Thursday, December 16, 2010

Philosophy to Ponder

If you divided your brain in two, placed one half each in two separate heads and then filled in the other half of each head with other people's brain halves, which one of the two is you? The answer must be either one of them, Both of them or Neither of them. But how are ANY of these possibilities consistent with the fact that you are your brain? If only one of them is you, why that one and not the other? Experiments have demonstrated that people maintain their selfhood and consciousness after one of their entire brain hemispheres is removed. So what if both of them are you? But the key and defining property of a self is surely unity and singularity; but how is this even possible if you are two people at the same time? Are you somehow conscious of being in two places at once even though this seems clearly impossible as there is no physical link left between the hemispheres? So that must mean neither of them are you... but why not? Surely if your mind is your brain you should still be somewhere as your entire original brain is still operational! It seems to be that this thought experiment demonstrates the necessity of some unitary principle that exists apart from physical matter.

If you had a Star Trek transporter, which disassembled every atom of your body and reassembled it somewhere else, is that person still you? After all you have been destroyed and a completely new material version has been constructed. Again, both possibilities seem to demonstrate the falsity of materialism. If that person is still you, under materialism it really shouldn't be, because the entire physical constituents of your original body has been removed, at that point under materialism you should have ceased to exist. If that person isn't still you, however materialism suggests it should be, because the new version is in all respects identical to the first. So materialism is left in the precarious position of seeming to make paradoxical predictions. And an idea that contradicts itself cant really be true can it? It's like the concept of a married bachelor, which is clearly impossible.

Finally, strict forms of materialism (excluding things like epiphenomenalism, which holds that the mind is not strictly matter but is a useless, causally ineffectual byproduct of matter. Epiphenomenalism is wrong for a whole host of OTHER reasons ;)) hold that the mind and the brain are identical. However, applying Leibniz's law of identicalities to this issue leads to utter ridiculousness. Leibniz's law (which is a philosophically complicates way of saying 'common sense' it seems) states that if two things are identical then if one thing has a certain property, the other must have the same property. This seems obvious. Now apply this to the materialist statement 'Your consciousness is your brain'. Your brain is a physical object that exists inside your skull, it has mass, location in space and objective properties. Does your consciousness have WEIGHT?? Uh... WRONG. Saying your thoughts and awareness have weight seems obviously absurd. Plus, your consciousness has SUBJECTIVE properties when it seems your brain is purely objective. Oh this ain't looking good for materialism. Now let's apply things the other way. Your consciousness has CONTENT. For example, your belief that there is a tree in your backyard is ABOUT the tree. Now how exactly can a set of neurons be ABOUT something? How can physical objects such as neurons contain references to things outside of themselves? I've yet to hear any good reason why they can or should. So there's another point of difference. It seems obvious that this proposition monumentally fails the test. Maybe if you disagree you can weigh your consciousness for me.

Alright I am done. Go here for a refutation of epiphenomenalism:

Yes, obviously I have been moving away from the levity and humour of senseless topics lately, but have no fear... I shall be returning to them soon when I present the next entry: Scott's list of his greatest Mancrushes. Keep it real, and dont be a materialist. ;)

Monday, December 13, 2010

Who is Insane?? Me or The World?

Welcome to a momentous event. There comes a time in every person like me's life, when they look out at the world and says "Wow... me and the average Joe Schmo Society Bot are pretty much complete opposites." Obviously this would imply that I am a freak because there are a whole fuckload more of them then there are of me. This would be true. BUT. If me and the world are opposites, then that would imply that one of us is sane, and one of us is insane. Which begs the question, who is sane... me or the world??

Obviously I would be an improper and biased judge of such a question. Thus I shall call upon the wisdom of the eternal ipod, imbued with knowledge and truth. There are different categories and issues which I shall be presenting the views of myself and The World, and then I will fire up the ipod's shuffle function and the first song title that comes up will decide whose point of view is sane and whose is insane. Whichever point of view is best supported in the song title wins. So let's get to it.

ISSUE ONE (Desires in Life)

Me: What do I want?? To love others unconditionally.

The World: What do I want?? Oh my gosh dude! A squillion dollars for one thing!! Flat screen tv... yacht... private jet, maybe a helicopter. A bevvy of hot chicks/guys or maybe just one who will do everything I say. They had better damn well shut up too, I don't want no jip. A mansion. Hells yeah. Maybe some bling. Maybe we can sum it all up by saying that I want STUFF STUFF STUFF!! WHOO! SHORT SIGHTEDNESS!

THE DECISION: 'Everlasting' by Dark the Suns

Since nothing that the World has listed is everlasting, obviously the ipod is favouring my sanity in this one.

Scott: 1, The World: 0

ISSUE TWO (The best part about being human)

Scott: The greatest human invention is music. I will also accept literature, films or art as a correct and worthy answer to this question.

The World: The greatest human invention is whatever helps make my existence that little bit more easy. As long as I don't have to think, I'm all good! Cellphones baby. Fucking auto text function FOR THE WIN! Typing out full words is so passee! Now the phone tells me what I want to say and condenses it to some abomination of a contraction. Now if only they'd invent something that did my housework for me, and peed for me, and got my mail for me. Oh, I forgot money. I love money!!

THE DECISION: 'Soul Society' by Kamelot.

Well this is a difficult one to determine. My perspective certainly has more soul... but the world is definitely the Society. Call it a draw!

Scott: 2, The World: 1

ISSUE THREE (The Purpose of Life)

Me: Philosophically speaking, the issue of the purpose of life depends upon both the existence of God and the existence of some form of afterlife. Don't fucking argue with me because I can demonstrate this fact. If life is not eternal then it is TEMPORAL, ie: limited in time. If life is TEMPORAL, then all possible purpose attached to it is also TEMPORAL. A temporal life can not have lasting purpose. Let's say you discover something historic that changes the face of human existence. That would be a lasting purpose to your life right, even if you're not around forever to witness it? Uh, no. Because eventually the sun will burn out, humanity will either perish or move on and eventually and inevitably will die out. At this point any purpose attached to your life is moot and redundant. This point is fairly unanimous amongst philosophers. Good thing that there is bountiful evidence for survival of consciousness after death and solid rigorous arguments in favour of God, plus, materialistic atheism collapses under its only self contradictions. Why haven't you heard of this? Because you were too busy worrying about your hair extensions or that turbo engine you want to buy. Anyway, I take the purpose of life, if indeed there is one to be a progression towards a state of pure love, a learning experience in the school of Earthly hard knocks, because if you can actually achieve pure love here, you can probably make it anywhere.

The World: Probably some worthless bilge along the lines of "The purpose of life is to have FUN!". As I have already demonstrated, attributing such things to be an actual purpose of life is spurious at best. On your useless presumed materialist worldview (I have noticed most people are de facto materialists, in that they are materialists but dont know it, and tend to be shocked when you point out how ridiculous materialism actually is) in 200 years nobody will care that you had fun, least of all your extinct ass. Really The World here has two choices, deny all purpose and embrace existential despair or do some homework and open your mind to possibilities. OF course, The World will do neither and continue to meander along in fantasy land proclaiming the purpose of life to be to enjoy oneself, or to make as much money as possible or any other useless badly thought out contrivance.

THE DECISION: 'Dancing with Eternal Glory' by Transatlantic.

No shit!! That really just came up first go! Perfect! Obviously there is something to be said for divine intervention after all.

Scott: 3 The World: 1

ISSUE FOUR (Human relationships)

Me: Should be based on love and freedom. Restrictions are only limitations of self and expressions of fear. You will never have true security, even in marriage so stop pretending its possible and take it as it comes. Respect differences, do not punish them. Be honest. Don't conceal things.

The World: Apparently should be based on fear and restriction. Restrictions are safety nets to protect you from getting hurt! Security is POSSIBLE as long as you keep your partner under the gun on a regular basis and threaten them with losing half their possessions if they transgress! Punish differences, do not respect them. Lie to keep the peace. Conceal pretty much everything. Out of fear.

THE DECISION: 'Fearless' by Sylvan. Divinity appears once again, thank you Mr. Ipod ;)

FINAL SCORE: Scott 4, The World 1

There you have it, the world is nutso crazy. I feel vindicated. :)

Sunday, December 12, 2010

I have no qualifications... so believe this guy instead

This is a follow up to the previous post. This is what a group of real scientists have to say on the matter of positing randomness and chance as an explanation for the origin of life.

"It seems to us that the frozen-accident theory of life's origin is at best unsatisfying, and may be unworthy of the scientific way of approaching the world. To say that a natural process is random is, in effect, an act of surrender, something that should be done only as a last resort. If you read the frozen-accident literature carefully, you often get the feeling that what is really being said is: "My friends and I can't figure out why things happened this way, so it must have been random."

- Harold Morowitz, Robert Hazan, and James Trefil, Chronicle of Higher Education (September 2, 2005),

Chance and Randomness Can Get Fucked

This is a strange one from me, but it is necessary. Today I am going to rant about the FUCKING BONEHEADED bilge that has infiltrated nearly every mainstream academic publication that I read that the explanation of pretty much fucking everything is 'Time, Chance and Randomness'. Why life originated on earth? Chance. Why organisms evolved? Randomness and time. Why there's a universe in the fucking first place? Randomness. Chance.

Get fucked. Seriously, get fucked and die. CHANCE IS AN EXPLANATION OF NOTHING. STOP PRETENDING IT IS. It is an intellectual copout and a way of fucking appearing intelligent when in fact by postulating fucking chance and randomness all you're saying is "Yeah we have no fucking idea of the causes involved here. But still, give us our research money, tomorrow we're going to allocate something else fundamental to our existence to random happenstance!! Yay Science!!"

I must apologise for getting technical with some maths... but it is unavoidable. Physicist Roger Penrose estimates the chances of us lucking randomly into the universe we have, with its parameters set the way they are (funnily enough to allow complex life to prosper and consciousness to express itself, hey how lucky!!) is... wait for it... First you take 10 then add 10 zeroes at the end of it, giving 100,000,000,000... then you kinda take that number and multiply it by itself ONE HUNDRED AND THREE FUCKING TIMES. After you have done this, you are left with a number so fucking large that the amount of zeroes it has actually outnumbers every particle in the entire universe. So you have one chance in that fucking incomprehensible number of producing a universe that supports life by chance. How lucky we are!! Whoo! Party!! Fuck off. Chance can suck a fat one. That number is so large, 'mathematically impossible' covers it quite nicely.

