwhile'. Anyway, alchemy, for all you uninitiated ones (you are obviously not nerds and I require you to immediately make like a tree and fuck off my blog) is the art of turning base objects INTO GOLD. A while ago, on facebook, I detailed my first attempt to create gold using only my brilliant mind and a bedsheet. I failed. Before you laugh, has anyone else succeeded in creating gold out of something else? DIDN'T THINK SO JACKASS!!

But this time things will be different. I am older. Wiser. Better looking. How the fact that I'm better looking will help me create gold, well... that doesnt matter. I'm sure it helps somehow. Since now I am fairly sure that creating gold out of a bedsheet is difficult if not impossible... I shall now take a new route. ROUTE 66 STRAIGHT UP GOLD HIGHWAY ONE BITCH!! Take the trip with me... if you're lucky I might throw you some gold at the end of it. And if you're unlucky... well then you'll see me laughing at you whilst beating you with a big stick away from my giant pile of gold.

1. I figure gold has more in common with another metal than a fucking bedsheet. Man what the fuck was I thinking?! After a quick inspection of my general vicinity I come up with three metal objects. A Knife. A Fork. A Spoon. I select the fork. Why?? Because spoons are overrated and I have no need for a golden knife. I run the fork under a running tap for five minutes.
Result: Wet fork. No gold. Beginning to wonder if water is the answer here.

2. Okay so water is probably out. HEAT. OF COURSE. I place the fork on the ledge in the sun for a few hours and then return.
Result: No change. Bits of gravel attached to underside of fork from being placed on the ground. Bits of gravel do not seem to be gold.

3. But hold on ONE COTTON PICKIN MINUTE HERE. How exactly can I be sure the gravel isnt gold? I call up a local laboratory. They tell me analysis of the sample will take several days and cost several hundred dollars. Since, even if it IS gold, it would be worth about $4.39, I tell them to stuff their test tubes up ther ass.
Result: Depends on whether they actually followed through with my request. I'm guessing broken test tubes.

4. Okay so I've tried liquid... and heat. There's one thing I havent tried. GAS!! But how the fudge am I supposed to get gas?? Oh of course... it is so simple. So deviously, fiendishly simple! I ingest a can of baked beans.
Result: Fork now smells noticeably different than before. Still seems like stainless steel though. Methane obviously not the miracle cure here. Probably should have seen it coming, as I'm sure forks have been farted on for centuries, and if somehow gold resulted from this, I probably would have heard about it. Becoming slightly frustrated.

5. It's time to open pandora's box. Water didnt work. Heat did squat. Gas accomplished a great amount of fuck all. So let's do what any good scientist would do and combine all three in a potent cocktail of gold creating madness. Or something. I take a match, light it and pass wind. The flame created is directed at the fork which I immediately run over to the tap to put it out with water.
Result: Pants on fire. Second degree burns. No gold.

6. Just before hurling this God forsaken fork out of the window I had an epiphany. Just like Einstein when he thought of relativity I said to myself "EUREKA! I have an idea that will prove to be an adequate description of the functioning of classical reality, until quantum mechanics comes in and buggers everything up at which point scientists will still cling to my outdated theory for 80 years instead of fully investigating the implications of consciousness and the universe proposed by quantum theory, the most accurate theory in the history of science." Okay that was a bad analogy. Let's try again. Just like Homer Simpsons when discovering a peanut he'd dropped on the floor I said to myself 'WOOHOO!' Obviously I can turn this fork into gold with my neverending mind powers, which have so far proved useful in causing plants to grow and taking over the world, not necessarily in that order. I placed the fork down on the table and concentrated really hard.
Result: Nothing. Probably because my concentration was broken by Jehovah's Witnesses knocking on the door. They tried to tell me about my lord and savior Jesus Christ, in particular how he turned water into wine. I asked them if Jesus could turn forks into gold. They answered that yes, as he had the power of God at his fingertips. 'Interesting...' I thought... this saviour fellow may be just what I am looking for... I asked them how I could accomplish this task. They replied that I probably had to be the Son of God.

7. I run back inside to check my genealogy chart.
Result: Turns out that I am the son of one Christopher Lovesy. Unless he has done one fucking great job at disguise these 24 years, I'm pretty fucking hosed.

8. I run back and ask them if there is any biblical prophecy foretelling the coming of a Christopher Lovesy and his messiah son.
Result: They say no.

9. I ask them if they are sure.
Result: They say that they have between them read the Bible more times than Friends repeats have been screened on TV and if it was in there they probably would have picked it up. I take their brochure concerning whether or not masturbation is a sin and shut the door.

10. I return to concentrating on the fork with my mind powers, my last hope for alchemy. Wait a minute... HOLY CRAP!! Something is happening!!
Result: I bent the fork with my mind. How this helps me exactly I'm not sure. It's probably not even the fork that bent, and only myself. Thanks stupid Matrix spoon boy.

11. Okay damn you I give up! Take your stupid bent fork and use it to skewer foods that are located at diffcult angles on your fucking plate!
Result: I failed. No need to fucking rub it in.

So basically, my efforts came to a bent fork and a brochure telling me that hell awaits me. Fan fucking tasmic. What of course I didnt tell you here, is that I went back to my bedroom and 3 hours later came up with a plan that actually worked, and left me with a whole utensil drawer full of solid gold. How did I do this? What you think I'm going to tell you on a public blog? Keep dreaming. Oh boy I bet a certain someone is glad they're marrying my rich ass now!

I am Here... and Now I'm Getting Married.

Hello and welcome to the blog that defies the second law of thermodynamics. That's right, this blog gets more and more awesome as time goes on. In fact, it is the Greatest Blog Alive. Don't even fucking dare to point out that the blog is not in fact alive. It issues forth from me, and I am alive, thus making it alive by proxy and due to bizarre laws on quantum mechanics. And when I'm no longer inhabiting this mortal plane, it will become the Greatest Blog of the Afterlife.

I will be posting unbelievable amounts of crap on here on a weekly basis, both stuff from the archives of classic facebook notes, and new stuff, rants and random paraphenalia whenever the urge to please my 2 and a half fans strikes me.

But first and most importantly... now that this blog exists... please everybody congratulate me on my engagement. That's right Ms. Chester will now officially become Mrs Lovesy (pending negotations, where she will no doubt refuse to take my god awful horrible name). Here is the documented proof of contractual consent:

Juelles Chester: Bahahahahahaha. I will (marry you). When you start your blog. I said it.

Now that we're here I only have one question to ask. Red or White roses for the reception?