Oh but we cant stop there! So right now we've got a one in a number with a universe of zeroes after it that we get a universe like this one that can support complex life. Now we have to have the origin of life on this planet arise through... yup, random chance!! So what chance do we have for that? Well zero. But we'll humor the chance bots on this one. The chances of getting a functional protein required for the simplest known living cellular organism is estimated at 10 to the power of 70. That's one in 10 with 70 zeroes after it. Oh but oops... the simplest living organism needs 200 OF THESE PROTEINS TO FORM, ALL AT THE SAME TIME!!! THAT'S 10 WITH 70 ZEROES AFTER IT MULTIPLIED BY ITSELF 200 TIMES!!! THEN IT NEEDS THEM TO MIRACULOUSLY SORT THEMSELVES INTO THE CORRECT FUNCTIONING ORDER WITH THE CORRECT CHEMICAL BONDS BETWEEN THEM AND NONE OF THE PROTEINS CAN BE RIGHT ALIGNED AT ALL. I'm sorry, your materialistic assumptions have long since crushed my credulity under the sheer weight of bullshit you are expecting me to swallow here.

GET ME A REAL FUCKING EXPLANATION OR GET FUCKED. And people think accepting the existence of God is somehow intellectually vacuous?? No, it is sensible, when faced with such tenditious bullshit. Chance can go suck on a dick, oh wait... no it can't, chance isn't even a causal fucking agent. It can't DO anything. Randomness can never even be established, so stop defending it and then pretending you're objective and not a faith driven ideologue.

Materialism. Banking on odds so long it is comparable to winning the Powerball jackpot 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 weeks in a row yet still claiming to be sensible. Obviously if materialism was a human being, it would be the guy in the mental ward claiming that he is a fifty six tentacled squid monster from the planet Rygil 87 with powers to transform Purple Jelly Beans into coal. But only purple ones.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Human nature moments on Survivor

I'm sure I have professed my love for Survivor on this blog many a time, but it really is the best reality show of all time and lapses easily into the best tv ideas ever. Put strangers on an island or in the wild, get them to survive together all the while jostling for positioning in a strategic game of socialising, politics and group dynamics. It's like a window into our collective psyche sometimes... and sometimes through the window you see weird ass shit that reminds you just how eclectic the human race can be. Here are some.

1. Courtney vs Bruce, the Zen garden incident from Exile Island.

Bruce the old asian man decides that work around camp can be put on the back burner in favour of building a zen rock garden on the beach for purposes of relaxation and meditation. This pisses off the entire rest of the tribe. Then Courtney, the crazy girl everyone hates decides to use Bruce's zen garden to do her yoga, thus pissing off Bruce. Yes, they are on a deserted island trying to survive and the biggest issue is the construction of a rock garden and other people using it for yoga. Humanity.

2. Erinn gets pissy about Coach suffering more than her in Tocantins.

Erinn, a young 20 something girl fresh off a bad break up comes on Survivor and does fairly well. She is sent by her alliance of J.T and Stephen to the exile island because she is the only one they trust to tell them if there is another immunity idol hidden there or not. There isn't, and she suffers in the storm with meagre food for 48 hours. A few episodes later Coach, the outdoorsman, renaissance man and adventurer (aka the greatest man alive) gets sent to exile and vows he will do it the monastic way. He's going to go out there for 48 hours, not eat or drink a single thing and try to reach spiritual enlightenment through suffering. Remarkably this pisses off Erinn for some stupid reason who thinks he is trying to downplay her suffering on Exile when really I'm sure he's thinking "What bitch?! You think I'm going to go out there and starve myself for 48 hours just to make a 20 year old brat look weak? Get off it woman!". So basically in a nutshell you have a girl getting pissed off because someone else is suffering and she wanted to be the one who suffered most. Sense. This makes it. Humanity.

3. Shambo has a bad dream in Samoa.

Shambo is a 45 year old former military woman with a mullet. Yeah I know, that might be all you need to know right there. But she also has SCARY PRECOGNITIVE DREAMS. So scary in fact, that they cause her to vote out her own allies!! One night, Shambo wakes up after having a nightmare regarding her teammate 'Danger' Dave Ball, a guy who has spent nearly 22 days attempting to placate Shambo, play down her eccentricities and keep her in the game as a loyal ally. Without a moment's reflection this is all she needs to decide that Dave is evil and needs to go home. She goes and tells the diabolical Russell Hantz, who only wants to use her as a pawn to get himself to the end (and had burned his own tribe's socks just to make them suffer more in the rain, class act really). Russell plays into her delusions and tells her that it must be 'a sign from God' that Dave has some bad intentions. She flips it up and Dave goes home. All because she had a bad dream. So I guess in her real life if she had a bad dream about a friend, and there is no game of Survivor to stop her, she's going to butcher him in his sleep. Humanity.

4. Shane Powers threatens to murder Courtney, Courtney more concerned with her apartment in Panama.

Shane Powers (who is AWESOME) on day 5 of the game swears on his son's life that he will be loyal to Courtney, Aras and Danielle for the rest of the game. Only problem is... Courtney is a nutball and he grows to DESPISE her. But he cant vote her out, because he promised on his son's life who is the only thing that matters to Shane. So hilariously he is forced to live with her for the remaining 34 days. One day tensions come to a head between the odd couple and Shane when discussing the next vote points his finger in her face and proclaims "If you stab me in the back, I will come to your shitty little apartment and fucking kill you." Courtney reels back slightly and comes back with an absolute gem. "My apartment isn't little!" Humanity.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The Juelles Scott Blog Crossover :P

Here is my comments on the awesome Juelles and her retrospective of visiting New Zealand. By our awesome commenting powers combined we will surely manage to explode the space time continuum. Original comments from Juelles are marked with my crap noted underneath ;)

Juelles: New Zealand: Australia’s Little Brother

Scott: The cooler, better looking little brother. That doesn't get drunk and punch you in the eye like the older brother does.

Juelles: I spent the last three days in Auckland with my beloved blog icon and friend, Mr. Scott Lovesy.

Scott: No, I did not make that up, she actually said these things. :P

Juelles: Most of the time consisted of me laying around in my pajamas until 1PM refusing to get dressed and stuffing my face with candies supplied by Scott’s mom. And watching cricket (boo) and rugby (surprisingly cool).

Scott: I have nothing to correct with this summation ;) Except one fatal mistake. Bashing cricket. Obviously a game that goes for five days and still might end in a draw isnt exactly everyone's cup of tea... but I like pointlessly long things that waste a crapload of time!! Look at my music tastes for God's sake!! :P I also found it funny to have come home from work after 6 hours of working to find her asleep. Mwahaha. I loved it!!

Juelles: I also engaged in some intellectual conversations about what exactly a kiwi-bird (New Zealand’s official mascot) is:

“It’s like a chicken?”
“But it’s the size of a chicken and it can’t fly”.
“Stupid American”.

Scott: I dont believe I called you stupid. That is not my style. My style is more to roll my eyes and wordlessly IMPLY that you are stupid. ;) But anyway, Juelles' point is utterly self refuting. She even posted a picture of a kiwi bird showing specifically how un chicken like it looks. :)

Juelles: Dude, it looks like a chicken with a long beak. Take that, Lovesy.


Scott: It's BROWN. It's beak is very thin and LONG. It's hunched over and NOT UPRIGHT. Saying it looks like a chicken is like saying a dog looks like a smaller zebra with less stripes.

Anyway. :)

Juelles: It felt nice to chill out, sleep in and recharge my batteries for a few days. Compared to Australia it’s freezing in Auckland. Scott and I rode the bus all over town. We went to the zoo and looked around. We ate at Denny’s which proved to be just as craptastic as it is back home.

Scott: Denny's is so bad that it's good. Mark my words I will never rant against Denny's. It has never done me wrong so far. And yes, Auckland is freezing compared to Australia. But again that's like saying any regular place is freezing compared to the Sahara Desert. I would have thought a better thing to say was that Auckland's weather is kind of like Scott's mood at the world, rough, highly changeable and utterly unpredictable by any form of logic. :P

Juelles: We drove around and ate lunch on the beach. I saw a biker gang at one of the pubs. I am going to puke if I eat any more “chips” (french fries).

Scott: Blasphemy!! You must eat more freedom fries. And some liberty burgers.

Juelles: We spent most of the time driving around, sitting around and eating.

Scott: Which is basically my dream lifestyle, so we cant have gone too much wrong on that one ;)

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Proxy Rant: The Skinny Smackdown

*Disclaimer: Because people are overly P.C and sensitive, and may not get the point, none of the following is intended to bash people who actually have anorexia which is a serious condition. This is for all the dipshits who don't have it, and have no perspective :P*

Before I get to the proxy rant, I first feel that I must recuse myself for in fact, being skinny. :P However, at least I have never maintained a desperate need to drop some weight.

"Oh my God, like totally look at me! If I had a Latin classification it would be Flabbius Maximus! Like totally! This is like, so totally devastating! I gotta lose some weight!!"

Seriously, if I see some skinny fuckwit ranting in their status updates about how they need to shed some serious poundage to even be able to look in the mirror I'll walk over there and provide them with my own personal version of liposuction, by ripping their tiny guts out with rusty meathooks. Too far?? Never!

Do you people like, go up to a dwarf and then go, "You know what, I'm just too TALL. I wish I could be SHORTER." If you did I guarantee you'd receive a short, sharp dwarven knife right in your fucking calf. That's as high as they can reach after all. Do you go up to an amputee and go "You know, I wish I fucking had less LIMBS." He'd rip off his artificial prostheses and beat your dumb ass over the head with them. So how about some goddamn PERSPECTIVE you socially illiterate piece of 'I turn sideways and I disappear' garbage? Because some people out there turn sideways and the result is measured on the fucking Richter Scale. Meanwhile, if you actually fulfilled your wish and dropped some weight I'd hate to think of where it would come from. Maybe there's still some scraps in between your rib cage. Maybe your toothpick chicken legs have something left to give.

Look, maybe I've been too hard on these people. Maybe they just grew up with a steady diet of Vogue Magazine and the fucking Fashion Channel 24/7. If so, I can see why you think you're fat. Because the girls on these networks used to have jobs as being the spears that athletes throw around every four years at the Olympics. Compared to them you are indeed a rolling rumbling sea of flab and girth. However, you could also fit about 78 of them in a Mini. So maybe, just MAYBE these shaved pencils aren't exactly the best point of comparison. Maybe actual men like I don't know, ME, wouldn't want someone to look like that because for fuck's sake I'd be afraid of touching them, THEY MIGHT SNAP. I'd be afraid of coughing around them BECAUSE THE WIND FORCE MIGHT SEND THEM CRASHING HEADLONG INTO THE WALL.

So basically, in summation... stop posting idiotic crap about needing to lose weight on your facebook, you know, unless you're one of those ever growing lardballs who needs a crane to lift you out of bed. Actually, that's perfect. I call it 'The Crane Test'. Do YOU need a crane to get out of bed in the morning? No. Then skull back a nice tall glass of shut the fuck up juice and get some damn self esteem. I heard they sell it on EBay.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Random Thoughts Part Four

1. Why do so many people feel the need to ask How much wood a woodchuck could chuck? Seriously, wouldn't the more pertinent question be Who gives a fuck?!

2. I have watched 16 out of 20 seasons of Survivor in the last 4-5 weeks. I have officially crossed the line into Nerd No Man's Land. I like it here actually, finally a place that feels like home.

3. Why are both Diet Coke and Coke Zero on the market?! Aren't they like, the same fucking thing?! No, I don't care about the piddling trifling differences someone will surely bring up in response to this. "One has a slight malty aftertaste". Me telling you to shut the fuck up also has a slight malty aftertaste.

4. The Republicans win the Mid Term US elections. Now watch as they govern EXACTLY like the Democrats and the stupid ass American public get pissed off at them, not realising their system is a giant fucking sham.

5. I woke up in the middle of the night yesterday and thought a vicious dog was on top of me ready to attack for a good 10-15 seconds. Turned out to be a pillow. It was freaky though. Probably a mild form of that sleep paralysis thing where aliens come in and steal you away while you're totally paralysed. Sounds like a good time to me.

6. Shane Powers: If you betray me I will come to your shitty little apartment and fucking kill you!
Courtney: Hey! My apartment isn't little!
It's quotes like this that are the main reason you should be watching Survivor. :P

7. "The only way Rodger would win immunity is if the challenge was 'Name that Perry Como song' or 'What type of prune is this?'" - Rob Cesternino
Here is another :P

8. I love youse.

9. Fox News: Fair and Balanced. Like a black man being pelted with tomatoes by white people whilst standing on a 1 inch beam. Nice try Fox News.

10. I LOVE CRICKET SEASON!!! Watching every ball of a 5 day test is the absolute best way to distract you from the fact that you have no friends.

11. Last week I had the opportunity to eat steak 3 consecutive nights in a row. I copped out and ate Satay Chicken from Denny's instead. Dammit, I was so close to being a real man and then I copped out.

12. Alright now back to watching Survivor: China. ;)

Saturday, November 6, 2010

The Invasion of the Chester

I am lazy and thus am refusing to write a retrospective of WORLD FAMOUS SUPERMODEL Juelles Chester and her visit to my place in New Zealand. Go here instead. :P

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Manos: The Hands of Fate!!

Yesterday I watched the greatest movie that has ever been made. Bar none.

Sure there have been great great movies over the years. Your Matrixes, your Lord of the Rings, your Star Wars, your Requiem for a Dreams and the like. But this film surpasses them all. A certain 1966 horror/sci fi film by the name of MANOS: HANDS OF FATE!!!

As you have gathered by now, I am joking. This is easily the worst movie I have ever seen, some parts literally made me baffled at the sheer totality of badness. There are scenes that are there and don't make sense (well the whole plot makes no sense, but there are scenes which don't even fit into the plot that makes no sense), there are numerous sound and editing errors such as the film clipboard being flashed into about 3 different scenes (LOL) and basically it's all just so so terrible. I could watch this movie over and over again, and I will. I want to show it to everyone I know... just so I can watch their sheer "WHAT THE FUCK?!" reaction.

So what are you waiting for. Go buy the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Essential Collection DVD that has MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE on it. You will thank me for it.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Classic Crap: The Weird People I Have to Deal With on a Daily Basis

Yes, people be forewarned because this is a cutting, tell all expose on the many, many MANY strange, bizarre, and downright freaky people that seem to live around my area and frequent my place of business. Standing behind a shop counter armed with a degree in psychology and English in order to eloquently describe this freak show, I am exposed to the dregs of society. And if it is this bad here... lord knows how bad it is in areas that are SUPPOSED to be bad and contain freaks, you know like Remuera or Gulf Harbour or something.

All names have been changed to nicknames to protect the identities of the people in question, and me from their inhuman wrath. Note all that is written here is true.

1. Old Lady Icicle

'Old Lady Icicle' has been frequently entering the shop on the days of Saturday and Sunday between the hours of 8 and 10am for as long as this intrepid sightseer can remember. Every day it is the same routine. She picks up the Herald, and on every second day a 4 pack of toilet rolls and deposits them in front of me for payment. I would ask why this little old lady seems to burn through four toilet rolls a day but some things I would rather be left a mystery. Even weirder, just seconds after placing her products down her hands will shiver and she will say "Its cold out there." I mean EVERY LAST TIME. Seriously, there has not been a time where she has neglected to inform me, using those words exactly that it is in fact 'cold out there'. Yes, even in summer. I'm serious. She could be overlooking an erupting Mt Vesuvius in a thermal jacket and it would still be cold out there. Like a public service announcement, she continues to repeat her words every single day, as if she forgets that she says the SAME DAMN THING EVERY DAMN DAY. Seriously, its like being stuck in a time vortex. Sometimes I wonder if its groundhog day. The worst thing is... next Saturday it will be the same thing. NO SCOTT THERE IS NO ESCAPE FROM OLD LADY ICICLE AND HER PROCLAMATIONS OF THE CURRENT OUTSIDE CHILL FACTOR.

2. The Sloth

Subject two, or 'The Sloth' is another regular who according to Scott's boss has been coming in ever since he acquired the shop. Again the pattern is similar. Every day he comes in, requests two single cigars and saunters out. The thing is... I have dubbed him the sloth for a reason, in that this guy is in no danger of setting any land speed records. The way he walks in as if he was a snail crawling through glue and digs around in his wallet for change you can actually FEEL YOURSELF AGING. If there are any customers waiting in line behind him, I feel like offering them a tent and some firewood because its going to be a long vigil. Congratulations 'The Sloth', all the time I spent serving you I could be on my fifth novel by now.

3. The Mummy

Oh the Mummy, how much sleep you have caused me to lose with your endless mystery. He is called the Mummy because every single day he comes in and buys a full pack of bandages. What for you ask?? Your guess is as good as mine. Leading theories between me and my boss are that he's into self multilation (me), he is selling them on some bizarre bandage black market (my boss) or he is using them to wallpaper his house... very gradually (me). None of us want to ask... because my boss is afraid of losing his patronage and I'm afraid of finding out the real answer. Even the thought right now makes me shiver

4. Mrs Happy

Shudder. Mrs Happy has arrived. An Australian woman with the most annoying voice and bouncy personality. She bounds into the shop like she's just been injected with the biggest dose of ecstasy this side of Dave's house and proudly greets you in such a way that you would think you are the grand ayatollah. She purchases her Woman's Day and three dollar instant kiwi and bounds out with that hideous gaping smile on her face. Seriously, I have never seen her anything but mindlessly happy and that concerns me a great deal. THERE IS NO POSSIBLE REASON TO BE THIS HAPPY. LOOK AT THE WORLD. ITS MISERY. Luckily a few months ago she packed up and moved back to Australia, taking her disgusting enthusiasm for existence far away from me. All I can say is that my desire to go to Australia, which I thought could not get any lower, just did.

5. The '5 cents off' woman.

Oh dont get me started on you. Oh wait, too late. You all remember when the five cent coins became obsolete right?? How everything that was 2.95 either increased to 3 bucks or went down to 2.90. Only the problem was the old price stickers on chips still said 2.95 instead of 3.00. Cue the stupidest argument Scott has ever been a part of, and trust me I've argued with my mum and Kat, so I know all about pure moronic stupidity being presented to me as an argument. She berates me for three solid minutes after I enter 3.00 instead of 2.95. SERIOUSLY BITCH ITS FIVE CENTS. THATS NOT EVEN HIGH ENOUGH TO BE THE LOWEST PIECE OF CURRENCY ANYMORE. So after I stop feeling gung ho about pushing my position and start feeling annoyed that this unpleasant lardball is calling me incompetent I give in and enter the damn 5 cent discount into the eftpos machine. Congratulations, I hope you used the spare 5 cents to buy yourself a brain, a personality and liposuction. I know this sounds harsh, but if you heard the things she was calling me for attempting to perpetuate THE GREAT FIVE CENT SWINDLE ON HER POOR BANK ACCOUNT you would understand.

Monday, October 18, 2010

You Know Things are Fucked Up with Humanity When...

1. Relationships can be ruined by one party telling the other that they love them.

2. Relationships can be ruined by one party daring to express love for another human being.

3. People get paid 300,000 pounds a WEEK to run around on a field kicking a ball into the goal. Other people get paid 40,000 a YEAR for trying to turn around the lives of troubled young people. Good job world.

4. Twilight is the most popular literature of the 21st century.

5. If Shakespeare was around today, he would be ignored in favour of Twilight by a grand majority of human beings. Fairly galling.

6. The leading scientific theory of the origin of life is that lightning struck some mud. (I Fucking WISH I was joking).

7. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are front page news in spite of the fact that 99.999999999999% of humanity has never met them, talked to them, interacted with them in any way shape or form. This is more important than human rights crises in Rwanda, Zimbabwe, China and North Korea.

Some of this shit just irks me. Especially fucking 1 and 2. Probably why I'm going to die alone :P

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Scott dismantles 'Old Sayings'

I HATE Old Sayings. You know, those pieces of turd wisdom passed down through the eons that have now become so cliche. Crap like "The Early bird gets the worm", and all that rot. Well I for one am sick of hearing these nuggets of shit, and hearing people think they're so clever when they pronounce them mindlessly and think they're fucking Confucius. I will now demonstrate why some of these old sayings are worthless, and hopefully the sheer force of this blog post that nobody will read will leak out into the sonisphere and abolish these sayings forever somehow. That's right hope springs eternal.

1. "The Early Bird gets the Worm"

May as well start off with the one I already mentioned. Now right off the bat I see three things wrong with this rotting piece of verbal greuhl. One, I don't want a fucking worm. They are gross. Two, I'm not a bird and don't actually have to get up early and do unnecessary labor for the right to eat food. You know, because there's such things as supermarkets that are open all day so I can sleep in and still get food. I mean fuck, who came up with this shit? Third... this metaphorical saying infers that the person who drags themselves out of bed at 4:30am or something to slave away at the salt mines will end up better off than the guy who gets to the salt mines on time. Well I disagree with this fucking premise. See, the guy who gets up on time for the salt mines is obviously better off because he has THREE EXTRA HOURS OF SLEEP THAT HE ISN'T SPENDING IN THE BLOODY MINES. So I never want to hear this shit again.

2. "Never look a gift horse in the mouth."

Hey... why not?? Why can't I look the gift horse in the mouth?? It is a GIFT isn't it? So you're giving me a gift, and then telling me how I can and cant use it?? So you're teaching conditional love and conditional giving? What a heart warming message. Get stuffed. I'll look my damn gift horse wherever the fuck I want to look at it. And if you've got a problem with that, DON'T GIVE IT TO ME.

3. "A rolling stone gathers no moss"

I don't roll stones, and it doesn't bother me a jot if stones get moss on them. NEXT. What? Be serious you say? Okay fine. this saying encourages me to keep doing things all the time so I don't get moss on me or something. Well fuck that. I'll take the moss and be lazy.

4. "All good things come to he who waits"

You know, something about my personal experience tells me that this saying is a load of fecal matter the size of Olympus Mons (that's the largest mountain in the solar system for all you less informed). I have waited for 24 years. So far very few good things have just spontaneously fucking arrived. Since the saying is not "Very few good things come to he who waits", it says ALL I'm bringing out my bullshit stamp. ALL? ALL?! I fucking wish. That means every possible pleasurable experience will just land itself in my lap if I do nothing. EVERY LAST ONE IN THE FREAKING UNIVERSE OF POSSIBILITIES. Well I am skeptical. Of course, since I hope this saying is true so much, I will keep right on waiting. I'm sure my perfect mate is going to knock on the door and throw themselves into my arms any day now.

5. "Boys will be Boys."

Oh dear lord there are no words. The sheer pointlessness makes me stomach churn. Allow me to demonstrate. Replace both instances of the word 'Boys' with ANY COLLECTIVE NOUN WHATSOEVER. Does it change the meaning or provide any enlightenment at all? NO.

Plants will be plants.
Labradors will be labradors.
Fat people with lycra encrusted into their rolls will be fat people with lycra encrusted into their rolls.
Wooden planks will be wooden planks.

See? Gee, thanks for this saying. It has really provided a great fucking educational benefit to society. Why don't you go and point out the sky is blue and the Earth is round while you're at it. Or maybe "Don't stop breathing. It's not healthy." THANK YOU NUMBNUTS. Now take a one way trip to Get Fucked. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars.

I'll be back someday with more old sayings... because unfortunately they are seemingly more numerous than bacteria.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Scott Rants About 'The Right to Not be Offended'

I was minding my own business the other day, wallowing in my own crapulence mostly. And then on the radio I hear... the most egregious horse manure that has ever laced the airwaves. "People have the right not to be offended" the talkback caller proclaimed with total and utter moral certitude.


Look, since I don't know this for sure, I'm going to give you, Mrs Caller, the benefit of the doubt and believe that you are not a living breathing human being but an inanimate cyborg of stupidity programmed by the talkback radio station to fart out to most bafflingly incompetent soundbites of all time. Yes, that IS giving you the benefit of the doubt. Because otherwise I'd be forced to believe you are ACTUALLY a human being living on MY planet that has somehow managed to live long enough to reach adulthood in the most scathing indictment of the welfare system I have ever before witnessed.

People have THE RIGHT NOT TO BE OFFENDED?!?! Oh I get it. I see what's happened. I fell asleep last night and woke up in fucking mirror world where all my most hideous nightmares of dumb opinions come to horrific life and aurally molest me with their intransigence. Look you cannot possibly BE this stupid. I cant believe I actually have to point this out... but what offends you is SUBJECTIVE. That means you cant fucking legislate rights based on it you overwhelming nincompoop shithead. But I'll humor you. And then proceed to INTELLECTUALLY DECIMATE you with a flick of my proverbial wrist.

If people have the right not to be offended, then I have the right not to be offended. Your stupidity offends me. Therefore I demand you be outlawed from my ariwaves, removed from my society and deposited into someone else's jail system where you can rot in the filth of your own feculance. I have the right after all. Your stupidity is henceforth ILLEGAL. Oh, and talkback radio itself offends me. See ya. ABOLISHED. Being forced to work for a living offends me. Guess people will give me money for free now. Women turning me down offends me. Oh shit, sucks to be them, they cant say no to me now.

The dumb. It's everywhere.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

A Plug for My Work in Progress

Currently I am rather embroiled in writing my next book. (I have written two others, which are parts one and two of a story cycle. They are slightly amateurish but I am still proud of them.)

My current work of which I am around 56,000 words into is Part One of what may turn out to be as many as a 7 or 8 part epic series (My ideas are always way more epic than I can too justice to!). It concerns two children who are born on opposite sides of the world on the same day. Their names are Caleb and Christian, and little do they or anyone around them know, but they are predestined to both make the most crucial choice that life anywhere in the universe has ever before made. One has a life of tragedy and emotional emptiness, the other a hard life that is overcome with spiritual truth and love. They are the yin and the yang, the destroyer and the protector so to speak. The overarching story is one of epic scope and grandeur, that encompasses the fate of life as we know it, but it is also a narrow personal story of emotional struggle, and the question of overcoming hardship, and dealing with the problem of finding meaning, and living without love.

Book One is called 'Clockwork Heart' and is sorta like 'Batman Begins' in that it is an origins story detailing Caleb's life and how to came to be who he is. It has a lot of mystery and intrigue as paranormal events abound this newborn child and his father Jonathan is embroiled in a decidedly shady career that seems to wield a mysterious agenda that is worldwide in scope. His mother Mary is a Southern belle plucked from a life of violence and abuse by Jonathan and whisked into a high rolling money drenched world beyond her comprehension. So grateful she is to him that she asks no questions, not knowing exactly who her husband really is, and the fact that his job may be placing their only son in peril. Book Two is another Origins story but this time for Christian, tentatively titled 'Forever May Not be Long Enough'. When it's done I will likely make it available for free for anyone who is interested in reading it.

Graduation Day

I graduated with my Honours degree yesterday and was paraded around town with the rest of the engowned monkeys. Check out the pictures on my facebook profile if you're interested. ;)

Friday, September 24, 2010

Scott Rants Part 098.765

Once upon a time there was darkness. Impenetrable darkness that noone could escape. The world was lost in a hazy fog of malfeasance and incredulity and none realised just how abysmally crap things we take for granted really are. Then one day, from the North came a shining crusader. Clad in silver shining armor and brandishing a flaming halberd of truth and victory he sallied forth on his thunder horse of enlightenment. From that day forth the dark world was brightened at last by the light. That crusader was me. And his flaming halberd was MY RANTING. Let's get to it.

1. Ambition

HA. HAHA. HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!! Oh sorry, you must excuse me, but that is my usual automatic reaction when some sorry societybot informs me that I really need higher ambitions for my life. No. No I do not. And I shall explain why, whilst attempting to be civil and not go over the top about how much of a TURD MUNCHING IGNORAMUS you are. Ambition is fucking pointless. Am I the only one with enough foresight to realise that on my deathbed when I'm looking back over my life I'm not going to give two fucking flying shits about how much money I earned or how many people I stepped on to get the amazing right to waste 8 hours of my day for slightly more useless wads of fucking coloured paper than the rest of you?? I DONT CARE. Just because you are a totally indoctrinated brainless robot who subsumes your identity to the dominant will of society, doesnt mean I have to be. And you look all shocked when I tell you this. Like "What do you mean there are other ways to live your life?!". Listen you barrel of mentally constipated blowfish, I didnt choose to get born into this dirty infested shithole of a world, and now you expect me to dedicate my life to slaving away doing something I hate just for the right to survive?! Why the hell have we not rebelled against this bullshit? Oh wait I know, its because the majority of us havent had an original thought in about 50 years. Take your phony materialistic ambition and shove it.

2. Idiots who take everything on the news as gospel.

Hooo boy. Really?? Are there STILL people out there that think the mainstream media is telling them the truth about the world?? Apparently there are and they are fucking plentiful. Here, I have a giant black sack ready for them all to crawl into. It's marked on the side with 'Gullible Indoctrinated Fuckwits'. Please hurry up and climb in so I can biff you off a cliff and never have to hear your scurrilous "That can't be true, its not on the news" bleating ever again. Well you know what? I've never heard that the sky is blue on the news either. GUESS IT MUST BE FUCKING PINK. Here's something to ponder over. 90% of the stories on the news or in legacy media newspapers are sourced from either the Associated Press or Reuters. So basically all your precious news comes from TWO companies. With vested interest in doing nothing but pander to materialism, scare your balls off so you remain dependent and enforce the fact that your political system is just SO DAMN ADEQUATE AND PERFECT. Tell me they are unbiased purveyors of the truth. Fuck off. Last week, there was a printing malfunction and the NZ Herald didnt go on sale until midday Saturday. You should have seen the level of whining from people who didnt have their newspaper to read. Fucking Lemmings. "Oh no, I have no news to read. Whatever shall I do?" Gee I dont know, maybe think for yourself?! What am I thinking, that would involve intellectual integrity and a non sheep herd mentality!

3. The RETURN of swine flu hysteria.

Oh good lord no not this shit again. Obviously life is just not life without some mindless doom on the horizon to be scared witless about. OH NO SWINE FLU. WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE. No actually, you're not. You're more likely to die getting run over by a car after tripping over a turtle on the sidewalk. Maybe the next big media brou ha ha should be over "Turtle tipping fatalities reach epic proportions. Government reccomends compulsory anti turtle vaccine". Then we can all infect Scott by talkign to him about how worrying this whole fucking turtle business is. Because at least then I can laugh, because the word turtle is just mindlessly funny. Right now when I hear about swine flu I just want to eat my own face.

4. The demise of Reality TV.

Back in the year 2000 Reality TV was born with a show called 'Survivor'. It was innovative, it was gritty, it was real, it was an awesome insight into the human psyche. Ever since then Survivor has continued on its merry way racking up 20 awesome seasons which I am currently obsessed with. For example, watch Survivor: Vanuatu, where the tribes begin as all men vs all women. The men are openly honest with each other and make it plain that they are going to vote out the young strong bucks, everything out in the open. The women immediately get passive aggressive, catty and whine about each other behind their backs. As the season goes on, the male stupidity shines through as they fall pray to the women power alliance and get picked off one by one until only Chris, a lovable truck driver remains. At this point, the women go batshit insane on each other with double crossing and completely forget about Chris, who silently with honour and respect lets them eat each other alive, snakes his way to the final two and then wins the game because the women on the jury hate the final remaining woman so much!! What a fascinating dynamic, and really one of the most socially interesting things on television.

BUT WAIT. THIS SECTION SO FAR HAS BEEN NICE. WE CANT FUCKING HAVE THAT. You see, my real gripe is with the sea of lugubrious trash that this genre has spawned recently. The Amazing Race was decent. The Bachelor and the Bachelorette was cheesy and socially unacceptable stereotypic garbage. Then we get Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire and my head explodes. FUCK THIS SHIT. Let's all just reinforce some more fucking societal stereotypes about the only worthwhile people are rich and own a boatload of white horses or something. AND THEN WE GET THE HILLS AND JERSEY SHORE. Oh dear sweet lord almighty. Despite the fact that the collective IQs of the cast members of both these shows probably add up to something rivalling a gelatinous amoeba, that is not my main gripe. My main gripe is how this utter toff contributes NOTHING OF VALUE TO FUCKING ANYTHING. If I wanted to watch prima donnas who take themselves too seriously gossip and have wanton sex with everybody... oh wait I'll stop there, BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO WATCH THAT. This brain corrosive shit is likely going to be responsible for an entire generation of young girls wanting to be fucking Heidi when they grow up. Oh wait, did you say the new series "surprise, you're dating a transvestite" is coming soon? OH I LOOK FORWARD TO IT WITH BAITED FUCKING BREATH.

That's it for today. As usual, if you dont agree with me, I'm sure eventually your opinion will find it's way into the Encyclopedia of WRONG. ;)

Friday, September 17, 2010

A Follow Up

"It seems to me immensely unlikely that mind is a mere by-product of matter. For if my mental processes are determined wholly by the motions of atoms in my brain, I have no reason to suppose that my beliefs are true. They may be sound chemically, but that does not make them sound logically. And hence I have no reason for supposing my brain to be composed of atoms. In order to escape from this necessity of sawing away the branch on which I am sitting, so to speak, I am compelled to believe that mind is not wholly conditioned by matter." - J.B.S Haldane

The most startling, brilliant and concise refutation of believing in materialism I've ever come across. Inspires me to rant against it some more :P

Yet another reason to reject materialism

Was reading an article on music and how materialism has no good explanation for it. Well, that's not unusual as materialism has no good explanation for fucking ANYTHING, but this one struck a bit close to home.

"Note that the choices materialism offers here are

(1) music is useful for food, sex, or murder, or

(2) music is a useless distraction.

Take that, Chopin. We always knews youse was a wimp."

The third option is that music is part of the spiritual nature of the human - and therefore neither useful nor useless in the senses above, but is a road to becoming a fully developed human being. Fucking idiots. Music SOUNDS like emotions FEEL. Art LOOKS like emotions FEEL. Same goes for books and movies. We latch on to these things for many reasons, to quantify the ineffable, to revel in the majesty of concepts and feelings or to get out into the outside world things held on to inside. I am familiar with all these things... not so familiar with using it for food, sex or fucking murder. I'm pissed off now. :P

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Classic Crap: Things that used to be great and now COMPLETELY SUCK. (Rants Part Eight)

I don't know about you, but I'm having a very nostalgic couple of weeks. Sometimes I get myself into moods where I can do nothing but lament all the good things that have passed by in life. This could be because I'm just a depressed emo without the OTT makeup and poetry writing OR it could be because looking at the world around us and comparing it to the world of our childhood... the world has just gone spiralling off the cliff towards the sheer drop known as complete and utter SUCKTACULATION. See, I just made that word up. Webster's get the hell onto it for your next edition. So in this edition I invite you all to take a walk down memory lane... consider all the things that made your life meaningful, and how they now COMPLETELY SUCK.

1. Cartoons

Ah cartoons... do you remember back at school, when the only thing that got you through the day was the thought that you could get home and for 2 straight hours take in the joy of cartoons?? Do you remember pretending to be sick so you could stay home all day and watch Cartoon Network? I sure do. They were the good times. And why did we do that? Because cartoons 10-15 years ago were QUALITY!! Let's prove my point shall we? First we had CAPTAIN PLANET. Where a group of teenagers with bad haircuts used the power of nature to banish evil polluting no-goodniks with the help of slightly feminine looking captain planet!! This show taught us many important lessons about life. Like whoever has the power to burn things is definitely the coolest, and that the power of the heart is the most useless power imaginable. Seriously, what can you do? Feel emotion and talk to a monkey. Big fucking shit. I'd rather create tidal waves or wind storms anyday. Oh and there's probably something in there about not polluting or something, I never really paid attention to that part. And it had a kickass theme song. "Captain Planet! He's a hero! Gonna take pollution down to zero! He's our powers magnified, and he's fighting on the planet's side!" And what do we have now?? DORA THE FUCKWIT EXPLORER. The little Spanish bitch that is so nice to everybody that I'm pretty sure she's going to grow up to be a stripper or cheap prostitute. The only lesson she teaches is how to switch off the television within one split second.

Moving on... what other quality defined cartoons of my youth? STREET SHARKS! A cartoon about a gang of sharks on rollerblades who fought against a gang of evil dinosaurs... on rollerblades. It taught us the lesson that sharks were misunderstood, and dinosaurs were pure evil. It also told us that sharks do well on blades. Now what crap do we have?? SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS. This stupid porous son of a bitch is a moronic waste of everyone's time and teaches a generation of children that burgers can be cooked without problem UNDER THE SEA. No wonder the next generation is fucked. In one final example... when I was young we had SAMURAI PIZZA CATS. A ball bouncingly entertaining cartoon about a gang of cats who made pizza by day and defended the world in a giant cat robot against no good niks at night. It had the best theme song ever. See look: "Samurai Pizza Cats! They're so bad! They've got more fur than any turtle ever had!" Genius!! How can you argue with that?? Now we have shit like YU GI OH, where people play cards for the right to own the world. How fucking riveting. You have raped my childhood cartoons... you used to be so good.

2. The Bible

Yup, THAT Bible. I remember back in primary school, when we had that compulsory Bible class when they tried to brainwash us into becoming mindless fear dominated adults. Now, that part wasn't good... but I was only like 10 so it didn't exactly register with me that they were trying to ruin my life at the time. What did register with me was all the kickass stories!! I mean seriously, how cool is Noah's Ark, Jonah's whale, Moses' escape from Egypt, Jesus being born in the manger and David vs Goliath?? As a child, these things are fun... and then you grow up. And you read the Bible for yourself. And you realise people actually want you to take it as a non fiction text. And then everything goes to shit. The Bible is a true exercise in duality as it is both the best fiction text ever and the WORST non fiction text ever. As a child nobody ever fucking told me that if I did my fucking shoelaces up wrong that it'd be hell for me. They just told me cool stories with giants, whales and plagues of toads in them. As a child nobody ever fucking told me that Old testament God butchers, rapes and murders children for his own personal enjoyment. Sigh. My youth has been corrupted.

3. Public Pools

Ah the public pools... those sweet hydroslides, balance beam and slippery pole extravaganza. Where we'd swim around all happy all day while the adults sat up on the concrete bleachers reading Woman's Day or some shit. But as we grew up... somehow these public pools that held so much merriment started to COMPLETELY SUCK. I think it was the fact that we as grown up people realise that swimming in a public pool is like swimming in a large collection of other kids' urine. And there was always that shady guy in the changing rooms who just seemed to stay in there far too long... OH MY GOD. Stupid fucking world, why must you take everything from me??

4. The opposite sex.

Wow, controversial. But let me explain. When we were 13,14,15 years old the opposite sex was a truly magical being. For us boys, the girl represented some magical fairy princess with shimmering skin who glided gracefully above the ground. They were everything us grubby, puppy fat boys were not and we wanted it. For the girls, the boys represented that fairy tale of prince charming; big, strong, dark and mysterious. They were everything you weren't and you wanted it. Then what happened?? Well you realise the truth. Boys are nothing more than sex obsessed dullards who rant all day about cars and sports and completely miss every last emotional signal girls send them. And girls are baffling non logical creatures who will break your heart and shatter your dreams for reasons that only make sense on the planet EVERYTHINGISCOMPLETELYASSBACKWARDSSHITSMELLSGOODTHESKYISGREENWITHPINKPOLKADOTSLAND. Come on, as much as you don't want to admit it, somewhere along the line, you started being more afraid and wary of the opposite sex rather than enamored with them. And nobody can blame you. Men are truly hideous creatures, simple and primitive, like deers waiting to blankly wander in the middle of the road to get run over by truck of their own stupidity. And women are bafflingly complicated, like a game that you really want to play but can't because the reading of the fucking rules of the game LASTS FOREVER. Give me back the mystery we had as children. Please? I'll give you a dollar??

(Blog Retraction: I would like to partially retract this last rant. I still think girls are magical creatures, and their non logical weirdness if anything makes them even more appealing to me. Guys still dumb. Thank you for your attention ;))

Well, I think that covers quite a bit. Please people, use the comments below to remember and pine for things that you have lost from the beauty of your childhood. And by the way, there's a button somewhere on this page that lets you SUBSCRIBE TO MY NOTES. You WILL click on it so that you are immediately notified whenever I have churned out more crap. If you do not click on it, you will be deleted from my friends list. :P Oh you think that's an empty threat?? Dont click on it then and see what happens. You have 72 hours.... MWAHAHAHAHA!!!

(Blog Comment: This last past refers to facebook. However this is still applicable to the blog. You will follow it now. Or I will find you. And dismember you. Or something.)

Monday, September 13, 2010

Paranormal Dreams about Physics (I'm Weird)

Yes, I realise this isnt going to do much for my already low social regard. But fuck em. Last night I had a dream that I was in contact with famous deceased Nobel Prize Winning physicist Richard Feynman. He was attempting to explain to me how different areas of space in the universe actually have different properties and maybe even different physical laws in operation. (I have come across this theory in my waking life before, but only superficially and didn't pay much attention, possibly my subconscious took it on board, but doubtful. I also had only read about Feynman once or twice in books)

I badgered him with a bunch of impertinent questions which he reacted to in a slightly mocking yet humorous fashion. Reading on Wikipedia this seems to be a central facet of his personality while he was alive. He ended the conversation by saying that he believed God created the universe. Then I went on to have a different dream about fighting monsters with dragons and being in love. The weird thing is that I'm sure I'd never seen a picture of this guy before and when I woke up and plugged him into google images, he looked exactly the same as in my dream.

That's right people, I have the spirit of a Nobel Prize winner at my beck and call. Post questions and I'll relay them on next dream I have. Hahahaha.

Which music has the best vocalists?

Nope, it sure aint pop. I cant stand that auto tuned garbage for more than 2 minutes. Here is why shockingly, obscure prog has the most talented singers in the world ;)


Seventh Wonder - Alley Cat (Tommy Karevik for AMERICAN IDOL 2011 DAMMIT!!)


Katatonia - The Longest Year


Pain of Salvation - Iter Impius (Daniel Gildenlow is some sort of God.)

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Fijian Days

ALRIGHTY THEN!! Welcome to another boring travelogue, the like of which you either love to read or absolutely despise. I promise I will try to make this as interesting as humanly possible. And also factual, because I know if I make up stuff, I'll get taken to task for it by my travel companion Ms Stewart. ;) So here it is, warts and all! Enjoy.

We flew out of Auckland at 5:45 pm on Monday 30th August. I don't know why exactly, but whenever I fly they lump me with the seat RIGHT DOWN THE BACK of the plane. I suspect it might be because my passport photo looks like I'm half Che Guevara and half Charles Manson and so they decide the other passengers don't need to walk past my ugly mug to empty their bowels. The real crap part is that they give you two choices of meals on the plane and you just know that by the time they get all the way to the ass end of the plane you're going to get lumped with some bullshit like Duck fetus in Green Seaweed Sauce. "Yeah sorry, we're out of steak and chips. Have some fucking cow anus with reprocessed cucumber substitute". However today was my lucky day, they actually had the chicken left when they got back to me. It was the poor yokels in front of me who got stuck with the Lamb and Mint Pie. (Seriously WHAT?! I swear these fucking airlines just put one horrible alternative every time just to take the piss). We spent the flight laughing our ass off to episodes of Big Bang Theory. It was sweet.

One of the best parts of going to Fiji is the moment you get off the plane and that wave of tropical heat bliss hits you square in the face. It's even better when you arrive during the day, but it was still good. Of course, I have the foresight of an amoeba and am stuck wearing the sweatshirt and jeans I got on the plane with. We then sample a Fijian beer at the hotel (I should have bought one, shit they were good. It tasted like 50% beer and 50% wine. I hate the taste of nearly everything alcoholic and I even thought it was good). I also got a taste of things to come when Ashleigh decided that chasing after geckoes and frogs to take pictures was a swell idea. We had a deal whereby she took care of and dispensed with any lizards (which freak me out) and I would dispense with any spiders (which freak her out). Yeah, one fucking guess as to which class of creature decided to molest me endlessly with their presence the whole trip and which we saw FUCKING NOTHING OF.

Next day was a rest day before the boat out to heaven on Earth otherwise known as Plantation Island and we basically spent it pretending we were superglued to loungers and chairs by the pool. In a spirited game of 'Would you Rather' it was revealed that yes, I would rather lose my sight than my hearing, and also that Time Travel was my superpower of choice. :P Apparently the spaghetti bolognese at dinner was pretty good too.

The next day we got taken to the Port (basically a beautiful place for exceedingly rich people. I was regaled with Ashleigh's planning out loud to seduce and marry one of the rich launch owners so she could 'dig some gold' many a time. I offered to be their bell boy when and if she succeeded, as long as the rest of the team consisted of beautiful women. That way, one of them pretty much HAD to go for me. :P) and went across the sea in a 50 minute boat ride to the island. Basically I don't need to say anything... just go on to Google Images and run a search for what it's like out there. You will probably sell your relatives to get there. I've been twice now. I'll try not to gloat. :P Once you are arrive you are regaled with song from the natives and given free shell necklaces and welcome drinks. The only downer was the weather which decided to be cloudy and windy. Complaining about this is somewhat akin though to someone giving you a chocolate cake for free and then bitching about there not being a cherry.

I believe the first night was the night of the first (and unfortunately not the last) gecko invasion. Two of the fuckers found their way inside the room (more than a room, more like its own little abode) somehow. Ashleigh cleverly managed to chase one of them out but the other proved elusive, so instead of helping me she decided to mercilessly taunt me by shunting it over towards my bed repeatedly. Wench. :P

The activities they run on the island are in general, fucking awesome. Daily snorkelling to the reefs (greatest thing ever), dolphin safaris, semi submersible boat (which is about sixty million times better than you expect, because they take you out and sprinkle food in the water, and the windows are literally covered over with tropical fish of all sorts, thousands of them! Pictures of this phenomenon will soon be forthcoming on my facebook. Plus, Ashleigh has the awesome foresight to bring underwater cameras, so hopefully those photos come out awesome as well. There's also kayaks, jetskis, parasailing, volleyball, frog races, crab races, island hopping excursions, fishing (which both of us were somewhat morally opposed to after seeing the absolute stunning beauty of the fish that were around). They also had an island Mr. Universe competition which I probably would have won hands down if I had entered. But I thought other people's egos needed it more, so I refrained. :P

Okay so that's complete crap. :P

The next day finally the weather turned it on for us. 30 degrees, blue skies, palm trees, clear waters, snorkels and amazing marine life. Couldn't really complain about any of it really ;) Well except one thing. THE FREAKING GECKOES WHO DECIDED IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO HAVE SEX IN THE NIGHT INCHES FROM MY BED WHEN THE LIGHTS WERE OUT . Fucking mortifying. One of my favourite things about the island is that at dinner (eating on the sand is AWESOME) at about 7pm a native dressed warrior runs past accompanied by drums with about 20 little kids running behind him with a flaming torch and lights all the torches lined up along the sand. Pretty epic.

Basically here is how a trip to Fiji usually works I have found. You go in with all these plans to be as active as possible, run around, play volleyball, stay up all night, drink yourself into a frenzy etc and then you get there and the sheer tropical blissful laziness takes over! Then you decide lying on the beach reading books, tanning and snorkelling ALL DAY BABY before pottering off to bed early is the best course of action. Seriously snorkelling out on the reef whilst scores and scores of fish swim all around you is an experience that rockets straight to the top five of your life and freaking stays there.

Since so far all we've heard about is embarrassing things about me, I have to mention for parity's sake that Ashleigh did in fact choke because she was too lazy to swallow the spit build up in her mouth. Sorry ;) In her defense, that is what Fiji does to you. ;) In other news from the socially unacceptable file, we also discovered a common affinity for the cheeseball 80s pop of Phil Collins. I for one, am totally not ashamed of this. 'Something Happened on the Way to Heaven', 'Another Day in Paradise', 'I Wish it would Rain' and 'Dont Lose My Number' are freaking CLASSICS.

In one last story, I cultivated a friendship with two clownfish under the sea (which one was Nemo is debatable). I saw them swimming beneath me then I swam over someplace else and saw two more of them. Then I swam somewhere else and saw two more. Then it clicked that they were same ones and had grown attached to me. Unfortunately this was an unexpected development and so I did not have enough time to convert them to my aquatic followers for my world domination army. (It's like my friend Dave has always maintained. YOU CANT TRUST THE FISH. THEY'RE PLOTTING).

So basically all in all, it was incredible, the snorkelling has to be seen to be believed, the geckoes didn't kill me and I didn't win Mr Island Universe. Maybe next time. Photos will soon be forthcoming. And if my description has tempted someone into booking a trip... please let me know. I want to go back ;)

Thursday, September 9, 2010

A Sweet Aftertaste

Alright bear with me on this one, and I shall tell you a tale of the greatest combination of foods ever assembled in my mouth.

Today I have stumbled upon the aftertaste holy grail.

I ate a packet of chips, Chargrilled chicken and herb flavour. They were good. Then I ate a packet of beef flavoured two minute noodles. They were good. And then it struck, like some sort of blessing from God. The mixture of herb, chicken and beef flavouring that lasted in my mouth for the next four hours was something so ineffably strange but so damn alluring. Never would I have imagined such a thing. Seriously, it was like some sort of taste puzzle had been put together and formed an image of the most beautiful tropical landscape ever before seen by human eyes.

Try it. You will not be disappointed.
A piece that I'm using for my book, and thought I'd share. I think it's okay myself. Also stay tuned for some cool Fiji stories and more rants ;)

When my heart stops
Will my wings unfold?
Will you know that I had
No one but you?
When my eyes close
Will your blood grow colder?
Did you know that I had
No one but you?

Within the snow veil
Where we made our promise
In the cool, white air
And I stood to abide

But now when the road turns
Will my ghost find freedom?
Will you know that I had no one?
So I...

Sold my love
Forgot the vow
I tried to feel
But nothing came to mind
I bore the weight
And sung
Of the white cloud over my grave

And now I know
That it killed me when I could not have you
And I have sold my heart

Friday, August 27, 2010

Things That Will NEVER Come Out of My Mouth

This one sort of self explanatory. And it will also be the last post before I fly away to TROPICAL PARADISE for 7 days. HO-LEE SHIT. :)

1. "Capitalism is a fair and equitable system that is sure to result in happiness and contentment for everyone!!"


3. "Man I hope they renew Jersey Shore for another season"

4. "California Girls may be the greatest song ever written."

5. "And if it ain't, it's second only to My Humps"

6. "Come on, you know you want me."

7. "You know... the way we conduct relationships makes a lot of sense!"

8. "Materialism RULES."

9. "You know... I should really work harder, I wouldn't want people to think I'm not a hard nosed go getter!"

10. "I care about how your day at work was"

11. "Fuck this plot is WELL THOUGHT OUT. What was the name of this book again... Twilight?"

12. "My favourite country has gotta be ISRAEL BABY!"

13. "You know... people need to SPEAK UP MORE about their complaints about day to day life. I'm sure there are a lot of struggles out there that are worthy of being heard by the whole world!"

14. "I've done enough ranting. I think I'll pop a tranquilliser and go to bed."

15. "If we had human history all over again, there's just no way we could have built a better society than THIS ONE BABY! WHOOOO!! LET'S ALL GET DRUNK TIL WE PASS OUT!!"

16. "I can't believe how superior men are to women!!"

And finally...

17. "I'm a mother fuckin P.I.M.P!"


Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Survival of Consciousness

This is a VERY different topic from the usual humour presented here, but I thought I'd drop it in for everyone interested (which really should be EVERYONE). The past 3 years I've been doing A LOT of reading on this topic and found that not only is there evidence for the fact that we are immortal and our consciousness will survive death, there's a fucking BOATLOAD of it. Just one more reason to despise the mainstream news and mainstream society for systematically covering it the fuck up to protect their precious materialism which causes pretty much every problem known to man.

By now I'm pretty much an encyclopedia of knowledge on survival, psychic phenomena and the paranormal (and the arguments against these things, which tend to you know, be shallow as a paddling pool and easily rebutted). The main reason these things aren't widely accepted is because nobody really knows the evidence, and whenever tidbits are provided on the news there's always your token materialist skeptic who gets wheeled on to make some bad arguments that have zero evidence behind them. The record shows that pretty much every scientist/priest/lawyer whoever who decided to systematically investigate the topic came away convinced of the phenomena. So here is some recommended reading for those interested.

1. Entangled Minds by Dean Radin PhD.
2. The Sense of Being Stared At by Rupert Sheldrake PhD.
3. Parapsychology and the Skeptics by Chris Carter
4. Evidence of the Afterlife by Jeffrey Long M.D
5. The Articulate Dead by Michael Tymn
6. Life Before Life by Jim Tucker M.D
7. Your Eternal Self by Craig Hogan PhD.
8. The Promise of Psychical Research by Lawrence LeShan PhD.
9. The Medium, The Mystic and the Physicist by Lawrence LeShan PhD.
10. Irreducible Mind by a bunch of people (if you have the patience for a 700 page book demonstrating in excruciating detail how the brain does not produce consciousness haha)
11. The Synchronised Universe: A New Science of the Paranormal by Claude Swanson PhD.

That should do for a start ;)

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

A very LATE answer to more ETERNAL QUESTIONS

How late are we talking?? Two months that's how late. But the most important thing is these questions get ANSWERS from the Guru. Because lord knows the world cant rest until a bunch of questions that are probably meant to be rhetorical are given ridiculous answers on a blog hardly anyone knows about. ;)

1. Does true love exist? What about love at first sight?

Yes and yes. The phenomena known as 'love at first sight' is linked to a specific set of planning that we as souls did before we incarnated in this lifetime. So that we don't miss out on our soulmates we place 'reminders' in the other person's appearance, scent or the circumstances in which we are to meet them to let us know they are in fact something special. I have had this happen to me before, when from the instant I saw someone, I knew they were going to be a lifelong connection. This connection does not always have to fall within the confines of a limited 'relationship' or 'marriage'. So far it has proved accurate, and they have confided they felt the same thing when they first saw me. Now really, why did this question have to be first? As far as I know there is little that is funny about me going off on tangents such as this. Maybe I can bring it back by saying that if you're having these sort of feelings I'm describing and you're looking at a pig on the farm, you may need psychiatric help.

2. If you build it, will they come?

Well, it largely depends what you mean by the qualifiers 'it' and 'they'. For example, replace the word 'it' with the word 'A mosque' and replace the word 'they' with the word 'Jews' and the answer is probably fucking not. However, if you replace the word 'it' with 'shopping mall with flashing lights and colours' and 'they' with braindead socially programmed deadheads, the answer is almost certainly yes.

3. Is youth wasted on the young?

Oh dear, this set of Eternal Questions seem to stuck on repeat. Since I've answered this before, I'm going to instead go off and waste my youth by smoking some serious reefer.

4. Do blondes have more fun?

Dude... I could totally go for a cheeseburger right now. Or five.

5. Is love blind?

Love is both totally blind and all seeing. This is not a paradox. Love is blind because physical form ultimately makes no difference and may as well not exist. Love is all seeing because it sees both physical form and that which lies beyond. In other words, try loving Adolf Hitler even if he possessed the body of Brad Pitt in his prime. It ain't fucking happening. Then try loving your soulmate if he has temporarily assumed the body of Adolf Hitler. Perfectly possible.

6. Should English be America’s official language?

No. The official language of America should be a complex series of clicks and whistles. It should then be forcibly imposed on every citizen. Basically because this is a state of affairs that I would find humorous.

7. Is it too late to apologize?

No. It is never too late to apologize, and to forgive oneself. Forgiveness stops the wheel of karma. This answer however may have it's limits. For example, if you were the son of a bitch responsible for the extinction of the dinosaurs, IT'S FUCKING TOO LATE YOU SMARMY BASTARD. THE DAMAGE IS FUCKING DONE.

There, now you have more Eternal Answers and your life continues to be illuminated by my splendor.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Lost In Translation

So I was looking over my photos from my Europe tour a few years ago, and came across something that reminded me of an incident of great hilarity.

Myself (a New Zealander), two Australians Ed, Thomas and one American (Juelles) were sitting in Prague outside coffee shop with one of those gas powered heating towers providing warmth in the negative degree temperatures. I remark that those towers are "like things you put on your deck". Juelles almost spits out her drink exclaiming "WHAT?!?!?!". The Aussies do nothing, realising the nature of the Kiwi accent. However, my statement had got lost to our darling friend Juelles who heard the word 'deck' as something else entirely. ;)

I was perplexed for a second... and then the realisation dawned. Uh oh, she thinks you're a weird ass pervert ;) Hilarity ensued.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

The Next Rant

If you will but take a look to your right you will see that this month has been unusually productive here on the GBA. (Public Service Announcement: The Greatest Blog Alive has recently been scientifically evaluated by a collection of highly trained PhDs. They unanimously came to a conclusion that it IS in fact the Greatest Blog Alive. They also liked the 20s I slipped them before they finalised their reports)

Soon the ball will be kept rolling with Part 877 of my never ending and by now extremely fucking tedious ranting. But you are the suckers who keep reading so apparently you know best. On the NEXT EPISODE... Batman and Robin have been strapped to THE CONVEYOR OF DEATH BY THE RIDDLER!! DOOM IS NIGH!!! HOWEVER WILL THEY ESCAPE!! DAMN THAT RIDDLER!!! HE'S SO FIENDISH!!!

Uh... I mean, on the next Rant topics dealt with will be; Ambition and how it is a pointless waste of time. Also, Idiots who believe the shit they hear on the news, the RETURN of more fucking swine flu bullshit hysteria and how Reality TV has gone to shit. See you soon ;)

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Scott's Proxy Rant #3: Leggo's is going down

Welcome one. Welcome all. If all happens to be more than one. Which in the case of this blog is highly doubtful. Today we have another client... one who had a bad experience with some spaghetti sauce.


Alright so I was just MINDING MY BUSINESS and cooking up some serious fucking spag bol right? I mean seriously, up until that moment my day was just going fucking swimmingly. Then I grab the container of bitter destiny. Marked with the logo of Leggos. I pour that sum bitch evenly over my beautifully rendered and exquisitely drained SPAG BOL and sit down to eat. Hey wait... what are those white bits?? OH HELL FUCKING NO.

WHY?! WHY DID I NOT NOTICE UNTIL HALFWAY THROUGH THAT I WAS INGESTING MAGGOTS?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Look, I know what you fuckwits are thinking. "Why weren't you more observant?" Well gee, I don't know you complete dick faces, DO YOU FUCKING PERFORM DETAILED MAGGOT INSPECTION ON EVERYTHING YOU EAT BEFOREHAND?! When you sit down with your fucking poorly cooked fish fillets or whatever fucking shit you decided to actually get off your ass and fail to make properly, do you really go over it with a fine tooth comb just in case?? NO YOU DON'T. Because you expect these manufacturing SHIT GORILLAS to actually do their fucking jobs to a decent standard. Oh yeah, my 3 year old ate some too but that's not important, I mean kids eat worms in the backyard all the time. :P

Alright Leggo's you have made a powerful enemy today. You have NO IDEA of the power I can bring to bear to bring down your corporate dick licking asses. In fact my plans have already begun... I SIGNED UP YOUR CUSTOMER SERVICE EMAIL ADDRESS TO PORNOGRAPHY SPAM!!! THAT'LL SHOW YOU!! You know, why cant you dickheads be more like your namesake, LEGO? Building blocks of fun, not building blocks of FUCKING INSECT LARVAE. And you have the GALL to offer me a fucking $15 dollar voucher as compensation. ON FEAR FACTOR THEY'D GIVE ME FUCKING $50,000 FOR THIS!! And you expect me to eat MORE LEGGO'S?! That's like me telling someone I got burned by jumping into a volcano and them giving me a voucher for more ALL EXPENSES PAID VOLCANO JUMPS. I hate this stinking world and every fucking maggot in it.

Alright I had fun with this one, hopefully it satisfies ;)

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Suggestions for the Nuske Amazing Race application

This entry may be meaningless to others, you have been forewarned. This entry is solely for the purpose of helping Troy and Michelle come up with a winning entry to get cast on The Amazing Race Australia using my brilliant mind.

1. Here's my first video suggestion. Play on the fact that you are both teachers. Show two scenes, with you in class getting harassed by your students, growing more and more insane. Then, you cant take it any more and film yourselves bolting out of class and running like hell away across the schoolyard. Then you both run into each other, introduce yourselves to the camera and beg into the camera for the producers of the Amazing Race to give you sweet escape from these kids. "Anywhere in the world will do!"

2. Play on the fact that you really cant stand each other ;) Make a video of you arguing like hell over anything, be it Sydney Roosters, Rabbitohs, Geelong, the fact that Troy smells. Show them the drama of your day to day lives, to convince them that you will be entertaining on the show, "How could we possibly co-exist? You'll have to pick us to find out!"

3. Incorporate the fact that you met each other on an overseas adventure, and thus are desperate to relive past glories by racing all around the world.

4. Every reality show needs EVIL VILLAINS. Make a video of you both being EVIL. Troy sneaks up behind a kid, steals his lollies and runs like hell away. Someone on the street asks Michelle for directions and she sends them halfway across town in the wrong way just for laughs. TROY AND MICHELLE CHECK IN TO A HOTEL AND TAKE THINGS FROM THE MINI BAR WITHOUT FILLING IN THE FORM AT CHECK OUT TIME. EVIL. Then you introduce yourselves, call yourself "The pure marriage of evil" and say you will do whatever it takes to smash those other couples if you're selected.

5. Make a complete cheese ball production of you both running in front of a screen that continually changes to reflect different Australian environments. How you will accomplish this is not my problem :P

6. An Amazing Team for an Amazing Race. Dress up as superheroes and emphasise how damn better you are than the average Aussie couple. You are AMAZING after all. :P

7. Troy, the resident Maths professor and his beautiful assistant Michelle stand in labcoats (not for any reason, but because labcoats make you look like professors) next to a blackboard with millions of equations scrawled on it. Say that your IMMENSE Maths knowledge has led to you formulate equations that will get you all across Australia faster and in means that your less educated opponents had ever dreamed of. Make up some bullshit about these equations that sounds awesome. "The coefficient of distance, denoted x minus the proportion of dumbness in our adversaries denoted y leads inexorably to a Nuske victory with extreme velocity!" Fuck I'm awesome.

8. Show Troy in a bar, dishevelled and drunk. Michelle then makes a public service announcement to the producers to give this poor man a reason to live by sending their ass around the world so fast that he wont have fucking time to be a drunken lout anymore. Hey, sometimes the truth works!

9. Arty advertisements are all the rage these days. Make a video that has NOTHING to do with either of you. Like show some snow capped landscapes, followed by a closeup of a toilet all the while a narrator talks about "the struggles inherant in modern capitalism". Then out of nowhere, cut to a screen that says "Pick Troy and Michelle Nuske for the Amazing Race". It's DARING. It's MEANINGFUL.

10. Show the producers how you will compete effectively using Troy's small stature. Show Michelle stowing Troy into the overhead compartment, and rolling him up behind the bed for easy storage. Say that with such an advantage, Michelle will only need to secure one ticket for every journey and will streak ahead of their more encumbered opposition.

You can thank me later ;)

Monday, August 9, 2010

Translating from Bullshit into English (Part One)

Do you speak English?? I do. I'm pretty good at it too, or so my university qualifications would have you believe. However I have noticed that 'English' is a language on the decline. No, I am not referring to an influx of other ethnic languages like Spanish, Chinese, French or whatever. I am referring to an influx on what can only be referred to as complete bullshit masquerading as English. Since I know this affects every one of us, I will now perform the public service of taking a handful of pure bullshit and translating it into what it really means in plain English. As usual, you can thank me later.

1. The Bullshit: "How are you??"

The English: Look, I don't give a flying fuck how you are. I want to rant about MY issues and complain about trivial crap. This is just me paying attention to societal convention and pretending to give two shits. Just, you know, hurry up, say 'good' and let's move on to more pressing matters. Like ME.

2. The Bullshit: "I've had such a crap day"

The English: Perspective?? What's that?? No I don't give a fuck that people are dying in Africa, Fucking Sandra made fun of my hair at work!! Can you believe that! What a bitch! And then I spent the rest of the day feeling inadequate. AND THEN I got stuck in TRAFFIC on the way home. Basically, I can't see the fact that all this drama I like to manifest in my life is as important and noteworthy in the grand scheme of things as a fucking popcorn fart. So I'm going to keep pretending the world revolves around me, no other problems exist and infect you with my total redundant first world bullshit. And you're going to fucking sit there, and like it.

3. The Bullshit: "I believe in freedom and equal rights!".

The English: I believe in freedom and equal rights... until someone disagrees or offends me. Then I will scream to the high fucking heavens that their point of view should be censored and they should be punished for offending me in such an egregious manner. I will also completely fail to see my own hypocrisy, and the irony in my pronouncements. Basically, I'm a purposeless snivelling worm who thinks my standards equal the standards of the universe.

4. The Bullshit: "I can't make it tonight... I'm feeling like shit."

The English: I only scheduled something with you because I was fucking desperate and had nothing better to do. Now, something better has manifested itself and so I'm going with that, all the while passing you off this bullshit and hoping we don't meet accidentally and awkwardly somewhere tonight. Man that would be ass!

5. The Bullshit: "I only drink in moderation"

The English: PASS THE VODKA!!!

6. The Bullshit: "I can cook pretty well when I have to"

The English: I can put toast in the machine and sometimes even scrape butter across it without making a mess.

7. The Bullshit: "I'm a hard worker and I learn fast!"

The English: After two weeks I'll be taking my four weeks leave thanks, then I'll burn through my sick days. And yeah, I'll be fucking up the same things I fuck up everyday when I finally decide to come to work. And plus, I'm as slow as a snail crawling through glue.

8. The Bullshit: "I like ALL KINDS of music"

The English: I like pop and R'n B. Wait... there are OTHER kinds of music?? I don't buy it. Otherwise they would play it on the radio!! I'm a true music connoisseur you know.

9. The Bullshit: "I wish more guys would admire me for my mind"

The English: I wear skirts short enough that they should be called belts. If my top was cut any lower it would also resemble a belt. I laugh at every stupid joke cute boys make, bat my eyelids and throw my hair back all the while making a comment about I couldn't understand the convoluted plot of the latest Disney/Pixar movie. If any guy really did admire me for my mind then he must have the mental capacities of a sea slug.

10. The Bullshit: "She/He is stealing my boyfriend/girlfriend!!"

The English: I'm a complete and utter fucktard who actually dares to think that the other person in my life is akin to a possession or belonging. I am an utterly brainwashed societal drone. I will also miss the fucking point that maybe my 'possession' has a free will of their own. The irony that 'stealing' happens to inanimate objects and not people will be totally lost on me. I am a turd on the underpants of life.

Stay tuned for part two of our elucidating wading through the ocean of BS ;)

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Scott's Proxy Rant #2: Business is Boomin'!

That's right so far I've kept to my goal. Four entries in four days!!

Today, my client is a Mr. Blanky McBlank Blank Blankerson, (name changed to protect identity) who lives in Sydney, Australia with his beautiful wife and his surly disposition. ;)

1. New people at work who think they're too good to fit in.

Look you egregious wankers you're going to listen to me and listen good. When I started teaching at this fucking hell hole of a school that I had to pretend to be Catholic to even get into, I realised it was going to be a struggle for my heathen ass to fit in. SO I TOOK MY LICKS. Do you think I WANTED to interact with half of these total losers?? For God's sake some of them actually LIKE TEACHING!! And even worse... SOME OF THEM TEACH ENGLISH. (Aside note from Scott: Yes, it pains me to write that... but the pay is good :))

So every fucking day I waltzed into Satan's testicle (otherwise known as 'The Staffroom') and sat down to eat my lunch amongst my colleagues attempting to engage them in conversation. Now of course, there were several things I would rather have been doing. Some of them include watching fucking paint dry, walking barefoot across broken fucking glass and selling my body on the street to 200kg women who would no doubt crush me into the fucking netherworld with their overwhelming obesity. BUT I DID IT NONETHELESS. I ASKED ABOUT THEIR FUCKING CHILDREN. I PRETENDED TO FUCKING CARE WHAT UTTER JOCKSTRAP RIPPING BULLSHIT THEY DID IN THE WEEKENDS. I PRETENDED NOT TO WANT TO THROW THEIR ASS INTO A FUCKING ACTIVE VOLCANO AFTER FOUR SHIT BAG WORDS THAT CAME OUT OF THEIR INSIGNIFICANT OLD MOUTHS.

And then... And fucking then you new teachers come in here, and think you can get away with NOT DOING THAT?! You dont talk to ANYONE. You eat lunch AT YOUR DESK UPSTAIRS. I'm sorry but no deal fuckface. You get your ass into Satan's testicle and fucking listen to what Mr. Smith's four year old did in the weekend until you want to gouge your own eyes out with pencils. Do you people think you're better than me?! FUCK. I HATE YOU ALL. You fuckwits better try and fucking socialise or I'll have you condemned to coaching the fucking chess team. Go eat shit newbies.

The number is 1-800-SCOTTRANTS. Cheap and easy at only 78.95 per minute!!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Classic Crap: Scott Rants (Part 34.87) The Bullshit I was told as a child edition.

(This is being posted for two reasons. 1. So I can say I did 3 rants in 3 days. 2. Looking through my old ones, this is the only one that actually makes ME laugh reading it back. So I like it the best :))

Aha!! Look!! Another note!! Like OMG TOTALLY AWESOME!! Or, if you're an actual human being who doesnt watch mind melting shit like Glee or High School Musical, welcome to the new note, please sit down and enjoy yourself. Today, we will be taking a journey back to childhood. I will reflect upon the most crucial statements that were made to me which I firmly believed stopped me from developing into a super powerful immortal sex god eternal epic being. It's bullshit like this that stops humanity from reaching its true potential. It's bullshit like this that I promise never EVER to tell my kids, so that they can grow up into aforesaid super beings. Stupid lousy parenting.

1. "You cant have ice cream for breakfast!"

Fuck you. I demand to hear your reasoning why I cannot have ice cream for breakfast. I demand you produce the scientific studies confirming the fact that serious harm will befall me for eating ice cream in the morning as opposed to any other time. I get the feeling you cannot produce it. I GET THE FEELING THAT THEY DO NOT EXIST. I GET THE FEELING THAT YOU'RE TRYING TO REPRESS MY FUCKING CHILDHOOD. What the fuck are you trying to tell me here?! That by committing this cardinal sin, it is in danger of tearing a hole in the breakfast-time continuum which will devour us all whole? Do you realise how damn arbitrary this rule is?? I will demonstrate. If I eat icecream at 7:30am in New Zealand, the time in the Northern Hemisphere is 7:30 AT NIGHT. WHICH IS FUCKING ICE CREAM TIME. Which means if I was there, right at that time... YOU'D LET ME EAT BLOODY ICE CREAM. Damn you and your ice cream International Date Line double standards. You cant have it both ways. Time is irrelevant. Either you let me eat ice cream any time I want... or you never let anyone eat ice cream ever on account of it being breakfast time somewhere in the world. And if you choose the second option... I kill you. Congratulations with this rule you have ruined my life. I mean sure, I eat ice cream for breakfast now, but all I can think of is all the times I couldnt do it that I'll never get back. I'm sure it's shit like this that makes people join gangs.

2. "You can be anything you want to be!"

Wait, I hear you say. Isn't this good parenting? Isn't this positive encouragement? Well no. No it isnt. Because all it takes is one damn look at the person this statement is coming from to completely invalidate it and make you realise they're lying to you. In my case, I was being told "You can be anything you want" by someone working for an insurance company, struggling to pay the rent and bring up two children. Now there are two possibilities here. One, you have some fucking weird desires for your life. I sure don't spend some time wishing for the possibility of one day being stressed to the max raising two little shit bags in between boring mundane 9-5 jobs. Or two, what you're telling me is complete bullshit and every desire I ever have for my life is going to evaporate as I spend my time slaving away in a box factory. Dammit Mum next time, keep it to yourself.

3. "You're not getting down from the table until you eat your vegetables"

Oh just the thought of this one makes me burn with violent fury inside. Every damn night you lay in front of me a dinner that is 2/3rds great and 1/3rds utter shit on a stick. Then after doing my level headed best to eat that ungodly stack of hideous vegetables that you piled on there higher than Mt Fucking Healthy Bullshit Everest, you make me sit there and eat every last bit no matter the circumstances. You know what this taught me? That the world will hold me down, repress my individuality, crush my dreams and force feed me crap I don't want. I remember sitting at that table for hours on end being imprisoned by the gestapo nazi parenting regime. I remember my hope for the future dying inside. I remember thinking that I could be doign all manner of things, like I dont know... FINDING A CURE FOR CANCER. That's right, the reason why we dont have a cure for cancer is because I was force fed vegetables as a child. I would have been in my 5 year old toy laboratory cooking up some genetic brilliance BUT NO. This one's on you, parents.

4. "Stop drawing on the walls"

WAIT WHAT?! THE WALLS ARE WHITE!! WHITE LIKE PAPER!! YOU LET ME DRAW ON PAPER!! YOU EVEN ENCOURAGE IT!! THE WALLS ARE WHITE!!! AAAAHHHHH!!!! Okay Scott... calm down, it's all over now, you can draw on all the walls you want. AND IT'S EVEN CALLED WALL FUCKING PAPER!!! BUT I CANT DRAW ON IT!!! AAAAHHHHHH!!! This one, this one is the one that really destroyed my life. This one taught me how little sense and logic are in the rules and restrictions of this world. And yes, I heard their bullshit reasons. "You're devaluing the house". Oh yeah? Well you're devaluing my life!! I could have been Picasso version 2.0. Trust me, I've seen some of my drawings, my stick figures OOZED WITH RICH EMOTION AND LIFE. Instead now I'm a repressed adult with an English degree. IT'S WHITE AND ITS CALLED PAPER AND I CANT DRAW ON IT?!?! DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!!!!


And finally...

5. "You can have your treat after you've finished dinner"

Wow, I'm sensing a pattern here. Parenting power trip rules that dont make a lick of objective sense. Okay so I cant have my Milky Bar two hours before dinner, but two hours after is fine. Why exactly? "Because you wont eat your dinner". Well why the fuck would I need to eat my dinner IF IVE ALREADY EATEN. You non sensical authoritarian fascists would then not have to make dinner, saving yourself a lot of work! Oh wait... now I see... for the first time it's becoming clear... you want to make dinner so that you can pile up my vegetables and then make me sit there and eat them until midnight!! Then I'll be so tired that I'll go straight to bed WITHOUT DRAWING ON THE WALLS!! And then I'll sleep all morning so that.. gasp... I WONT BE ABLE TO EAT ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST!! And then, I'll get sleep sickness and stop caring about going out and being anything that I want to be in life!! Finally their whole entire sordid conspiracy is laid plain before my very eyes! It's all some sick twisted plot cunningly fashioned to ensure that I'll never grow up with dreams, goals or unearthly sexual ability. Well congratulations!! YOU'VE WON THIS ROUND!!

Well that's that. And now I'm off to eat ice cream, be a space astronaut with time travel powers, burn some vegetables, draw on the walls and eat chocolate before dinner. Peace out!!